Daughter pregnant, son-in-law having an affair.

[2112magnolia]

Hi,
Am new to this forum, but am having a terrible day - my daughter is 36 weeks pregnant with her second child, my grandson is four-and-a-half and has just started school at Christmas. Yesterday a woman turned up outside my daughter's home claiming to be the mother-in-law of a woman my son-in-law has apparently been having an affair with since last July. My daughter has said this turns out to be true, it started via the internet just after her positive pregnancy test...he hasn't denied it, and although sheepish, has been talking of leaving them all after the baby is born. My daughter seems ok, but can't be...she has a good family support network, and we will never let her struggle financially or in any other way we can help her. I thought I was ok, but have suddenly become very tearful and overwhelmed by this - I guess it's shock, we didn't see it coming and thought our son-in-law was great...Can anyone offer any thoughts which might help, we can't be the only ones this has happened to...thanks for listening.

I'm so sorry to hear your terrible news. How shocking for you. I am sure you are devastated.
The sad thing is, as you correctly assume, your family's situation is by no means unique.
I am probably of a similar age to your daughter and several of my friends have experienced marriage break-up in similar situations. One school friend's situation sounds almost identical.
It turns out that most domestic violence and affairs begin during pregnancy. Apparently some men cannot cope with the jealousy they feel about their wife's affection being focused on their child.
There is not much I can say, except that you have all the right ideas. Give your daughter as much support as you can. She must be scared at the idea of becoming a single mum in such circumstances and also sad that the break-up of her marriage. However, with love and support from her family and friends, she can rebuild her life.
Good luck.

Sorry to hear your news and your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive, loving mother such as you. I think you are maybe wavering between needing to stay calm and focussed on your daughter's well being to wanting to rip your SIL's head off his shoulders. I've no advice for you but wanted to show support and feel anger on your behalf. (Don't really know what type of person the OW's mother is to turn up at a home with a heavily pregnant woman. Just goes to show what type of person, he has got himself involved in!) Best wishes you all.

Thank you so much for the support, I just had a blip earlier when I could see so many horrible things ahead - my daughter's 33, this will be her last week at work before the baby and now she has this to cope with. Luckily I am retired (early, I'm only 58!) as I have been looking after Daniel while she works for the last four years, but unfortunately I have been delaying a much-needed hysterectomy (for large fibroids) for three years, and had planned to have it done as soon as the baby arrives so I am fit for when she would go back to work again after six months. This was the last thing I foresaw so my slump tonight is probably just reaction. I'm sure with support like yours I'll feel better in the morning, ready to get on with it whilst keeping my mouth shut. Right now I could murder my son-in-law (but I promise I won't!)
Thank you again, even just one voice made a difference.

textuahealing, thank you too, I didn't see your post while I was typing!

Oh my, no advice, except keep calm and get a good solicitor. Maybe make sure your daughter has the opportunity to talk to people who have experience in supportimg women in this hideous situation.
Take each day as it comes, I hope you get the chance to have a private word with the excuse for a human being that is your SIL.
She is lucky to have you.

OP - advice from my extended family where there was a similar situation, whatever you think and feel about your Son-in-law, tone down what you say to your Daughter.

If your daugher and her husband are able to work through this and stay married, if you have been too vocial in your disgust it might make things strained and mean she feels she can't come to you if he does something like this again. And it might make it hard for her to discuss her situation with you.

Other than that, listen, offer pratical support. She might not want her husband with her for the birth, can you offer? Also offer to move in for a week or so after the birth to look after her, if he's talking about leaving, he might not be the most helpful.

So sorry your Daughter is going through this, she is lucky to have a mother like you to support her.

Have you considered just cutting his knob off?

DrSeuss I like your thinking

Yes my thoughts would be running along those lines too.

Actually though it is a good idea to say as little as possible because if they stay together it really will be a case of least said, soonest mended.

What a hideous time for you. I have a young adult DD who had her heart well and truly broken by someone who, like you and your SIL, I was genuinely very fond of and felt to be part of the family - not the same at all, I know, but I still remember the sense of betrayal I felt personally, as well as the fury - how dare anyone treat my baby girl that badly.

The only advice I can offer is - go ahead with the operation as planned. If you've already put it off for 3 years, you need to get it done; your daughter will need you fit and well more than ever over the next few years. She'll still have her maternity leave, and will need your emotional support (which you can still give) more than your physical support/presence. Please don't delay it again.

My Ex sister in laws husband had 3 affairs before leaving her for the 4th woman, she should have known what he was like as he was engaged to someone else when he got with ex sister in law, anyway When she was told by one of her friends about the first affair she turned against that friend, every time he went off with another woman she would take him back and cut off anyone who had said anything bad about him, I think she thought if she had no one around that knew he could not keep it in his pants she could pretend it had not happened despite her slagging him off to everyone when he was shagging about.

I am sure your Daughter has more self respect, but it is worth thinking about what you say about him to her.
as much as you want to cut his small dick off don't tell your Daughter

Thank you all - even the extreme suggestions! Didn't sleep very well, but was expecting that, and some of the things posted have really helped to reinforce what I was already thinking.
SIL says he wants to be at the birth, but that's up to my daughter, she's what matters. Am not looking forward to seeing SIL next time, will have to be very strong, and neutral. I'm angry about the occasions my daughter was out and he wanted me to babysit because he "had something on" - yes, now I know what it was....but this isn't about me.
And there's a bewildered 4-year old in the middle of this, things have to be as normal as possible. I'm not quite so worried about the baby, he or she will be born into the situation. At the moment I don't think my daughter will want the marriage to continue, but as you say, there's always a chance, so mustn't do or say anything now to jeopardise that. One day at a time is such a sensible thing right now.
I didn't realise what a huge help this site was going to be, took a chance really, but thank you all so much.

Wow it's sounds like you daughter is either being very strong or she is in shock about this. The only thing I can say is to try to be strong for her. You are obviously very upset but you don't want her to feel as though she needs to protect YOU from what is happening. She has enough to deal with.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, I didn't mean it to. I just meant that you need to be strong for her. I could never tell my mum about things that were worrying me or upsetting me as she was so delicate.