Should I say something or not?

[divadollz]

Hello grandparents

I would really like your advice. I am feeling really resentful towards my mother-in-law as I feel she undermines me at every turn (although I am pretty sure she doesn't realise it!).

Since the day DS was born I have been annoyed, firstly because for the first ever family photo she wouldn't give me my son to hold, she was holding him in the photo! She then insisted in telling me what was wrong with my DS when he was very young and when he cried she would whisk him out of my arms and into another room!

Since he is now a bit older (18 months), it's now things like 'he's always in good form when I see him', and she always asks if we have been 'minding' him as if she owns him. Also calls him 'her baby' from time to time.

Luckily she doesn't live close by and I realise that DS is 'the most important person in her life, even more important than her husband' (which worries me!). But we are going to visit this weekend and I am dreading it, feeling anger towards her and then I kinda huff all weekend.

SO, the question is, do I have 'the conversation' and tell her how I feel, or bite my tongue??? She is a very nice lady, she has just seriously burned her bridges with her daughter-in-law over the last 18 months.

Thanks for reading and any help very appreciated.

You have to ask yourself what you expect to achieve by 'the conversation' and how she will receive it. Will she be angry and resentful? Is she likely to listen reasonably? Does she have the ability to take on board what you are saying? Not knowing your MIL it is impossible to guess what her reaction would be or how you should proceed.

As a Nanna myself I am very aware of overstepping the mark, though have heard myself say 'come to mummy'!!! It is very difficult not to love your GCs as they are part of you genetically, and in the case of my DGS is the spitting image of my DD at that age (yes he is a bit girly looking)!

If she doesnt live nearby I think you can afford to let her indulge her fantasy of having her DS back as 'her baby' again for a short time. You (of course) feel deeply possesive of DS, but if you look at it in the light of 'a baby cannot have enough love' you can let go a little.

If however, she is undermining your parenting skills and confidence, that is something you should not tolerate.

If she lived nearer and was popping in all the time my advice would not be so liberal!

How does yr. DH feel about his Mum, does he support you? If so has he said anything to her?it sounds as if she is not self aware. Maybe a quiet chat from you would help.

Maybe you could approach her by talking about a 'friend ' of yrs who is having a difficult time with her MIL.

I am not a grandparent,but need to be prepared for the day I am.
Does she call your baby my baby as in "Oh where is my baby?" when she arrives type of thing? Would it be better if she said "My grandchild?" Because I call the cat my baby and wouldn't occur to me that someone takes it literally. Is only a term of endearment to me, and perhaps it is with her too?

I'm not a grandparent either but I had problems with my parents being overbearing around my dc when they were babies.

Personally, I found 'the big conversation' was a complete waste of time, they'd say what I wanted to hear and then ignore it. The only way I could deal with it was to tackle each incident as it arose. Not nastily but, for example, I would firmly take the children back if they were crying and say "she's upset, give me 5 mins to calm her down and then you can have her back"

Also 18 months is still young. When my dd1 was 2 she started to object to being taken away from me. I can still remember the first time Dad took her away and I heard her say "No, I want Mummy" and walk back to me.

No-one can undermine you, Divadollz. You are the most important woman in your son's life, and always will be ... until he meets the woman he wants to spend his life with. The only woman who will become more important than you to your son is your future daughter-in-law. And even then, you will always have a special, unique place in his heart.

Your mother-in-law does sound hugely irritating and over-bearing, but she doesn't live nearby. This weekend, instead of fighting for control over your son (which is a fight you would always win, of course), why not just let her enjoy him while he's with her? Her influence over him will be tiny, compared to yours.

I'm not sure you need to tell her to back off. Maybe the reason she is being like this is because she realises she has no real say in anything?

Or have you and she locked horns in a battle for your baby? The only one to lose out while the two of you feed your mutual rage would be your son. As USoRight says, a baby can't have too much love. You could just take a deep breath, relax, and just not join in. Once your mother-in-law realises there is no opposition, she'll relax too.

One conversation I might have, however, is with your husband. I'd make sure he knows exactly what's going on, how you feel. If you tell him you're going to back out for the weekend and leave the field free for MIL, his job is to make sure she doesn't do anything really daft with the child.

It's his mother. Leave it to him.

I also wonder if you're happy with your husband's relationship with his mother. Again, you are number one with him too.

I respect the fact that you came on here to ask for advice from grandparents. I often wonder why young women are so unaware of their power in this situation, and feel so threatened by a person who is sometimes just clinging on because her life is shrinking and she wants to be part of a young family again and feel useful. When I was in your situation, I felt really bullied and disempowered. At one point - and this was just after the birth! - I felt like turning my face to the wall and letting my partner and his mother just take my child away! It wasn't until I realised that I had everything and she had nothing that I was able to relax a bit.

I'm sorry for going on. I'm not sure I've read your situation correctly anyway, so I could be way off. It touched a nerve for me! I hope it's been helpful and I really hope your weekend goes well.

Just seen the date. What happened?

Your feelings are perfectly natural, but should serve as a warning to all mothers with sons.

It's a dynamic that never works well. If it was your own mother behaving this way, you'd be much more tolerant.

I have the same problems, only i live 10 doors away from mine!.

the taking the baby out of the room when crying makes me soooooooooooo annoyed why would you take a crying baby away from its mum?

she undermines everything i do and say if i agree with anything she says she finds other ways to be difficult.

i feel like saying 'look you brought up your children realie well now its my turn and i would like it if you would start respecting me as a mother'.

im very aware of upsetting her, when it was my mum i was very direct and my mum has just been suportive of all of my decisions.

we have always got on ok but now i feel like she is being a complete bitch.

infact i told my dp this evening that he should have words as i feel that if i say anything i wont hold back and i will make it frosty forever.

excuse grammer and spelling please im shattered.

the taking the baby out of the room when crying makes me soooooooooooo annoyed why would you take a crying baby away from its mum?

Have you thought of saying that . . . "why are you taking my baby away from me" and look at her like she's mental!