Age 8, frustrated and getting in trouble at school, what to do?

[goldencrowns]

DD, an only child, is 8 and has always been bright and ahead in school.

Both DP and I were former gifted/talented children, so are well versed in all the pitfalls and didn't want to go down that route with DD. She is at a decent but not stellar small local state primary. She's been greater depth from the start and was reading fluently at 3/4, but we've not made a fuss about it or pushed her and have waited to see how she gets on.

Recently she's been having difficulties at school and with friendships and attention in particular. Pandemic isolation has been an issue, and she's a sensitive and can be quite moody child - though she's always had good social relationships until now. Speaking to her teacher, one big issue we weren't aware of seems to be that DD is able to mess around in lessons, draw/write stories at the same time, and still keep ahead of all the work. She gets pretty much 100% on all tests and learning tasks but is distracting other children during lessons and playing up with teachers. Teacher admits that DD is able to work well beyond the greater depth work but that there isn't any provision to go beyond this.

Talking to DD, she says the work is far too easy, including the greater depth, that it deeply frustrates her and she's only able to manage the frustration by drawing/writing/talking in lessons at the same time. She's starting to be quite resistant to adults in the school setting because she's so bored. She's socially and emotionally very much 8 even if academically ahead of that.

I appreciate that DD has to learn to pay attention in lessons and to be polite to adults, but she seems increasingly frustrated and angry, and I'm not sure I want to tell her she should just sit there switching off and putting up, either. (I switched off around the same age for similar reasons and it was not at all good for my work ethic or mental health as a child/teenager.)

During lockdown we found she would be able to do all her set schoolwork in ten or twenty minutes because it was too easy, but would sometimes refuse to do it for hours, plus lots of shouting/tears/resistance, because she was so bored by it. Left to herself she is hungry for information and reads/absorbs it at a huge rate. We have a ton of books and more than enough ability to give her some intellectual challenge, but heavy workloads and no time or capacity to carry on homeschooling or doing extra work in the evenings. We also can't afford either tutoring or private school at the moment.

School don't seem to be able to suggest any other solution than that she has play therapy to help her feel less frustrated, and that she needs to learn to pay attention in class.

Any advice? Neither DP or I want to go down the IQ test / hothousing route - that was done to DP as a kid and he is very scarred by it. I was left in school to switch off and be bored academically and that scarred me too! I guess we're looking for a way to help DD by not doing either of those things - if it exists...

My 8 year old is similar however attends an Gaelscoil (all subjects are done through Irish which challenges her & she is now bilingual) However even with this she is still away ahead in her work. She has an excellent teacher who has given her an extension folder with Irish & maths plus she is allowed bring in books also to read if she would like some variation. This has led to a little informal "book club" being set up with the other child who is being extended & they love swapping their books from home & discussing afterwards... We are so happy we decided to send her to a Gaelic speaking school as she has really loved the challenge of learning through a different language & feels so proud of her culture... Here in Ireland the Gaelic speaking schools are free.

How did you get on OP? My feelings about this are mixed. I have a G&T DS who is now 14, but at that age, he had no behaviour issues. Not that every teacher gave him sufficient quality work that is. He was just a all round well behaved pupil.

I think you need to understand that some kids who are behind in their learning can be disruptive, some kids who are middle achievers can be disruptive, and some high achievers can be disruptive. It's important to understand that all children are bored at some point or another in a classroom. If your daughter's behaviour isn't as expected, it's because of her behaviour, not because she's a high achiever. Otherwise, you will carry on making excuses for poor behaviour until she's at uni.

I was your daughter (although I don't think I was disruptive) and I used to smuggle in books to read. When I got to year 5 or 6 they used to take some of us out of the classroom for a while to do different work or occasionally a special activity.

I feel like this could be easily solved with access to appropriate reading books or resources on a laptop, if the will is there (and maybe some kind of ideas journal?) But you do need the teacher to be on board, so start planning for September now as it's a bit late in the school year to effect much change in the current class.

Agree that disruptive doesn’t equal high achiever.

Sounds like the school has made an attempt at differentiation. Ours let’s DC read silently when they have finished - our main challenge is DD racing through work as it’s “easy” and not showing enough care / attention - something to consider.

From experience ... if they are a high achiever nothing will ever be “difficult” per se, so you need to do some expectation setting. What is it you want to achieve - breadth? Depth? Build on their strengths / work on their weaknesses?

You've already had a lot of good advice on here but I'd like to reiterate that there are a lot of fairly easy ways to make things more challenging for your DD. Asking higher level questions and setting a project, for example.

I would encourage you to speak to the teacher and other people at school. You mention that you are a governor. Your role as parent and as governor do need to be kept separate and require different conversations, but there is no reason that you can't address provision for those with higher ability in your role of governor at an appropriate time as well. However, the issue with your daugher does need to be addressed now to avoid further deterioration.

I would also advise having a look at the charity Potential Plus UK www.potentialplusuk.org for support.

I hope you find the following useful:
Section 7 of the Education Act 1996 says:
The parent of every child of compulsory school age shall cause him to receive efficient full-time education suitable -
(a) to his age, ability and aptitude, and
(b) to any special educational needs he may have,
either by regular attendance at school or otherwise.
This puts the onus on you to ensure your daughter has an appropriate education.

Article 29 of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) which came into force in the UK in 1992 states:
Governments agree that “the education of the child shall be directed to:
The development of the child’s personality, talents and mental and physical abilities to their fullest potential.

Teachers' Standards 2011 say:
Part One: Teaching
A teacher must:

1. Set high expectations which inspire, motivate and challenge pupils

• Set goals that stretch and challenge pupils of all backgrounds, abilities and dispositions.

and

1. Adapt teaching to the strengths and needs of all pupils

• know when and how to differentiate appropriately, using approaches which enable pupils to be taught effectively
• have a clear understanding of the needs of all pupils, including those with special educational needs; those of high ability; those with English as an additional language; those with disabilities; and be able to use and evaluate distinctive teaching approaches to engage and support them.

The National Curriculum (England) states:
Section 4 Inclusion
Setting Suitable Challenges
4.1 Teachers should set high expectations for every pupil. They should plan stretching work for pupils whose attainment is significantly above the expected standard.

The school is clearly not up to educating her at the appropriate level. Being years ahead of grade level and trapped in a school where all the resources are directed to remediating struggling kids is a nightmare scenario for your DD. She is learning to be contemptuous of school and authority.

Can you just continue to give her books to read and notebooks to draw and write stories? I work in a profession with a lot of very smart people, anda fair few of the spent primary school sitting on their own reading novels and drawing in a notebook.
Ideally she needs a different school, even a larger state school with a strong cohort would be so much better than where she is.

You can not expect her to sit quietly, no talking, without giving her something else to do. Of course everyone can get bored. But it's different if you have to do the same (far too easy) stuff as everyone else day in day out.

As other posters have said :
1)Of course she's playing up, the poor kid is bored rigid. The school have a responsibility to provide her with appropriate work.
2)This is the school's issue - they aren't addressing the needs of your daughter.

The school offering "play therapy to help her feel less frustrated" is a huge red flag. it sends the message that there is something wrong with her that needs to be fixed, i.e. that she is the problem, whereas in actuality their failure of provision is the problem that needs to be fixed.
"I don't want to arrange an IQ test" often means "let's ignore this inconvenient problem and hope it goes away". That's wishful thinking - if you don't address it, it's just as likely to escalate.
She needs acceleration and enrichment. If she doesn't get them she may drop out - emotionally and mentally if not physically.

Just tell her do the work and sit her for private school 11 plus for comp. If she is very gifted she will get a 100 percent scholarship

Just a quick update to this thread - and thank you to all who’ve replied since it dropped off my threads I’m on!

So, things have massively improved this term with a new teacher and the removal of most of the coronavirus restrictions. At the start of the new academic year DD got put on a table with two “naughty” boys and expected to help them with their work, and she was coming home crying every day saying she wasn’t learning anything and she hated school.

I really hate this model of using the bright kids as tutors, and was all ready to go in and complain, but hung back a few weeks. Thankfully, then this new teacher seems to have caught on to DD pretty fast, and she’s now been re-seated with the two other most advanced children in the class, both boys who are very competitive about science and maths, and DD is loving it. The teacher has also been giving her extra little bits of responsibility and recognition for DD’s work, including being a monitor and an award for her writing, which has made DD feel a lot happier and driven to focus and show what she can do.

There’s now a lot more group work again and activity work and some of the more engaging subjects DD likes have returned, like French and Music and design tech, which has made things a lot more varied and interesting for her. She’s much happier and more engaged with the work, and as far as I know from our last parents’ meeting, not disrupting anyone — in fact she seems to be really enjoying the challenge of keeping up with the nerdy boys, but also getting to play with her other girl friends from other classes at break and lunch now that the bubbles have been dissolved.

I still think she probably needs a bit more enrichment, but things seem to be going in the right direction at school, and she’s much happier and not playing up in class any more, which confirms my feeling that the Covid restrictions and limited curriculum were the main issues last academic year.

Thanks to all who replied, it was very helpful. If anyone has any other good tips please add them, I am really keen to hear of what has worked for others in similar positions or any other things I could try to keep DD engaged!

I used to love finishing my work quickly so I could read. As long as she's quiet and doesn't disturb the class, surely she can do some independent work.

Sounds like my DD. Over performs in everything. But plays several instruments and an elite sport plus other sports and scouting. She's no bored as too much on. But all is at a silly high level