Asynchronous Development

[Lima1]

Hi just wondering if any of you have experience with this and can give me some advice. DS is 8.5 yrs and has always been a good bit ahead intellectually. While his brightness can be very rewarding I do think it has come at a cost. He started getting serious tantrums at about 2.5 years old. I have an older (DD10 ) and younger (DS7) child and many many nieces, nephews and friend's kids in and around the same ages so I have a fair idea of the ranges of normal behaviour.

His tantrums were exceptional, he would easily scream for 45mins at a time a number of times a day over nothing. He used to follow me around the house going crazy. This went on for years and was so bad I ended up with a terrible panic attack disorder. I contacted a child behavioural specialist and she concluded that he was developing intellectually very quickly but emotionally and socially was very immature.

Anyway things have gotten better but he is still a very trying child. He is very emotionally immature, stubborn and still prone to bad tantrums.
He tries to control most situations and struggles to cope when he isn't allowed. I have him in loads of sports and TBH sports are not his strong suit but I think they are very important for many reasons.
Last night he was playing a match which is usually a source of tension for my DH and me.
So last night this is what happened:

• He argued with the coach about what position he wanted to play (despite multiple warnings from DH and me not to dare to this and just go where he is told)
• he played ok for the first half but then had no concentration for the second half and wandered around the pitch taking no interest in the game. Normally he is only allowed to play a short period and is always the sub which I hate as he is the only one that gets little game time, so his lack of interest/concentration last night only served to give the coach an excuse to bench him in the future. He played the full game as they were missing players.
• he is the smallest player on the team and an opposing team player called him small and said he couldn't play football. Instead of shrugging it off DS proceeded to roar crying, went around telling his coaches and interrupting the game and generally made a massive deal out of it. All the coaches got involved, the players were spoken to, it turned into a big drama (DS wouldn't tell anyone what he said bar the child insulted him so I think everyone thought he said something much worse)

Everything is a drama with him and he will manipulate situations all the time to try to get his own way. If DD10 or DS7 is bold I can give out, give a punishment and we can move on. DS8 will push and push until I snap. He doesn't care about any punishment, I bought him an Xbox last year simply so I could take it away as a punishment. Currently he has lost the use of it for the next 2 weeks and he couldn't care less.

He has amazing concentration at times, if he gets a new Lego set he can build it for hours. He was building pieces for 16+ at 4/5 years of age but cant remember to brush his teeth in the morning.
I could give examples all day.

Do I just have to wait for things to level out or is there anything I can do to help him along?

I worry his immaturity will affect his friendships. His friends see these tearful tantrums and they look at him like he is a bold 2 year old.
My nephew has some special needs and I supported my sister through all the assessment of needs etc so I am very familiar will all the characteristics and signs of autism, ADHD, ODD etc and while yes you could pick out one or two characteristics he definitely doesn't have special needs.
I love to know if your child was like this and when (if ever) it levelled out.
Thanks

On the autism thing, in the nicest possible way, you might not best placed to judge because you've got that one glaring example nearby and you're unconsciously measuring everything against that.

In your example, being able to laugh and have a conversation doesn't rule what's known out as "higher functioning" autism. That would have been me and my husband at that age, we were both good at masking and talking, it's why it got missed in us - but we still had difficulties and it was nothing calculated or cruel in our behaviour.

Mogle, your post made me think. I have no other people with autistic traits around me. So when nursery manager suggested it, it came with a shock, and I read so many articles/books, etc. Now my ds doesn't really show any signs at school, but we are quite sure there are something. My ds is gifted in a way, but not just gifted, he is definitely 2e, I feel there are something, and I really wish I can help him have better life.

I think if he did have it someone would have said something to us by now. He gets on really well in school apart from a few occasions where he has been disruptive but on the whole is well behaved. He has had excellent school reports, gets pretty much 100% on all tests. He has done the standardised tests last year and scored 9/10 on maths and 10/10 on English. The teacher last year used him to teach other kids as a way of keeping him occupied as the work is too easy and he loved doing that. He has his communion coming up and is doing a reading a mass and is very excited about that.
Its just there are days when he is extremely stubborn and bad tempered and throws tantrums for nothing. He is overly sensitive and would not be embarrassed at crying in front of his friends where at this age I notice his peers would be. He is not easily coaxed out of these states but I definitely do feel they are coming from a place of immaturity rather than a genuine inability to control himself (or maybe this is the same thing!)
I coach kids and have a few kids who are autistic and there is an autistic boy on DS's class and honestly ds is nothing like them. I have 2 cousins who have high functioning autism, granted I don't know them well but my mam does and she said you would know straight away. Id have no problem if he is, sure he would still be the same child with or without a label but I really don't see it.

Mogleflop can I ask what traits ye wuold have that would be noticeable?

I don't know if your son is autistic or not you say you "don't see it" but who wants to see it in their own child? You need an objective, professional opinion. If your son is autistic or has another developmental need then the sooner he gets support the better. There is no classic case of autism and many of us appear to be totally "normal" to our parents, particularly those of us with high levels of intelligence because we use our intellect to mask our "shortcomings". My mum was shocked when I was diagnosed at 27 for example. She was adamant that I was just a normal kid with lots of friends who was happy and engaged. She didn't think realise that I constantly felt like the odd one out, that no one really understood me because I didn't understand them. In your original post you talk about him being hyper focussed on his interests, that he is manipulative and controlling and also very literal, you talk about outbursts of emotion which are disproportionate to the situation. These are autistic traits and everyone has some autistic traits but if these interfere with your sons ability to function then he will need support. The long and the short of it is that if he gets to adulthood and things don't settle down it will be very difficult to get support have assessment done now and if they say he's just a very bright boy with asynchronous development then you can get on with life if they do say that he is autistic or has odd etc then you can still get on just with the support he needs.

My son is gifted and has ASD although is on the ‘mild’ end of the spectrum so he doesn’t present as a typical ‘rainman’ version that people think of.
He is a model pupil at school and he doesn’t behave like he can at home. That is because he tried a so hard all day to behave and conform and deal with the sensory input of School and being social so when he gets home where he is safe and comfortable he can let go and let it all out.

It’s been hard as he isn’t consistent with what will cause him to melt down.
Even f you don’t believe your son has any ASD traits it may be worth treating him as if he does.

Things that have helped me -
Realising that he has a longer processing speed than other children. So when I tell him to put his shoes on I now realise that he needs time for that message to sink in. Me telling him 20 times in 10 minutes isn’t going to make him do it any faster and just serves to make me stressed out, So I tell him once in advance and leave it a while before I remind him.

He takes everything at face value. If I say we are going to 2 shops and I actually end up going to 4 that will cause him stress as that is not what I said. So I have learnt to choose my words carefully, and say I don’t know how many shops or 2 but if they don’t have what I want at one I may need to go to another etc etc

Regarding the constant questions - it can be exhausting but with ASD they need to make sense of the world and everything in it and sometimes they need to ask all the questions that pop into their head in order to make thier world straight

I have realised that when DS has been in sociable situations or places with a lot of noise or sensory input afterwards he just needs to be calm and quiet and to go off to his room and de stress.

Things in our house have been much calmer since we have worked out ways to reduce trigger points plus as DS has got older he has learnt to recognise the signs and situations that cause him to melt down and can remove himself before he gets to that point.

Like PP have said, no child with autism or ASD or ADHD are the same. In the same way that no NT child is the same, also even someone with autism will change over the years to some extent.

This has been a really interesting thread.
But, yes- op, autism presents so differently from person to person. I'm not saying your D's has autism, but he certainly has some traits, and I find the best thing is to keep an open mind.