"It's not fair! What am I getting if she's getting that?"

[greencolorpack]

We have a new member of the family, my nephew. Came to live with us last year. He has to fit in with two new siblings, my ds and dd. Previously he was an only child, and quite spoilt and pampered. He was allowed to eat meals by nibbling a bit, going away, running around, coming back, eating a bit of pudding, going away, coming back and nibbling the first course again etc... I never liked the way he was indulged before. Now he lives with me, we all sit down to meals together, we all stay seated until the end and he has to ask permission to leave the table. He's adapted well to those changes.

However- he spends a lot of time watching us like hawks for signs that he's being hard done by. If dd comes in from school and eats a banana, he says "What can I have if she's having a banana?" It's said with a tone, like he's saying "I'm missing out and have to argue my corner!" Now we deny him nothing and try to be scrupulously fair. But the stress and strain on myself and dh are causing problems.

So what should we do? Should we discipline him when he comes out with this anxiety/tone of voice/bubbling indignation waiting to burst out to make a big deal out of how hard done by he thinks he is - or should we ignore it - or should we just say "Sometimes life's unfair and your cousin gets the bigger piece of chicken - GET OVER IT!!!!"

How do we take the anxiety out of mealtimes and food/treats etc? What is the answer?

It may sound like I don't like him, but I really do, we love him to bits and show it as much as we can, but we are intensely irritated by some of the things he does. By his actions you'd think he was an orphan from some draconian place where he got fed once a week. He wasn't. He's away this weekend and I've noticed how unstressed I am. guilty aunty

Thanks for recent messages. Shaz, I think with the banana, I just said yes, you can have one, and didn't make a big deal about it, so hopefully he didn't pick up on my irritation that time. I use it here as an illustration of something he said that just really annoyed me, and I'm troubled because I wish it didn't annoy me, if you see what I mean.

I have set up occasionally, some treats for good behaviour. Like, usually I have to tell him to practice violin but I've made it clear to both of them (dd too) that if they practice every day without being asked then good things will come to them, so last time he did it, I praised him loads, and also got him to choose some chocolate in the shop as a treat, and also praised him to my violin teacher who is also a very positive and warm presence in our lives. And every now and then I get a nice pudding in for them all like ice cream or sweeties.

Madlizzy, that's a good idea. I find laughter is a good de-stressor, if we can all manage it so we play silly games during tea like the word game and we all have a good laugh. (One person says one word, next person says the next word). I wish it was always like this, but often I'm tired, stressed and ratty, and so is dh. Dh does his best, and I think dn knows he's loved by us both, but behind closed doors dh does tell me he's very stressed, and resents dn being with us and all the hassle of his mother and sister living nearby (he bears the brunt of this being the only "functioning" relative in the family.) I'm amazed to read you have triplets, I can't imagine having three at once like that! How do they get on with each other? Are the boys identical?

Dn has interesting blind spots with fairness, which is not his fault, he's just a kid in a mixed up situation. He used to live with MIL, an elderly lady on her own, and all of MIL's elderly lady friends used to give dn massive amounts of cash on his birthday. They never bought him anything, they just gave cash, and I bet they gave it hoping it would go to MIL, because they know she's on her own and is very proud, so by giving to him they were indirectly giving to her. Well last summer, when dn had just moved to ours, MIL came to visit for his birthday (she had not yet moved nearby) and on his birthday, in front of my children, she proceeded to hand over about £170 all from various friends and so on. My ds and dd were upset, because they don't get any money from these old ladies. MIL was too crass and insensitive to think of my own children's feelings. Dh and I were unhappy, but we set up a building society account and dn's money went in there (my children already have accounts). And I was upset about the money because dn does NOT live with MIL any more, and if they want to send money I believe they should either remember all three children's birthdays, or send the money to MIL and let her buy dn something and don't involve my family at all.

So I wrote a very polite and grateful letter to a couple of these friends, explaining the above. I got a letter back from one of them telling me that dn was NOT my child and I had no right to decide what happens with his finances, I should refer to MIL about his money. It was the kind of letter where I could hear MIL's voice (they had obviously conspired on the phone for hours about what to say, probably both saying what a bitch I am as well). MIL had huge overdramatic reaction and started slagging me off to dh every chance she got. So I didn't write back to that woman (when you've wrestled in a snakepit, and got out, you don't get back in again) but I'm battening down the hatches for this year's birthday. I just couldn't believe the sauce of this woman. If I sat down and worked out how much of our money has gone into dn, now, plus violin lessons, expenses, my own family totally accepting dn as one of our own, uncles giving huge sums of birthday money to dn, he's wanted for nothing, and then there's this old crone telling me I should refer to MIL over all financial decisions..... I could be really bitter but I won't because it would get back to MIL, and she's just a silly old woman who chose to jump in on a complex family relationship and stir up more shit. I'm offended that MIL sided with her over family, family trying to raise her own grandson even, but anyway.

I don't make financial decisions and refer to MIL. She helps out when she can and to my face says she's grateful for all we do. It's just in gossiping to her old friends she likes to make out I'm this enemy.

Anyway dn's approach to getting all this money in front of the other two was "oh those old ladies don't know ds and dd." As if that explains everything. I don't try and tell him off about any of it, I don't talk to MIL about it, I took on the old ladies themselves because they are the ones sending the money. But it just gave me grief so I'll just have to try and handle whatever happens this year a bit better.

DN is right in that they don't know your kids, and in his 11 year old boy, self centred and simplistic way, he won't see the problem, because he is still 11. Who cares what MIL says to her old mates? At least they're leaving someone else alone. They can't hurt you and you have the final say with DN no matter what they think. I do think the bank account is a fabulous idea. Let them fund his future!

Yes, indeed. Well hopefully this year it will be different, hopefully the friends will take on board that dn is one of three. I know some people see it differenty. I'm not trying to obliterate his past, or act like he has no past before living with us, or I'm not trying to act like MIL has no say in anything ever again... I think MIL had her dramatic reaction because this was me for the first time, assertively standing up for my rights as a mother and caregiver, MIL's not used to that, she's a matriarch type who likes to be in control of everything and she liked me as long as I was biddable DIL. (Which I was, I used to come over when the children were having tea at Nanas and I never said anything about anything, never tried to discipline dn when he lived with her, etc). Now I'm the adult in his life and I have to stand up for my children and also dn and also for the set up they're in now. If I'm trying to be scrupulously fair about money and gifts, it's not good when these large sums come for dn and undermine what I'm doing.

Dn loves having his own bank account. Not that he gets money out of it. He used to go out shopping with his mum, and he'd come back with cheap plastic toys that he regretted buying five minutes later. His mum with her mental health issues, is not capable of saying no or making decisions, so she's not a good adult to take him out shopping.

My boys still come back with cheap plastic crap that they regret buying occasionally. At least it's out of their pocket money though.

Pocket money! We give it on such a fitful basis, like once a month and it's supposed to be every week. But on the upside if we're out shopping and they want something we do usually say yes.

My lot earn theirs. They get 50p a job and they can earn up to £5 in a week, so the power is in their hands, so to speak. This involves any aspect of housework, as they're all big enough to muck in. That first year of secondary school shows big changes, and they need some money to hang out with their mates, even if it's just to buy a Greggs sausage roll and a drink whilst they're out and about. I also top them up a tenner a month on their phones, which they got for their 11th birthday.

I like the fact that my washing basket is now rarely overflowing, as swapping the washing is the most favoured (easiest) job.

He is clearly looking for constant proof that you love him becasue he feels insecure. I guess you need to explore what it is, for dn, that makes him feel loved, and why.

OP Im not a foster I just lurk here because it is something I would like to do when my own are a bit older (as currently no room)

But the whole "she has a nana what can I get?" I get from my kids and my standard response is " a hug/a kiss" and laugh opening my arms.. Why dont you try that? its about them knowing they are valued.

Greencolorpack - are you in the UK. It's just I noticed your spelling of color (which I think is the American spelling) Anyway you sound like you are doing a fantastic job with your DN and he is testing you out (you refer to him doing something he shouldn't and looking at you) to see how you are going to react. He will be wondering if he is as important as the other children in the family and will I think suspect that he isn't, no matter how much you assure him that he is etc - but over time I'm sure things will settle.

The thing I was concerned about was the fact that you are not getting any finance or support from Soc Services. I have 30 yrs experience in children's services for a LA. Now retired. I think you said that your MIL was granted a Residence Order (which has to be done in court) on the boy. So soc services were involved as they would have had to support the application for the R.O. Do you know exactly how your dn came to be placed with his grandmother - this is important because if the soc services placed him there for his own safety, than the boy was in fact in the looked-after system, and soc services had responsibility for him. It sounds to me like they persauded your MIL to apply for a R.O on the boy (they like this because it means that the child is "off the books" and no longer the responsibility of soc services) However you say they paid money to your MIL. It is now the case that the person with the R.O is no longer caring for the boy. My view is that legally you should have to apply to court to vary the terms of the Residence Order, to transfer it from your MIL to you and your DH.

I think social services are pulling a fast one on you, and are fobbing you off. You really need some legal advice on this matter. However for starters I think you should write to the Director of Social Services, stating what has happened and your concern that the person who was granted the RO is no longer caring for the child, and social workers have said they will not get involved. The letter will be passed down to the relevant team and they should take notice. If you can get legal advice before the letter so much the better, but do go to a lawyer who is experienced in family law, as some of them are not, and may not give you correct information.

Alternatively you could contact Fostering Network, which is the national organisation for fostering services (google it) and ask for their advice. You probably won't get any support from soc services but you should get the allowance that was being paid to your MIL transferred to yourselves. Also the issue of the Residence Order should be sorted out,because at the moment you do not have parental responsibility for the boy and this could become problematic, especially given his birth mother's illness and possisble consequences of that.

Me again - sorry - just remembered something you raised, if social services have not carried out any assessments on you, how can they be sure that the child is appropriately placed (I'm sure he is) but as you say you could be entirely inappropriate in all sorts of ways. I think you should make that point in your letter to the Director of Social Services.

The other way of getting things deal with quickly is to find out who is the head of the Social Services Committee (made up of elected councillors) and write to him or her, or your local MP. You will be able to find this on google, or by phoning your LA. They will pass the letter to the Director, and the director will want answers from the relevant team manager asap because they will have to feed back to the councillor who raised the issue on your behalf.

Hi there NanaNina, I'm British, the spelling of my name is just from a camera that sits next to the computer, I like to think of random names by looking at objects nearby, I'm no good at coming up with meaningful or clever usernames.

We have done some of the things you mention... the problem is we moved recently 400 miles within Britain, and are now in a different country than the one where the Residence Order was granted. We are worried that if we buy the services of a lawyer they will take several months and thousands of pounds off us and will then say "Oh you're not in this area, we're not the lawyers for you" and we'll have to pay the money again. We just don't know where to start. Well, dh wrote to our MP and he hassled the head of Social Services, which was nice of him, but we're back at the head of Social Services saying "Apply to court" which is so vague we are extremely p*ed off about it. What court?? What court where??? How???? When we're sitting in court with lawyers 400 miles from where we live, who is looking after the children/maintaining our continued employment?

The local authority did encourage MIL to take dn, and because she did, he has grown up in a secure and stable home with us nearby to take him out on family outings his whole life, so we're glad she did cos otherwise I guess he would have ended up drifting in care. And him being the same age as my ds, my MIL would not have enjoyed my ds because seeing him would remind her of her missing grandson, which would have been terribly emotionally harrowing. But the social were involved from the start and knew from the start that if anything happened to mIL's health that dn would live with us. They are now claiming that what we did was a "family arrangement" as if we came up with the idea on a whim in 2009 rather than being a planned thing in 2001.

I don't know where to begin and could cry thinking about it all.

Thanks for details of the Fostering Network, I might pursue that.

On another note... today was a good day... lots of positive reinforcement, no raised voices, got on just fine with dn and the other children today. And this is with dh not around so I'm pleased.