DH wants to join the RAF - What's it actually like being a forces wife?

[GherkinSnatch]

As the title really. DH wanted to join twice when he was younger - first when he was 18 but his then-girlfriend didn't want him to go so he didn't, and again when he was older (but before he met me) but he was rejected based on BMI. He's looking for a change of career, and after talking to friends in the forces, he's been looking at the RAF recruitment site again and has realised that if he wants to join this would be his last chance to do so based on the maximum entry age for the job role he's interested in (ATC).

I'm wary. Firstly, I didn't sign up to be a forces wife - we have two DC, one at school and a 2 year old - I can't imagine how this potential change would impact on them. I'm a SAHM so that doesn't make much difference. He's said that the roles he's looking at would be UK based and that he has friends who either commute to their base or live on base in the week and come home at the weekends. I'm not happy with the idea of potentially leaving my family to live near a base elsewhere in the UK. But surely there's no such thing as a role that wouldn't involve deployment abroad?

Is there anything else I should be asking? I've really not put too much thought into it until now, as I thought he was too old to sign up (34) and I want to approach the idea with an open mind.

Thanks

I can only advise from perspective of being an Army wife and I know it differs from being in the RAF, but I didn't want you to go unanswered.

But - you're right to be wary. Nothing is ever guaranteed in terms of not deploying, where he'd be based etc. The change to your lives would be enormous. In the last decade we've moved house eight times, and it takes its toll on everyone for obvious reasons. But some people will move far less than depending on rank/role/regiment etc. Some also take the weekly commuting route so family stay in one place and serving person does the travelling.

I think in this situation you need to listen to your DH if it really is a dream of his, but you have to be signed up to it yourself for him to go ahead. It's a hard life and the serving member and his/her family always come second to that of whichever of the forces you are. It has many upsides too but it's undeniable that it can be difficult.

As an aside - in a time where defence budgets are constantly being squeezed and the benefits that used to be a huge draw to serving are rapidly disappearing, I wouldn't be thinking about joining now. The average pay used to be balanced out by all the other allowances and pension etc but everything is taking a hammering now.

Also you might actually get more replies if you post in chat or somewhere else - this is a very quiet board.

My dh isn't in the forces, it is not something i did or would sign up for. TBH with a young child I would put him on notice that I didn't know if it would work and couldn't promise the marriage would survive. I might say I would try and commit to a year or two given it had been his dream but it's just not my idea of family life. I'd probably want to discuss home time- let him know in advance that I didn't feel he could use home time to relax and recover while I kept doing all the usual. If I would be sole parent for most of the time I would expect him to recognise and appreciate that and make sure I got time on my own when he was around. I would consider going away for a few days / a week before he started so he could do a week on his own with the children.

It's such an enormous change for you.

I'm a Royal Navy wife, DH has been in since he was 16, so no choice!
It is tough at times, no doubt about it. I have always been pretty independent and don't mind my own company, but sometimes it gets a bit much, depending on what draft he is given. He was in the Gulf one Christmas, for example, on a 9 month post, while I was at home with 3 kids under 5 and a part time job! I couldn't have done it without help from my dad.
The last few years have been tough (the dc are older, but I work full time now in a demanding job, and he has been away a LOT) and I think if his next draft isn't local we'll be having words about him putting in his notice (they have to give a years notice)
On the plus side, it has given him a good and interesting career, with lots of transferable skills and a good pension. And he has supported my career as much as I have supported his.

Thanks for your reply! I'll post in Chat too

That's really interesting to hear about the benefits disappearing. I've said to him that they must have trouble recruiting at the moment if they've increased the age limit for a lot of roles.

I think in this situation you need to listen to your DH if it really is a dream of his This is what I'm struggling with - I really want to enable this for him if he really wants to go for it. I think he regrets not continuing with it when he was 18 (though if I say that to him he says that if he had done that he wouldn't have met me, so he doesn't regret it). If it was 5 years ago I don't think I would have the same hesitations, and I think if we had the DC once he was already serving I wouldn't have the same reservations. It's just the change for them that mainly bothers me.

My husband is ex navy and I'd also agree you're right to be wary. Two of his cousins were Raf. My husband put his notice in when we had our daughter as it meant he would be away too much.

Firstly I'd say the training is not quick. It's about three months. Secondly atc in the Raf is not a uk based role as far as I know, it can be deployed at a moments notice, from a battlefield onwards. I think he needs to understand it better in terms of what the role involves. Maybe the both of you could have a chat with them together?

RN from the ground up here, my Dad was in, my husband retired a couple of years, ago after 34 years in, my db is still serving, my fil was in, and my nephew has just joined!!

Having grown up in a service family it seems fine to me. We took the weekending route when married as we,have always had our own home, until dh got two consecutive foreign postings, and I let the house, resigned from my job, and ds and I moved abroad.

There is a good social life, the pay seems OK, but the pension scheme has changed. You have to be able to cope with the demands of service life, be that weekending, having your dh away at Christmas, or giving birth on your tod as the baby is early and he is somewhere under the ocean! I wouldn't have swapped it, dh had a satisfying career, I got to pursue my career until we moved abroad, and we were both happy. I always accepted that the job came first, but was brought up like that. You need to be fairly independent and capable of coping with the car, washing machine and one other thing always going wrong the minute they deploy.

It will give your dh a great set of transferable skills, help with qualifications (both dh and db got their Masters degrees whilst serving), and you get the benefits of someone with a can do attitude, which is helpful most of the time. The other thing is that there is career progression and a recognised career path. Both dh and db joined at 18/19, and neither ever considered doing anything else once they were in, they were both having a good and challenging career. No chance to get bored of the 9 to 5.

Army wife here - 17 yrs and counting. We make it work but my husband was always going to join and I knew that when I met him. There are pros and cons (as with any job) and as mentioned further up the thread a defined career path is no had thing (although I'd worry that at 34, your husband would be competing against younger men and women and might miss targets for promotion - in the Army, promotion scoring is linked to age and experience).

I don't know how often the RAF move on posting but my husband changes job every two years or so and we would move with him.

Like scaryteacher, we did the weekend thing for nine years (fortnightly commuting in our case) but moves back into quarters for his command appointment. We're about to move back into our own home as quarters are so bad now - rents are approaching civvie rates (which means it's getting harder to save for a deposit) and the housing quality is declining.

I've seen a massive change (a generational shift, really) in the years since we married - some things for the better, some things for the worse.

It can be a great life but you have to be prepared for the job to come first and to cope on your own for extended periods, away from family if you've moved on base.

Thanks all, we're still talking about it. He has an appointment with the AFCO next week to talk about it further. From the phone conversations he's had, there's now talk of him going through the IOT route based on his existing qualifications and work experience.

I'm definitely getting the gist of the job coming first, and I'm still not sure how I feel about that. More to talk about, I think.

Dh is a civvy now, working in a related field, and the job still comes first; as mine did when I was teaching. Being in the Forces isn't a 9-5, you can't just leave at 1700 and forget about until the next day, unless you are a very junior rank/rate. However, that will be the same for any well paid civilian job, it will sometimes require that family time is put aside for the job to get done.

Jcscot waves...a rent review has been carried on SSFAs in Brussels, and the rents have dropped massively and the CILOCT has disappeared too. Shame that didn't happen 4 years ago!!!

Job definitely comes first! I remember DH suddenly got jobbed onto a boat that was going away- the day before dd2's christening! I ranted and cried, but pointless, as there was nothing either of us could do about it. Embarrassingly, the celebrant insisted on stressing that I was NOT a single mother, my DH was in the forces, to the rest of the congregation. Cringe!

Hello, I am a raf wife with a 5yr old and a 3months old.. it is not easy! Not by any means but my partner loves his job and although he has been deployed on several occasions we have always had notice and each base has a social centre that offers help and meeting, kiddies playmates and a chance to meet other raf wives.

There are many down sides as there are in any walk of life but the military is a lifestyle and a community. In the end you'll have friends from all over the world and if you fully embrace it, it can be wonderful.
Also job security is a great stress saver also the military have always been very accommodating - during my difficult pregnancy my partner wasn't kept late or sent away at all due to my Ill health. And ontop of that he had a fair few days off by my side in hospital and it was all covered in his salary.
Great peace of mind in knowing if the kids were seriously sick or myself-he would be there and still be able to cover bills, a luxury most civvies don't have xx

Theplatypus I'll raise you dived somewhere for ds's birth, and didn't know he was born til three days after the event. Being bounced one Christmas, and sailing late Christmas Eve....we were the only ones at Devil's Point to see them go.

scary that's a bummer. I'll take it your DH was a submariner? More by luck than skill, DH has made it home for the birth of all 3 and only had one Christmas away.

I've never followed him as I have my own career and preferred to have a stable base for the kids, so I don't know what the married patches are like etc, but maybe the RAF are more empathetic than the RN from mikkidens post- when my mum died they phoned the hospital to check before they would let him home!

Theplatypus , yes, he was a submariner.

I didn't follow him for 20 years, like you, I preferred to be stable, but he had two foreigns back to back, so half way through the first,cIty moved and did 7 years in Brussels, as it turned out to be three back to back there.

That's reassuring mikkiden. He's got his appointment on Thursday. I've been doing my own research into the roles he's interested in - mainly Flight Operations Officer but he's also wanting to ask about SNCO ATC because that's what he was originally interested in before the recruitment officer on the phone said he could apply for a CO role.

I'm nervous. I want him to find out as much as he can what sort of areas he'd likely be posted to. Ultimately, I think we probably would follow him if he was posted in England. If he was posted at any of the Scottish bases we'd look at living somewhere that was commutable, but not too far from family, I think that would be our best-case. But I guess these are the sort of things he can try to find out on Thursday.

Dh is in the raf and I have to echo everything@mikkiden has said.
I love our forces life, the security it brings they understand our family life and are wonderful with our daughter

RAF ATC girlfriend here. The job definitely comes first and it's not without stress! You can definitely be posted overseas; from what I understand though if you're Scottish based that might be an advantage cos where my OH is people don't want to trek all the way to Scotland, not when they're used to the south of England! It's a stressful job. Depends on what you end up doing and where. My OH is on 6 on, 4 off but other places do 6 on, 3 off. So you don't get 'weekends' but you do get random chunks of days off.

There are fewer overseas places to get sent to than there used to be but they do still exist and from what I understand he would be expected to go, could be 6 months away. BUT this might not happen, my OH hasn't been away the whole time I've known him, furthest he got was Wiltshire I think sod's law would be him getting deployed if he proposes to me!

The main thing I guess is that with most jobs once you get to a certain level, the job comes first, but when push comes to shove you can leave; not really so with the military. You really are signing up to it when you start. They tell you where you are going and what you are doing and they can change it with no notice. That was the hardest thing for me I think.

I hate it. DH joined Navy many years after we got together. He's happy with his sociable, interesting career, but he's not the one who has given up extended family, a good career, friends, etc to enable it, with no personal gain or benefit.

I've moved a number of times to keep us together, as the alternative is seeing each other rarely for 2 1/2 years while posted at the opposite end of the country, and I really don't see how a good relationship would survive that length of time apart. Especially with the reputation forces members have (which DH has admitted to observing).
I used to be fine with it, being a happily independent and capable person, but I think I've reached my limit now. After a particularly enjoyable deployment on his part, in which he had little communication with us, yet posted his many exciting exploits abroad on FB, I think I've just realised how much you get taken for granted as a forces spouse.

I was a RAF wife for a long time. My DH was in the process of joining when we first met. (25 years ago) He left the forces nearly 6 years ago.
We moved 12 times, went to some great places and made some amazing friends. It wasn’t easy, I became a SAHM mum to 3 children and was often too far from family to have any support from them. However, the support network from other mums on the bases we were on was very good.
I was generally very happy as a forces wife. I especially enjoyed the Balls, Dinners and Guest nights. Very glamorous! :D :D