To use my previous anorexia to cope for now.

[Honestadviceneeded]

Hi all.
Just after some insight/advice. I have always struggled with my mental health. I developed anorexia at age 14 and battled for 18 years, making what I would say is a full recovery when I finally had my daughter.
However, I have struggled with bouts of depression and panic attacks that are really impacting my life. Recently, a family death has triggered some past things that I honestly hadn’t remembered and suddenly my life feels like it is falling apart. I have no clue who I am anymore...I am struggling to get through each day and to stay grounded. I’m experiencing really awful flashbacks and nightmares and I’m just generally struggling to cope. I am now on medication and am having counselling but I just don’t feel like I can get any control over my life. The only thing that helps me to stay grounded and as if I have any control over my life is to push myself so hard it hurts when I exercise and also to feel hunger. I feel like I’m real if I hurt or am hungry. I’m restricting my food intake to 1 meal each day and have upped my exercise levels. This is helping me emotionally more than anything else I try.
I wouldn’t say I’m anorexic again because this time it’s a choice and I’m in control of it.
Is this a dangerous line to tread or can this strategy work as a temporary coping mechanism until I find another way to gain control. Right now pain and hunger is all that works...
Btw I am aware how deadly anorexia is and in no way mean to be disrespectful of those who suffer...ive been there and I honestly know the hell that it is... but honestly right now, death does not scare me at all. The only reason I am keeping going is for my children. I can’t really describe fully the mental pain I feel and hunger and pain are al that will help to make it stop....

[milleniumhandandprawn]

Hi honest,
I've not had an eating disorder per se - although have had bouts of disordered eating through the years.
However I did self harm when I was a teenager, and now that I'm much older (40's) I know that whenever I've had had times through the years it's been so so tempting to just do a "little bit".

For me, it's a much more instantly visible thing, and it's the shame of discovery that's stopped me.
I can't say if it was invisible in the moment - like missing a meal - that I wouldn't have done it.

Self harming for me was a way of making the intangible, tangible and focusing general mental pain and anxiety into a laser beam of actual hurt. I know it would still work for me that way too. As someone said up thread - it's like an alcoholic having little drinks.

I also know that none of this is healthy...
however I wanted you to know that that you wouldn't be alone in this sort of recurring thought patterns/strategies.

[somewhereovertherainbowbridge]

Hi op,

Sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having.

I can't comment on the anorexia side of your post but I can say that about four years ago I had sudden memories of being sexually abused in childhood by a close family member.

It was a living hell land was exactly as you describe; constant flashbacks and not wanting to live with what had happened. This was compounded by the agony of having forgotten and therefore not being certain that any of it had happened.

I went to counselling for three years and can honestly say I am fine now. I moved through the different stages of therapy and processed the trauma. There is life on the other side of this, I promise, and there are people who do understand.

[FreiasBathtub]

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I've not experienced eating disorders but have been living with depression for many, many years now. It comes and goes. There is no worse feeling than the fear that comes with 'I'm back here again', but remember - you made it out before. Each time you climb out, it gets easier. It's like a muscle memory.

Talk to your therapist. Tell her that you were scared to tell her, and tell her why. All of this is stuff that you can explore with her and will help you build new ways of coping when life gets hard. Just like exercise, it's painful to do and you have to practice, keep building up - but it will strengthen you so that you can start to use those coping muscles without it hurting so hard.

[Aria2015]

@Honestadviceneeded sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I'm a former anorexic too and I understand your urge to fall back on controlling your food intake to cope with a stressful and upsetting time. I think if you're honest with yourself though, you know that while you might be 'in control' now, how easy it is to lose that control and for the eating disorder to control you. It's a gradual thing and it creeps up on you. You've already lost 18 years to it, don't lose any more.

You're eating disorder is just a way of distracting yourself from facing up to your current stressful situation but sometimes, as hard as it is, you've just got to face difficult times head on and feel all the hard feelings. Controlling your eating and over exercising will, in the end, just make your overall situation worse.

Hope things get easier for you soon.

[Honestadviceneeded]

Thank you all so much for understanding and for all of the support...and to hear that I’m not alone in experiencing this is really helpful...although it’s bitter sweet as I don’t want anyone else to feel like this.
@somewhereovertherainbowbridge I could write your post. I’m so so sorry you went through this too. It’s devastating. I’m so glad to hear you got through it and have moved on; that gives me hope.Thank you.

[Star8181]

[quote Honestadviceneeded]@Star8181 I really hope you find your way soon. Handholding in return x[/quote]
Thank you, I hope you find the strength to speak to your therapist at your next appointment, let us know how you get on. Take care of yourself.

[somewhereovertherainbowbridge]

@Honestadviceneeded

Thank you all so much for understanding and for all of the support...and to hear that I’m not alone in experiencing this is really helpful...although it’s bitter sweet as I don’t want anyone else to feel like this.
*@somewhereovertherainbowbridge* I could write your post. I’m so so sorry you went through this too. It’s devastating. I’m so glad to hear you got through it and have moved on; that gives me hope.Thank you.

I'm really so sorry you're going through this, it is a special kind of hell :(

I found support initially through a forum called Havoca, more for helping to understanding how my memories got fragmented than support for the abuse, as I found many of the stories there too triggering to read.

You're welcome to PM me if you ever want to chat to someone who has been through it. I have a RL friend who (sadly) had a similar experience (though was a boarding school teacher not a member of his family). It meant a lot for me to have someone in my life who understood.

[Honestadviceneeded]

@Star8181 thank you so much. I’ll update I here after my appointment. It’s on Wednesday.

@somewhereovertherainbowbridge thank you. I may take you up on that. I have looked at the Havoca forum and think it will be really helpful.

[Honestadviceneeded]

Just updating.
I spoke to my counsellor and explained what I was doing but again that I did feel like I was in control. We talked about how I felt when I could control my diet and about why I did it both this time and the last time. We talked about differences between this time and last time and she encouraged me to think about how I would know if I had crossed the line and to be mindful that I didn’t start to cause myself serious harm. We talked about and practised other coping strategies...and she promised me she wasn’t going to stop working with me because of this and said that she’s not going to give up on me.
I felt better about the appointment and also more able to be honest about everything related to my eating.

Xx

[Alternista]

Good update OP :) So glad you have someone you can be honest with about it all. Wishing you well x

[Star8181]

Well done, that all sounds really positive! Hopefully you can continue to be honest about how things are going with your therapist. I definitely find if I’m having a bit of a relapse, sharing it with my therapist will sometimes give me the jolt I need to get back on track. The more I keep it to myself, the worse it gets - definitely that secretive side to anorexia.
Keep going OP and good to hear an update.