To use my previous anorexia to cope for now.

[Honestadviceneeded]

Hi all.
Just after some insight/advice. I have always struggled with my mental health. I developed anorexia at age 14 and battled for 18 years, making what I would say is a full recovery when I finally had my daughter.
However, I have struggled with bouts of depression and panic attacks that are really impacting my life. Recently, a family death has triggered some past things that I honestly hadn’t remembered and suddenly my life feels like it is falling apart. I have no clue who I am anymore...I am struggling to get through each day and to stay grounded. I’m experiencing really awful flashbacks and nightmares and I’m just generally struggling to cope. I am now on medication and am having counselling but I just don’t feel like I can get any control over my life. The only thing that helps me to stay grounded and as if I have any control over my life is to push myself so hard it hurts when I exercise and also to feel hunger. I feel like I’m real if I hurt or am hungry. I’m restricting my food intake to 1 meal each day and have upped my exercise levels. This is helping me emotionally more than anything else I try.
I wouldn’t say I’m anorexic again because this time it’s a choice and I’m in control of it.
Is this a dangerous line to tread or can this strategy work as a temporary coping mechanism until I find another way to gain control. Right now pain and hunger is all that works...
Btw I am aware how deadly anorexia is and in no way mean to be disrespectful of those who suffer...ive been there and I honestly know the hell that it is... but honestly right now, death does not scare me at all. The only reason I am keeping going is for my children. I can’t really describe fully the mental pain I feel and hunger and pain are al that will help to make it stop....

[Star8181]

Well done, that all sounds really positive! Hopefully you can continue to be honest about how things are going with your therapist. I definitely find if I’m having a bit of a relapse, sharing it with my therapist will sometimes give me the jolt I need to get back on track. The more I keep it to myself, the worse it gets - definitely that secretive side to anorexia.
Keep going OP and good to hear an update.

[Alternista]

Good update OP :) So glad you have someone you can be honest with about it all. Wishing you well x

[Honestadviceneeded]

Just updating.
I spoke to my counsellor and explained what I was doing but again that I did feel like I was in control. We talked about how I felt when I could control my diet and about why I did it both this time and the last time. We talked about differences between this time and last time and she encouraged me to think about how I would know if I had crossed the line and to be mindful that I didn’t start to cause myself serious harm. We talked about and practised other coping strategies...and she promised me she wasn’t going to stop working with me because of this and said that she’s not going to give up on me.
I felt better about the appointment and also more able to be honest about everything related to my eating.

Xx

[Honestadviceneeded]

@Star8181 thank you so much. I’ll update I here after my appointment. It’s on Wednesday.

@somewhereovertherainbowbridge thank you. I may take you up on that. I have looked at the Havoca forum and think it will be really helpful.

[somewhereovertherainbowbridge]

@Honestadviceneeded

Thank you all so much for understanding and for all of the support...and to hear that I’m not alone in experiencing this is really helpful...although it’s bitter sweet as I don’t want anyone else to feel like this.
*@somewhereovertherainbowbridge* I could write your post. I’m so so sorry you went through this too. It’s devastating. I’m so glad to hear you got through it and have moved on; that gives me hope.Thank you.

I'm really so sorry you're going through this, it is a special kind of hell :(

I found support initially through a forum called Havoca, more for helping to understanding how my memories got fragmented than support for the abuse, as I found many of the stories there too triggering to read.

You're welcome to PM me if you ever want to chat to someone who has been through it. I have a RL friend who (sadly) had a similar experience (though was a boarding school teacher not a member of his family). It meant a lot for me to have someone in my life who understood.

[Star8181]

[quote Honestadviceneeded]@Star8181 I really hope you find your way soon. Handholding in return x[/quote]
Thank you, I hope you find the strength to speak to your therapist at your next appointment, let us know how you get on. Take care of yourself.

[Honestadviceneeded]

Thank you all so much for understanding and for all of the support...and to hear that I’m not alone in experiencing this is really helpful...although it’s bitter sweet as I don’t want anyone else to feel like this.
@somewhereovertherainbowbridge I could write your post. I’m so so sorry you went through this too. It’s devastating. I’m so glad to hear you got through it and have moved on; that gives me hope.Thank you.

[Aria2015]

@Honestadviceneeded sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I'm a former anorexic too and I understand your urge to fall back on controlling your food intake to cope with a stressful and upsetting time. I think if you're honest with yourself though, you know that while you might be 'in control' now, how easy it is to lose that control and for the eating disorder to control you. It's a gradual thing and it creeps up on you. You've already lost 18 years to it, don't lose any more.

You're eating disorder is just a way of distracting yourself from facing up to your current stressful situation but sometimes, as hard as it is, you've just got to face difficult times head on and feel all the hard feelings. Controlling your eating and over exercising will, in the end, just make your overall situation worse.

Hope things get easier for you soon.

[FreiasBathtub]

Oh OP, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I've not experienced eating disorders but have been living with depression for many, many years now. It comes and goes. There is no worse feeling than the fear that comes with 'I'm back here again', but remember - you made it out before. Each time you climb out, it gets easier. It's like a muscle memory.

Talk to your therapist. Tell her that you were scared to tell her, and tell her why. All of this is stuff that you can explore with her and will help you build new ways of coping when life gets hard. Just like exercise, it's painful to do and you have to practice, keep building up - but it will strengthen you so that you can start to use those coping muscles without it hurting so hard.

[somewhereovertherainbowbridge]

Hi op,

Sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having.

I can't comment on the anorexia side of your post but I can say that about four years ago I had sudden memories of being sexually abused in childhood by a close family member.

It was a living hell land was exactly as you describe; constant flashbacks and not wanting to live with what had happened. This was compounded by the agony of having forgotten and therefore not being certain that any of it had happened.

I went to counselling for three years and can honestly say I am fine now. I moved through the different stages of therapy and processed the trauma. There is life on the other side of this, I promise, and there are people who do understand.

[milleniumhandandprawn]

Hi honest,
I've not had an eating disorder per se - although have had bouts of disordered eating through the years.
However I did self harm when I was a teenager, and now that I'm much older (40's) I know that whenever I've had had times through the years it's been so so tempting to just do a "little bit".

For me, it's a much more instantly visible thing, and it's the shame of discovery that's stopped me.
I can't say if it was invisible in the moment - like missing a meal - that I wouldn't have done it.

Self harming for me was a way of making the intangible, tangible and focusing general mental pain and anxiety into a laser beam of actual hurt. I know it would still work for me that way too. As someone said up thread - it's like an alcoholic having little drinks.

I also know that none of this is healthy...
however I wanted you to know that that you wouldn't be alone in this sort of recurring thought patterns/strategies.

[Honestadviceneeded]

@Star8181 I really hope you find your way soon. Handholding in return x

[Honestadviceneeded]

@Alternista thank you!

@Thisisnotnormal69 I was really young at the time and actually believed him so I never complained. It wasn’t until I got older that I realised that what he said was wrong. I doubt he’s still practising now...he was quite close to retirement age when I saw him...I think...

My counsellor isn’t an ED specialist but does deal with EDs. She knows my history with anorexia and also the trauma (saying that word still feels odd) that I’m dealing with now. I need to work on trusting and so I think I need to tell her. Starting again with someone else feels a bit too much right now.

[PurpleDaisies]

You need help now.

Is the appointment next week with your general counsellor or an earring disorder specialist? You really need to talk to your doctor.

[Thisisnotnormal69]

I would also agree with others that I think your daughter will be noticing you not eating, however hard you try to hide it. They notice these things, and it will have a significant impact on her. I’m not saying that to be nasty at all, just to encourage you to get help as you plan on doing. That takes such strength

And your previous psychiatrist sounds like a piece of work. Did you report him for those comments/could you? Sorry if you’ve already said this. Wonder how many other young girls lives he has damaged further with his attitude

[Alternista]

So sorry lovely. I know it wasn’t what you hoped to hear.
I believe you can be well

[Honestadviceneeded]

Ok...this is all hard to take in...I’m really grateful for your honesty although I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear, I probably have heard what I needed to hear. Especially the last few comments. Thank you all for doing it so kindly.
My next appointment is next week, I will bring this up openly and honestly and take it from there. I did not ever want to be in this place again...

[Alternista]

You’re not using your previous anorexia. You’ve relapsed into anorexia again. Right now, today, you’re anorexic.

I’m so sorry, it’s a horrible illness. Please be honest with your counsellor and get help now, before you slide further into it.

[ArsumLardis]

this time it’s a choice and I’m in control of it

That's the little sweet song your mental illness (the ED) tells you. You're in control. This is fine. No reason to worry. I hope you find a way to resist that siren.

[Star8181]

@Honestadviceneeded

Hi *@Star8181* thank you so much. A handhold is very much appreciated. So sorry you’re in a bad place too; it’s just so hard, isn’t it!?
I have skirted around the issue a bit with my counsellor but have been nervous of revealing the full extent of my restrictions on food. I have been honest about exercise though. My psychiatrist previously told me that he didn’t like working with anorexics because they are dishonest and manipulative...and that puts me off telling her because I would hate for her not to want to work with me. I’m only just getting over the fear of her deciding against working with me and walking away. She’s a fantastic counsellor and I don’t know what I’d do without her at the moment and I don’t want to giver her a reason to drop me.

What an awful thing for a psychiatrist to say to someone with an eating disorder. Please try and be honest with your new counsellor, it’s really important to be honest so she can help. When is your next appointment?
I know that feeling of being terrified about your coping mechanism being taken away. I’m still trying to figure that one out...but I’m still here and surviving, so it must be possible.

[Doughnut100]

@Honestadviceneeded telling your counsellor won't remove the coping mechanism. Only you can do that. The fact you are so scared of having it removed shows you are not as in control as you claim. You need support in getting to a place where you can stop using it. Anorexia is vicious, I'm so sorry you're going through this but there is hope. It's similar to alcoholism in that many drinkers start drinking as a coping mechanism and then the drink becomes a bigger problem than the initial one. Good luck. X

[Honestadviceneeded]

You’re right @Doughnut100 but I don’t mean to be deceptive...I haven’t all out lied but I have hidden the full truth...which is lying...

I will try to bring it up with her in my next session...for some reason it feels like a really big risk...And I’m scared that by telling her, this coping mechanism will be taken away and I just won’t be able to cope anymore...

This is all such a mess.

[Doughnut100]

Sorry for your situation I do really feel for you. I have worked as a care assistant on two eating disorder inpatient units. I'm no expert but I'm no stranger to EDs.

Your old psychiatrist sounds horrible. However by being dishonest with your counsellor you are very slightly proving him right. And stopping your counsellor from being able to do her job in possession of the facts. She won't reject you because of this. Give her a chance she might be able to really help you.

You are not in control. People with all kind of addictions claim they are not addicted because they could stop any time. Until you actually have stopped that is just a fantasy.

Stop for your daughter. The behaviour you have just described with food I have witnessed a lot. It isn't as subtle as you think and children notice everything. Your daughter is absorbing this information.

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh in any of that. I really do sympathise and I wish you all the best. Please reach out to your counsellor and find a new coping strategy. X

[persheptions]

Nobody notices?

I'd notice.

Children notice everything.

Thinking you could stop and actually stopping are totally different.

[Honestadviceneeded]

Sorry, it wasn’t my counsellor who said anorexics are deceitful but a psychiatrist I saw when previously being treated for anorexia. I hated him... he used to threaten me to put on weight or he’d section me, telling me it was a spoilt little girl’s disease and he didn’t have time to have my blood on his hands.

My counsellor would never say anything like that... and I do think she is a good fit for me... I think it’s my own issues that prevent me from being completely truthful. I think what my psychiatrist said in the past still really stings and although logically I know he’s in the wrong...part of me thinks what if my counsellor thinks that too and is just too polite to say it.

It’s hard to describe how I feel in control... like I could stop restricting food at any time...it’s just that I don’t want to because that is what is getting me through...
Then I suppose writing that and reading it objectively....I can see it’s perhaps not the best idea.
My counsellor has given me so many alternatives but nothing seems to work like pain and starvation...
It’s all just such a mess... I don’t know how to get out of this...

And I totally see the point about my daughter. In fact it’s one of my absolute fears that she develops an E.D. I hide it SO carefully. I just put less on my plate, ouch it about and then when everyone is finished clear and scrape all the plates together and nobody notices. Also, although my weight is slowly dropping, my body looks no different.

Thank you for the replies... they are making me think.