My husband is having a breakdown

[gemsio]

Hi everyone,
I am a bit of mess and need some advice, recently my husband told me that he wasn't in love with me and wanted to leave me.
This was about four weeks ago, since he has slipped into a very deep depression.
He has not had any sort of history of this whereas I have, so know the signs all too well and I think he is heading for a major breakdown.
I have been trying to get him a doctor's appointment for tomorrow but they say the usual, call back on Monday.
He is at work now and says he has too much work to do and can't take any time off to see the doctor, but he still agrees he needs help.
He has been very low and teary every night this week, saying he wants to leave me but also saying he wants to see me and have dinner with me every night.
To be honest my marital problems are the last thing on my mind now, as I am so concerned about him.
we have two young children and I was called into school today saying my normally very quiet little girl had a major meltdown yesterday and was being aggressive and angry.
I don't know what to do, would an out of hours doctor see him for something like this? like 111. He is planning on going to his parents this weekend to get a bit of a break but I think he needs to be signed off work so he can have a proper rest and get his head together.
He is in utter despair and I am about at breaking point as I don't know what to do. Any advice would be welcome. thanks everyone.

[Dansak]

Oh no, poor you. Quiet time might be a good thing though, give you time to think everything through. Hope you feel better soon.

[ladylinda52]

[gemsio]

thanks guys feel better today, phew.
he came back today, he didn't go to the doctors.
Said he didn't really relax as his parents were pushing him on the subject of him leaving me, trying to do the whole tough love thing! yeah nice one. so he has come back feeling worse. why can't people just be supportive. grr. he says he is moving out tomorrow, as didn't want me to have to deal with the kids alone while I was poorly.

[Dansak]

Sorry his trip to his parents didn't work out but I'm glad he came back to help you.

Is he planning on going to his own gp instead?

How are you feeling about it all?

[gemsio]

I don't know whether he will go to the doctors or not, I suggested he see a fantastic doctor (who has a lot of experience in this field) at our GP'S, he just kind of grunted and then changed the subject.
I feel pretty low this evening, I think because I have had a rough few days being poorly on my own with the kids it just made me realise how it is going to be for me from now on, and it's scary. I am not sure I have the mental or physical strength for this, he is adamant he is leaving to live with his brother.
he says he wants to come and spend evenings with me and have dinner with me, but doesn't want to sleep here.
I am worried that if I say no it will have an effect on his mental state, but then I have to think about how I feel, I can't watch him leave every day it's just too hard.
It's a real tricky one. I feel like if he is going to leave I want him to go and let me get on with things, but then I don't want to abandon him, if that makes sense.x

[Dansak]

I don't think allowing him back every day like that would really help anyone. It would be living in a limbo situation and quite confusing for everyone.

I do understand about not wanting to upset him, but you do need to put yourself first, you can do that and still make it clear you're there for him and care, but until he faces up to his problems and sees a professional, you are limited in what you can do.

Disclaimer - this is just my take on the situation, obviously I don't know the ins and outs and I'm certainly no expert.

[gemsio]

you are right and I have told him he can't just flit in and out as he pleases, it's like he wants the family without any of the responsibility.
I can understand that as I feel like running away at times, (don't we all) the difference is that I can't I have two young children to look after they are 5 and 2.
I will make sure he knows I am here for him, but boundaries need to be set as like you say I can't live in limbo I have my health to consider and right now that's more important as I have to keep going for the kids.
I desperately don't want him to go, and I am so worried about him but like you say what can I do?
Thanks for your support Dansak, as always much appreciated.x

[gemsio]

He has gone now, feel like rubbish. He was just so matter of fact about it, packed his bags and shouted bye as he left the house, leaving me getting the kids ready for the school run.
I am trying not to dwell but can't stop crying.
He is in serious self preservation mode, saying that my depression over the years has driven him away.
I feel so annoyed that this demon that visits me every so often has cost me my marriage.
Just trying not to start going down myself, I am hoping this feeling is just sadness and not my depression creeping back.

[Dansak]

You are upset by the circumstances, as anyone would be, there is a reason for it, this doesn't mean that your depression is back.

Time for your own self preservation mode to kick in. This is all about you now, your life is in your hands, not his.

I hope you managed to sort out him seeing the children that is mutually beneficial, not just to him.

[gemsio]

Hi Dansak, Thankyou.
Had a difficult evening as I sat my five year old down and told her, her daddy had left. I did it in the most upbeat way I could think of, but she was deeply upset. Then guess who turns up at the door? I told him to go away as I had just told my DD he had left and then there he is! He was annoyed but I can't have him confusing her like that.
I have said he can come round at the weekend now, but not before. xx

[ladylinda52]

So sad for you, Gem. Hope it isn't too late to sort things out. Try to look after yourself and hold your little ones close. They will give you a reason to carry on each day

[Dansak]

Sorry your little girl was upset, it's a lot for everyone to process. Well done for sending him away, totally the right thing to do and will hopefully help him see what is actually happening now.

When he comes at the weekend, try and take some time to recharge your own batteries.

[gemsio]

Thankyou guys, it was difficult sending him away as I just felt so mean, cause he is still depressed himself.
But I am in no doubt that it was the right thing to do.
Both children just woke up, so we all lay down on my daughter's bed and looked up to the ceiling (she has glow stars) and pretended we were shooting star spotting, and my DD just said "it will all be alright mummy" it was one of those moments in life where you realise it will be alright.
I hope things work out between my DH and I and that he gets help, and I carry on feeling okay, but if it doesn't those babies are just frickin' amazing and us three will be fine.

[Dansak]

That is so sweet, what a grown up thing to come out with. Hold those words close Gem.

[gemsio]

Thankyou Dansak, you have been a great support the last week I really appreciate it.x

[ladylinda52]

Your own health and your babies' needs have to take priority just now, Gem. You can't make things right for your DH, hard as that seems. Hope the weekend goes as well as it can for you all .

[gemsio]

Thankyou Ladylinda, and I hope you have a nice weekend too.

[gemsio]

Woke up this morning as my DH stayed (on the sofa) last night. His phone alarm was going off and I went to switch it off and there was a message from a woman asking if he was awake? at 3.17am. I feel like such a damn fool!! have confronted him and he was very defensive and told me he WAS NOT HAVING AND AFFAIR emotional or otherwise, I feel so damn stupid!

[Dansak]

Oh Gem sorry to hear this, could explain a lot.

What do you feel, do you think there is more to it? Do you know who she is?

[ladylinda52]

Oh dear, Gem. Not what you were expecting at all. Wishing you strength to deal with whatever is ahead

[gemsio]

No wasn't expecting it at all, but like you say it explains a lot. he swears nothing is happening and that she is married with children and just a friend from work, but why would she be texting him in the middle of the night, and her number is in his phone under her initials not name, the whole thing is so shady.
I would love to believe him, and believe he has been confiding in a "friend" but I am not a fool, I feel so damn betrayed especially as I have been so bloody supportive of him even though I have felt I am slipping into depression myself.
I can't look at him, and as always he is carrying on like we didn't even have that have that conversation this morning.
What an utter fool I have been.

[Dansak]

You certainly haven't been a fool, you have just been loving and supportive. You need to work out now what the plan is going forward and look after yourself. You and your children are the most important, not him.

[gemsio]

Yep, you are so right. I am moving forward for me and the children. We have just been talking and he still denies it, says he has been getting support from numerous people from work bla bla bla.
I am done, I will support him so he is healthy for the children's sake, but he certainly isn't my priority anymore. xx

[Dansak]

Keep strong gem, it will all work out in the end, one way or the other.

[gemsio]

Thankyou so much again. x