My husband is having a breakdown

[gemsio]

Hi everyone,
I am a bit of mess and need some advice, recently my husband told me that he wasn't in love with me and wanted to leave me.
This was about four weeks ago, since he has slipped into a very deep depression.
He has not had any sort of history of this whereas I have, so know the signs all too well and I think he is heading for a major breakdown.
I have been trying to get him a doctor's appointment for tomorrow but they say the usual, call back on Monday.
He is at work now and says he has too much work to do and can't take any time off to see the doctor, but he still agrees he needs help.
He has been very low and teary every night this week, saying he wants to leave me but also saying he wants to see me and have dinner with me every night.
To be honest my marital problems are the last thing on my mind now, as I am so concerned about him.
we have two young children and I was called into school today saying my normally very quiet little girl had a major meltdown yesterday and was being aggressive and angry.
I don't know what to do, would an out of hours doctor see him for something like this? like 111. He is planning on going to his parents this weekend to get a bit of a break but I think he needs to be signed off work so he can have a proper rest and get his head together.
He is in utter despair and I am about at breaking point as I don't know what to do. Any advice would be welcome. thanks everyone.

[gemsio]

Thanks ladylinda, it certainly has gone down quickly.
He went from being tearful, to just being plain nasty to me, which is just not him at all. it's difficult to watch really, but going to enjoy half term the best I can with the kids and see what next weekend brings. x

[ladylinda52]

So sorry that it has come to this, Gem.

[gemsio]

What a horrible weekend, DH has been breaking promises to the kids the whole weekend, being bad tempered with me.
Sometimes he looks at me and you just see utter hatred for me, its horrible.
Have now told him that exact times and "activities" need to be set for him to see the kids, and I do want to be involved in them.
I don't know what is happening to him, he just isn't the man I married, and the more time goes on I am relieved by Sunday night, so I don't have to bother with him for another week.
I feel so lonely though, after the initial break up where everyone rallied round, I have kind of just been left to it now and I feel so alone.

[gemsio]

No it isn't suitable for the kids to see him at his brothers as he has just moved house and is renovating. plus his brothers Mrs is not a fan of children, so she wouldn't allow it. we are working with what we have at the moment, and all we can do is spend weekends together so the kids can see him. They only ever saw him at the weekends anyway due to him working far away he was always up and out before they got up and in bed before he got home. so not much has changed for them as promised.
Yes he is definitely depressed, I have been depressed on and off for many years and have still been functional, I just hid it from him really, I just dealt with it and it was never really discussed. He spends time with the kids and we put on a good front for them, bit I can see he is struggling.

[PotteringAlong]

I'm not sure that your happy family weekends will be helping the kids either - does it not mean daddy just leaves again every Sunday? Could he not see them at his brothers?

[NanaNina]

I can see why you're confused Gemsio - it's a very peculiar situation isn't it and very confusing! Could his brother throw any light on the situation? I find it hard to believe that he's having an affair tbh emotional or otherwise. Maybe it is just someone he's been talking to at work. Is he still going to work?

Has he been supportive to you in the past when you've been suffering bouts of depression. If so it seems strange that he is now using this as a reason for wanting to separate. Are you sure he's depressed as you say that when he comes over at weekends he has fun with the kids and you've had a lovely weekend as a "family" - would he be able to function like this if he was depressed.

Sorry I'm just asking Qs - I'm as confused as you!

[gemsio]

Hi Nana, thanks for your response.
Well to start with his parents were trying to encourage him to stay then they changed their minds after speaking to him and suggested we both needed space.
The one thing I have always said with my DH is that I could trust him with my life, and I have never suspected an affair ever.
He says this woman is a friend from work, and he has always been loyal. I explained to him that even if an affair hadn't happened emotional or otherwise.
A woman texting a man at that time in the morning was not appropriate.
I don't know if something is going on, but I'm not stupid the whole thing is so cliché.
He is definitely staying with his brother, I did think to check this out as like you are obviously thinking I thought maybe he was staying with this woman.
He rings me every night to see how my day has gone, I don't always answer.
I am sorting my finances out for me and the kids and until then he is paying the bills (well most of them) so getting there slowly.
Originally he said he wanted to leave just to sleep at his brothers and that he wanted to come over every night to have dinner with me. I said no to this, as I couldn't bare to watch him leave again and again.
So now he just comes over at the weekends to see the kids, and during that time we are just normal, even having fun.
He says he misses our conversations and friendship. but I have friends I don't need another one, I need my husband.
It's like he wants the family but not the marriage.
I do feel like I have turned my back on him while going into self preservation mode.
He asked me to book him in with our doctor who is fantastic with mental health issues, she is incredibly supportive, so I hope he gets some help as he is clearly depressed.
I don't know what's happening really, I am so lonely during the week but then the weekend comes and I carry on for the kids but by Sunday night when he leaves again I just feel sad as we usually have had a lovely weekend as a "family."
I don't know what to think, if he has got another woman he has every opportunity to confess to me, I wasn't confrontational I was very calm when I asked him.
I have been feeling like I am no longer in love him recently and I confessed this to him, I don't know how I feel really.
I feel betrayed, but I don't know if I have anything to feel betrayed about. I feel lonely, but don't want him here, I feel angry with him for not being able to deal with my bouts of depression, but understand how difficult it must be.
I am just so confused at the moment.

[NanaNina]

Hi Gemsio sorry for some reason your thread wasn't coming up on my "I'm on" if that makes sense. So sorry to hear that your situation has worsened. It all sounds a bit strange to me (as I know it does to you) H seems to have waltzed out of the door the way they do in films on the TV! Can you check if he is staying with his brother as he said? What arrangements have you made about finance/accommodation - he surely must be supporting you and the children financially.

I must admit that whenever a man suddenly says he's leaving I automatically think it usually means there's another woman, and it sounds like he was using the excuse of your psychiatric history to try to absolve himself from guilt. But somehow this doesn't add up to me because of his depression - and you know the signs of depression well enough so must be convinced that he IS depressed. How do you form/maintain a new r/ship if you're depressed.....have you had any reason to suspect he was having an affair in the recent past I wonder. Just seems to have all come "out of the blue" and what sort of woman phones at 3.17a.m??!

When you say his parents were talking about him leaving you - did you mean they were encouraging him to do so or the other way around. Sorry for so many questions, and please don't feel you need to answer - just trying to get a bit of a handle on this. Surely you need to know where he's living, to forward post etc. and contact him in an emergency if you can't get him on the phone.

FWIW my guess is that he will be back soon, just as though nothing has happened, but how you react of course is another matter. He seems to have betrayed you when you were doing your best to support him. Please take care of yourself and your DD sounds wonderful, and I'm sure DS is too, but as you say terrible 2 is a tricky time.

Hope you have some RL support x

[Gatehouse77]

I have been through similar with my DH. In the end I told him that I was taking charge - I took him to the Dr's and I did the talking at first. I have to say, I physically saw his shoulders lift with the weight being taken from him on the decision making. We'd been muddling through for a while but it was clear that we needed outside help. He'd had suicidal thoughts, had considered killing us and then himself and was struggling at work (but not with his work, iykwim).

You must take some time for yourself too. It's easy to get swallowed up by all this on top of being a mum, etc.

[Dansak]

Hmm he can't pick and choose when he wants you in his life, but, its good that he is finally going.

Enjoy your day tomorrow, get the rest of the week booked up to!

[gemsio]

He says it's 'cause he doesn't get time when he is at work, and his lunch break lands over the same hour that the surgery is closed for lunch too, which makes sense I suppose. But still... had a difficult day with my DS (terrible twos), so am exhausted mentally.
But have a busy day tomorrow and evening so am looking forward to it.x

[Dansak]

It does seem weird. Why couldn't he make his own appt? It's not really your responsibility to run round after him.

Make some plans for tomorrow, being stuck in again won't be good. Need to keep busy!

[gemsio]

He asked me to make him a doctor's appointment, so I made him one today and text him the details. so at least he is seeing the doctor even though I hate him right now. feeling quite low and lonely today, probably something to do with the weather being so bloody awful and I am stuck inside with my DS all day.
I just keep thinking of him at work with this woman he may or may not be having "something" with. while I am making bloody doctors appointments for him. The whole thing just seems so wierd.

[gemsio]

Thankyou Ladylinda, I appreciate your support. He was here today to see the kids but went just after the kids went to bed. So have had a nice chill this evening. Feel pretty mad but okay, my little girl is in a dance show next weekend so we have had fun this evening with her trying on her tutu, so it's a good distraction at the moment. xx

[ladylinda52]

As Dansak says. Keep posting here, and hold your children tight.

[gemsio]

Thankyou so much again. x

[Dansak]

Keep strong gem, it will all work out in the end, one way or the other.

[gemsio]

Yep, you are so right. I am moving forward for me and the children. We have just been talking and he still denies it, says he has been getting support from numerous people from work bla bla bla.
I am done, I will support him so he is healthy for the children's sake, but he certainly isn't my priority anymore. xx

[Dansak]

You certainly haven't been a fool, you have just been loving and supportive. You need to work out now what the plan is going forward and look after yourself. You and your children are the most important, not him.

[gemsio]

No wasn't expecting it at all, but like you say it explains a lot. he swears nothing is happening and that she is married with children and just a friend from work, but why would she be texting him in the middle of the night, and her number is in his phone under her initials not name, the whole thing is so shady.
I would love to believe him, and believe he has been confiding in a "friend" but I am not a fool, I feel so damn betrayed especially as I have been so bloody supportive of him even though I have felt I am slipping into depression myself.
I can't look at him, and as always he is carrying on like we didn't even have that have that conversation this morning.
What an utter fool I have been.

[ladylinda52]

Oh dear, Gem. Not what you were expecting at all. Wishing you strength to deal with whatever is ahead

[Dansak]

Oh Gem sorry to hear this, could explain a lot.

What do you feel, do you think there is more to it? Do you know who she is?

[gemsio]

Woke up this morning as my DH stayed (on the sofa) last night. His phone alarm was going off and I went to switch it off and there was a message from a woman asking if he was awake? at 3.17am. I feel like such a damn fool!! have confronted him and he was very defensive and told me he WAS NOT HAVING AND AFFAIR emotional or otherwise, I feel so damn stupid!

[gemsio]

Thankyou Ladylinda, and I hope you have a nice weekend too.

[ladylinda52]

Your own health and your babies' needs have to take priority just now, Gem. You can't make things right for your DH, hard as that seems. Hope the weekend goes as well as it can for you all .