Stopping meds

[GracieLoo]

It's just sort of happened, I was reducing them, then missed a couple as was getting different advice from psych, GP and care co ordinator. I haven't managed to get to GP but was told my prescription would be waiting for me at chemist to carry on at 75 ml.

I went to pick it up and was told it wasn't there. So I phoned GP and the receptionist said I could get an appt til after Xmas, but she'd do a week script for me to collect and made an appt for beg of January. She sounded arsey like usual and hung up abruptly.

So I agreed then afterwards realised this still left me without over Xmas . I'm scared to ring GP back and scared to ring care co ordinator as she'll think I've messed it up and I don't want to keep bothering her. Also I really don't want to be on them anyway so why go to all this hassle, plus a couple of people have commented I've lost weight, and I think it's due to lower dosage.

I don't know if the chemist, surgery and cc will communicate and realise I've not picked it up, or do I admit the truth and know they'll be cross with me. Feel I have no control over anything anymore.

[GracieLoo]

I don't know, nothing, got to go to a meeting at work after tea and take dd with me which I'm stressing about as she'll prob fall asleep in the car. So that's all I can think about, I might just wrap presents when I get back. Fighting back the tears as friends are due any moment. Hate being like this.

[GracieLoo]

Think I'm getting more and more anxious. I don't know if I can stand it anymore! Just keep thinking omg another year is starting and I'm dreading it. Can't struggle like I have done this year. I panic over the hols too that I won't be able to get hold of the professionals, but then I worry im too reliant on them. Starting to realise maybe I'm not quite right, but worried others can't see it as I function with daily things, even if I do find it hard, I know I have to look after dd. But I don't think I'm doing enough xmassy stuff with her, or playing with her enough.

My minds racing with thoughts, some bad ones but a small voice is saying ignore them, but I wish that voice would go away so I can stop struggling like this!

[amillionyears]

I dont think you need to worry about how you are looking after DD.
You have been posting on here for a while now, and from what I can tell, you look after her very well.

Have the professionals given you details about how and when you can get hold of them over the holidays?

[GracieLoo]

I'm not enjoying anything I should be enjoying. Feel bad for anyone around me, that's if they notice. Scared and fed up. Found myself googling what I could od on last night.

[happygolucky0]

Maybe a silly question Gracieloo but do you tell the doctor how you feel? I would of thought they can up your medication or change it to help your situation. They have done for a friend of mine.

Maybe you could or to a church service with dd or go out and see some of the xmas lights on the houses. Bake something. Make some play dough or something. You usually know at that age if you are paying them enough attention as they dont leave you alone!!
Do you have much support at work from people?

[GracieLoo]

I haven't felt this bad for a while. Was prescribed diazepam, might take one. So tense, shaky and can't think straight. It's my fault I'm a mess and I feel bad dd has me as a mum.

[amillionyears]

Are you supposed to be on diazepam regularly?
If you are prescribed it, then yes, sounds like you should take it.

[GracieLoo]

I didn't take it, was prescribed it but scared to. Finally got to sleep last night, when I woke, for a second I felt ok, then all the thoughts and pain came rushing back. I took dd downstairs, put her infront of tv with a drink and banana, then came back to bed. I now do not want to move. The thought of making cup of tea, then getting us both ready is too much. And I've got to work later, how can I do this?!

[GracieLoo]

Sod it I don't even care anymore, no point reaching out for support. Really had enough

[amillionyears]

GracieLoo,why didnt you take it?
Can you take it now?
What time have you got to go to work?

[amillionyears]

And have you eaten anything today yourself?

[amillionyears]

DD is ok.
We need to fix you.

[GracieLoo]

I'm not supposed to take it if I'm going to drive but think I will anyway. I did have breakfast to see if that helped. Going to see if I can take dd to my mums earlier as have quick appt with sw and know I'm going to break down.

[amillionyears]

Can someone else drive you?
Or get a bus or taxi just this once?
That way you can still take the pill. If you take a pill, then drive, that is potentially dangerous to you and others.

[happygolucky0]

Gracie the meds will make you really tired at first as have the same myself, but after a few weeks they will do their job of reducing your anxiousness and hopefully relax you if you can try and stick with it. Try not to be scared... you are so like my friend I have at work you two could be twins lol!!!
Re the driving is there any chance you could use public transport. I know its a pain in the behind but if you can take the diazepam it should help. (it seems to be helping friend at work at the mo). Try and get yourself chilled and in good spirts for xmas..
Try not to drive with your little one in the car hun ..... not until you get use to the dose at least and feel more stable. pleasssssssssseee
Do well, stay strong and try and have a good day

[GracieLoo]

In response to an earlier question, I do tell the professionals everything, that's why it's so frustrating. Maybe I'm not always honest about if I forget the tablets. I don't know why I do that. Sw is coming here, I just have to drive to work later, I would never risk it with dd in the car.

[amillionyears]

You need to try and take what you are prescribed correctly. The correct dose at the correct time.

You are important too. Is there any way you can get to and from work without having to drive yourself?

[happygolucky0]

ok Gracie well done on not taking dd in the car while feeling the effects of the diazepam.
What has the doctor prescribed you Gracie? And how often are you to take them?
Maybe you could come on here and try and keep a note when you have taken one/them to try and help you remember to keep up with it.

[GracieLoo]

Had a long chat with sw yesterday. She said she's concerned enough that I'll have to do a parenting course or she'll have to involve social services. That's my biggest fear. She said she know dd is fine and I'm a good mum, but she says I need support before it gets so bad it will affect me and dd. Kind of get what she's saying, as I worry when I feel distant, or feel I don't love dd and I'm a complete failure. She said she doesn't want me to still be like this when I'm 40/50, in and out of hospital, so issues need to be addresses now.

Tried to have a nice day just me and dd, was a bit up and down but getting through it. Nearly over, just teatime which can be a battle when I can lose it (as in me hiding away crying in frustration).

I'm trying, maybe not enough, but wish it wasn't so hard. Already taken a dip, by buying a bottle of wine that I'm craving for this eve to numb this pain! Wish I was normal.

[amillionyears]

Do the parenting course.
Agree that you need support,they may have some answers for you.

I do think you may have issues that need addressing. Again, I dont know what they are, but the sw does seem to have some ideas.
What do you think of the sw? Is she one you have seen before?

tbh, I see it all as a positive. But I do not know how things work.

[amillionyears]

Try not to drink the wine. Easy for me to say I know.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Gracie - as someone who has just had a massive dip from mucking about with my meds, please take the diazepam that you've been prescribed. They will really, really help.

I sympathise totally with how you are feeling, but you need some help to get through this rough patch.

[GracieLoo]

Ok, it's more the venlafaxine I muck about with but determined to sort it out. Some stupid part of my brain gets in the way sometimes. So glad today is nearly over, but then there's going to more days like this over the next two wks :-(

It's the same sw I've had for a while, I know I've just got to listen and do whatever they say

[GracieLoo]

happy thanks for the meds suggestion, I do need to do something to remind myself to take it. Too tired to concentrate on anything but too agitated to sleep! Feelings of guilt over dd tonight, hate being the way I am, want to go get her and cuddle her in my bed to try make everything ok.

[happygolucky0]

Hope you are doing ok Gracie parenting course sounds good. I did one over the telephone a few years ago. Really helped me at the time.
How is the diazepam? Wont that help you sleep? Are you worried about not being alert enough to see to you dd? Just make sure everything is made safe which I am sure you do. Put some art stuff or something for her to play with in the kitchen ,before you go to sleep and if she is going to be awake before you she will just play and be fine. Set some alarm clocks or something.I am just going on now !!