Should we have a 3rd

[Mamadramma]

Hey all

Just looking for some perspectives especially from the more mature parents. And P.s I know you can't make the choice for me, I just need perspectives 😊

So here the circumstances Me and Partner (15years) both 34 have children DS and DD 11 and 9 and were considering have a 3rd. We've gone back and forth over this for a while but more recently began taking the thought more seriously.

But we are just so damn unsure! Realistically we no reason at all it's just this desire.

Logic tell us no because:

1. financial we're okay-ish but just still that uncertainty and mat leave and nursery fees 😭 survival rate 0 but we could possibly manage.

1. Being older parents going from we'll have adult child in our 40s to we'll have an infant. Super scary.

1. The age gap between our children. They'd love a another siblings they've asked for years.

So what's 3rd child life like?
Have any of you ever been in our position? Do you regret the choice you made?

Also this is a judgment free zone! We listen and we don't Judge!!

Thank you x

Do you really want to go back to the baby stage? You won’t be able to do the same things with them if you have a baby and they won’t want to do the toddler stuff. You have two nearly teenage children. With all due respect, they aren’t going to pay much attention to a baby. Secondary school, friends and activities will take up all their time. So what they want, or say they want, doesn’t matter.the questions are: can you afford a third baby ? Eg bigger car, nursery fees, more shoes. Are you prepared for how a baby will change your lives? In ten years both DC will be off your hands. Do you want to still be with a 10 year old? There is more to life than constantly repeating the baby stage.

You have two nearly teenage children, why an earth would you want to go back to the baby stage? Youll struggle on days out no teen wants to be doing baby things and most teen things you cant take a baby to do.

My perspective would be that with your older ones being 11 and 9 I'd have thought you'd want to embrace this stage and not go back to the baby years. I don't know what things you enjoy doing as a family but I'd expect them to be more difficult with a toddler to fit in.

If you're going to do it, do it now. I had a 15 year age gap, and it really wasnt fair on the eldest, having a newborn in the house and distracted parents at GCSE time. As it is, COVID hit anyway, so she didn't sit them, but it definitely wasn't the best timing family wise looking back.

Be prepared to lose a bit of the closeness you have with the eldest ones. You only have so many hands and hours in the day, and the newborn physically needs you, so they get priority.

Family days out aren't really a thing any more- it's okay when they're tiny and just bundle along, but what a 3 year old wants and a 15 year old wants don't match up at all.

But do enjoy the parenting side of it more- it's lovely to see it from the perspective of knowing that you've done okay, as you've got happy, healthy kids already, so you give yourself a bit more leeway. And you've seen how fast time goes, so you really do lean into it more.

I personally wouldn't go back again, but one thing that would definitely impact my decision is if there are friends and others around you at that same stage. If all of your friends currently have 10 year olds, you having a little one can feel very lonely- they'll just be getting to the stage of a bit more freedom, nights out start again, talking about adult days out etc, while you will be knee deep in the baby stage. If you have friends with similar kids ages, it really eases things.

I would not. Unless you would also like a 4th. We have a slightly smaller gap between DC2 and DC3.
DC1 and 2 have long since left for university and work and we have DC3 at home with us midway through secondary school. We are a bit older than you, and we all adore DC3 but I do wish they had someone else around the house for their benefit. We try not to be boring but sometimes it must be. Holidays are different for them, we usually bring a friend now.

And from our point of view it will be a long time until we are financially free of university support, we are locked into school holidays for some time yet, and can see parents of DC1 and 2 friends embracing their spare time / cash while we are far from that.

Go for it ! We did and I wish we did it sooner so I could have had a 4th . If you are feeling the urge it won’t simply go away . I tried it it won’t work .

Oh and I should had our kids are much older 23, 18 , 9 and 3 . All the kids get along amazingly and yes we still take holidays together and it works . No kid was left feeling upset , all very excited

Too many different priorities no doubt a baby would be amazing but a baby and teenagers? I think focus on the two you have

My best friend is your prospective 3rd child. Her siblings 10 years older, just started secondary school when she was born. She says she felt like an only child as they were so much older.
In your shoes, I’d say no and hope to be a young grandparent.

Had my 3rd last year but without such a big age gap (currently 3 years between each of them). Almost 34 now and DH almost 39

I definitely feel more tired at 34 than I did having a newborn at 27

Financial side- you’d be entitled to more help with nursery costs and you could start saving for maternity now so it would be less of a financial strain when it comes

my DH is older than me but said if it happened again he wouldn’t want it to happen after he was 40 as didn’t want to be too old

For me, three is chaos and I’ve definitely found it harder going from 2-3 than 1-2 but all of mine are under 7. But it’s chaotic and I wouldn’t change it for the world

as other people have said the age gap is hard to find activities for. We struggle for things for the 7 year old that will keep the 3 year old entertained and vice versa

we had so much debate on a third for pretty much the same reasons you have but don’t regret our little surprise one bit (we still hadn’t decided and had an accident 🤣)

I also have a younger sister who is 19 years younger than me 😂 but because i was much older I was able to take her out

We nearly did and thank god we didn’t because teenage years are hard - DD is going GCSEs and my god the level of attention she needs is high! She is on study leave so around a lot!
It is something to think about

No. This is a selfish thought. It won't enhance the lives of your family as a whole to have a toddler when your older kids are trying to study for exams and do activities suitable to their age that they would like their parents to be involved and present in. Speaking from experience...

I think it's so unfair on the older kids, they say they want a sibling but they can't possibly understand what they're asking for.

My sister and I are 2 years apart, after 8 years my parents had another baby, we loved the idea but honestly it's been awful (I've never admitted this to my parents), youngest was pretty high needs so I just had to grow up fast and figure stuff out by myself. They couldn't even support much with grandchildren (my kids) because they still had a child at home sitting exams and needing support through the teenage years.

I can also see the same dynamic now in a friend who has similar age kids to you, they were ecstatic about the idea of a new baby, but now they are reaching the difficult tween/teen years and need so much support and to me it's glaringly obvious the youngest (now 3) is taking up all the focus and it's so sad to watch.

Our 3rd completed our family. The older 2 are at a lovely age to have a sibling and it will bring them a lot of joy. 34 is no where new at too old. Go for it!

You're just reaching a point where you can do such fun stuff with your other two but bringing a baby into the mix will upend that. It'll be like an only child with much older siblings.

First will live it, second less😂😂

maybe?

we can’t tell you…maybe the opposite will happen…

3rd completed our family too. She's slotted right in

No. Two is enough, trust me x

With that age gap The question I'd be asking is do we want a 3rd and 4th...
But that might just be me

I wouldn’t with those ages. Not because of the gap as such but because a new baby (and ongoing into toddlerhood) will demand so much of your attention at a time when both your DC are going through major transitions and will need you probably more than they do now.

I absolutely wouldn't in those circumstances. I've got three but they were much closer in age. Your older kids will be wanting to do completly different days out than a toddler. Why have to start putting nursery fees again, sleepless nights. By the time you're 40, your kids will be 17 and 15 and you will have more time to yourself but if you have another baby you'd have a 5 year old.

The way I see it is there are plus points to having children young (like you have) in the fact you are less tired, you have more freedom in your thirties and forties but have all the baby years out of the way BUT there are positives for having children later (although you are still fairly young!) in the fact you have more money, all the partying is behind you, established careers etc. But I can’t understand why people do both…

The only people I know who have done it is men who have had kids in their early twenties with girlfriends, then split up and start all over again in their late 30s with a new wife. Bonkers. It’s hard at any age, but I would either want kids young or old - not in both phases.

We had our 3rd when we were both 35. Only a 6yr age gap between him and the eldest.

He's an angel child and completed our family. However, now were both pushing 48 and all the running around for clubs, sleepovers, parties etc etc is starting to take its toll! Just as the older 2 are becoming far more independent, too. He has far more in the way of 'stuff' and sibling entertainment than the other 2 did, but, guilty, I'm not sure as parents we're as hands on with him as we were with his older siblings. Filling every moment doing child centric activities at the weekend, has lost it's shine. We're tired!

I love having a big family though and it has been the best decision for us. I'm very glad there wasn't more than a 4 year age gap between the 2nd and 3rd. It is a small enough age difference for them to find commonalities and share interests- just!

Honestly ? I’ve got a 3 and 4 year old and a surprise 7month old. I adore the baby it isn’t about ‘the baby’ just how the dynamics of 3 has tipped us over the edge that saying 1 is 1 , 2 is 2 and 3 is 300 is true. Outnumbered
if I had my time again I would stick at 2