We take peace in Europe for granted.
I was caught up in a bombing by the IRA.
It caused me to do a lot of soul searching in my life to try to understand nationalism and why people turn to violence.
I took time to go to NI and try and make some sense of it all.
What I found shocked me and the amount NI is forgotten in decision making in our country never fails to appal me. It does not leave me.
I have also visited Bosnia and Serbia several times as a result.
I have found it both sobering and enlightening.
Seeing the EU flag there was something that very much changed my mind about the EU and whilst I don't believe that it ended the conflict I do think it has helped to contribute towards peace in the longer time. A peace that is still extremely fragile and I have no doubt is being tested by recent pressure from migrants. I had a moment of being proud that flag was somehow MY flag and it meant something. Something more than just a those interfering French and Germans.
I feel British, but also European.
If there was one reason I voted to Remain above all else its been for this.
Then there was the death of Jo Cox. Which left me reeling in so, so many ways. It reinforced the way I felt.
Now that feels shattered.
All of it. I can't put into words why in a way that does it justice.
Grief probably. Mixed with despair and fear.
I have watched this campaign unfolding with horror.
The things I found most disturbing were the dismissal of the experts in the fact of outright lies and the 'glittering generalities' of promise of patriotism and empowerment. And the pre-emptive use of Godwin.
Its just something you can't reason or argue with no matter how much you try. Now that has been awaken, how do you stop it?
I didn't feel able to say any of this last week. Especially in the face of accusations of Project Fear. That makes it all the more troubling to me.
Of course with the undertones of it all - some of it overt, some of it causal and careless more than anything, mixed with a real sense of threat at times and that poster.
I am scared. Very very scared.