Extra Guest For Christmas

[HarrietSchulenberg]

I'm really torn on this one as my heart tells me to do one thing but my head tells me to the opposite.

Ds1 is a very unruly 17. We aren't having the best relationship at the moment as he is NEET, takes drugs and has been in trouble with the police. Nothing I say or do will make him look for work and he flatly refuses to go to college. Underneath it all I know he is extremely caring and very intelligent and when he eventually grows up he's going to be a pretty marvellous human, he just isn't mature enough to see that yet.

He has a friend who lives 20 miles away in supported living accommodation. This boy is the same age as ds1 and ds1 goes to visit most weekends, staying over from Friday till Monday. I don't particularly like this arrangement as I'm pretty sure they're spending the weekends off their heads, but the boy always seems polite when I speak with him and seems slightly more mature in attitude than ds1.

The dilemma is that the boy is due to spend Christmas alone as his family are leaving the country to visit relatives. The boy can't go with them as he has no passport and they won't pay for him. Ds1 is upset at the thought of friend being alone for Christmas and has asked if he can come to stay with us. On the one hand I want to say "Yes" as I don't like the thought of a teenager being alone but on the other hand it will alter the whole dynamic of what is often a fragile family occasion. There are 2 younger brothers who don't get on with ds1 and their dad, who doesn't live with us but will staying for Christmas, and is not terribly open to strangers (he's not really a people person).

Younger children are split as 1 says "Whatever" and the other says "No". Dad not been consulted yet.

WWYD, O wise women of MN?

Snowman41 I would assume that attitude would be the one sure way to keep the relationship going. Teens don't respond to having their friends chosen for them.

Well done OP. Absolutely the right thing to do for both your DS 1 and your family. (I could never leave a teen alone at Christmas it would ruin my Christmas thinking about him)

Teens don't respond to having their friends chosen for them.

No they don't, but where drugs are Involved o certainly wouldn't be facilitating the friendship

As both take drugs there's no way I'd say yes, especially as you have two younger sons there and an ex staying- sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
There must be a very good reason why friend is living in a hostel and his parents aren't including him in their Christmas.
How's he going to get to you? Are you expecting to have to ferry him around?
No, I certainly wouldn't invite him (and normally I'm very generous by the way, but not with drugs involved)

You are a good and kind person OP. Protect yourself by having contingency plans if it all goes wrong.

Will you be able to return the friend back to the supported living accommodation, if needs be. I think that you will have to stay pretty sober so that you can drive. Is there a clear timetable of when the visit ends and he goes back. Give him guidelines / house rules so he knows where he stands (eg in this house we do presents before lunch, we go for a walk in the afternoon and then we watch Strictly). Is it going to be you and five males? - I think that you need to try to ensure lots of outdoorsy, testosterone-releasing stuff!

There must be a very good reason why friend is living in a hostel and his parents aren't including him in their Christmas

Yeah and it's far more likely to be that the parents are abusive/neglectful than that the boy is awful.

Yes they do drugs together when they are socialising but they are hardly hardened crack addicts. No drugs in the house seems to work fine for the DS so why not for this kid too for 2 days?! Some of you have no heart.

Definitely let him stay Harriet, I was the 17 year-old your son currently is, thrown out of school, dossing around doing bugger-all and taking loads of drugs, and had a very similar situation with a friend who was estranged from her parents and was living at the top of a high-rise by herself. My Mother gave an emphatic 'NO' to her coming for Christmas and it did cause our relationship to fracture further, I moved out and my relationship with my parents really floundered for a few years.

It would be a lovely thing to invite him, with the provisos you've put in place.

(On a positive note, I went back to school,did really well in my A levels, got into an excellent university and sorted my shit out, as did my friend and we're both very respectable middle-aged women now. You'd never guess what horrors we were as teenagers, but, despite our bombast at the time I think both of us were struggling and wished we could have had a better relationship with our parents).

I do think it will strengthen your relationship with your son.

Good luck!

No drugs in the house seems to work fine for the DS so why not for this kid too for 2 days?! Some of you have no heart.** It's not about having no heart. I wouldn't have a no drugs in the house rule with my 17yo either. I would be doing my absolute everything to make it no drugs at all. Accepting that my 17yo went off for weekends at a time taking drugs just would not be happening.

So what would you do then Snowman? You say it wouldn't be happening, but what if it did? 17 year olds are nearly adults, you have very little control over them.

So what would you do then Snowman? You say it wouldn't be happening, but what if it did? 17 year olds are nearly adults, you have very little control over them.

There isn't really any need to challenge and ask what I would do. It's complex and obviously there is no quick fix answer. The point to my post is I would neither accept nor facilitate such a thing.