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Ethical dilemmas

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Original poster

AIBU friend inviting sister along

45 replies

Jenniferb21 · 09/02/2017 19:49

So this friend is a good friend who I really look forward to seeing as she lives 2 hours away. We're meeting for lunch and drinks tomorrow and I'm taking my DS (10 months old) along. It's been arranged for a couple of months and we always meet at the same place and have an amazing time.

She's just text me (we're meeting tomorrow) saying is it's ok if my sister tags along.

I felt rude saying no but I was really looking forward to catch up with her properly we normally have real heart to hearts I.e parents in law bitch sessions and the like/ weight issues etc. I feel like it won't be the same and I rarely get to do this sort of thing.

I know it's rude to say I mind but I'm annoyed she's ruined our girl date.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Kiroro · 13/02/2017 10:14

She did ask so you cna say no. But mighten it be nice to do a nice thing? And say yes? Her sister might be a bit lonely or whatever. Also maybe your friend doesn't always want an intense heart to heart.

SpermThroughASashWindow · 13/02/2017 10:21

Maybe her sister is going through a hard time and she has invited her along to cheer her up or get her out. It's just one occasion.

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 10:31

Sorry to add I always bring DS on our meet ups
Always, in this case, is less than 10 months though isn't it?
So not really always, just since you've had him.
Perhaps friend thinks the dynamics have already changed?

OverTheGardenGate · 13/02/2017 10:32

Amendment: Sorry, I missed the bit where you've only started doing it since DC was born. Not all that long really then.

Auntymildred · 13/02/2017 10:33

"taking advantage of this opportunity to spend time with two lovely people instead of just one"
^
this

Her sister might be awesome and you'll have a fantastic time. I know mine is entertaining to the point where we share quite a lot of friends - I'm almost lucky she lives away from us so I have friends of my own.

However your friend has been considerate and texted you to ask if it is ok she brings her, so YANBU if you are honest and say "no I really want some time catching up one-to-one". If you say it is fine to bring her but actually resent it then you can't really blame her: she has asked you for permission.

ReggaeShark · 13/02/2017 10:41

Have you already said you mind?

AnitaPallenbergsKnees · 13/02/2017 10:43

They sound quite negative topics that you talk about frankly, maybe your friend wants to bring her sister as the topics may be different.
She could be a really lovely person, give it a chance.

hutchblue · 13/02/2017 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Dinomum79 · 13/02/2017 11:19

I think you are right to say something . I would maybe be honest and say how much you enjoy catching up with her and suggest rescheduling to when she is free to meet up alone ?
Or it might also be a one of , just go along but next time maybe mention how important the catch ups are to you ? Xx

VivDeering · 13/02/2017 11:22

It's not a massive deal I just thought it was a bit silly to ask if I minded because who would say 'yes I mind'

Well, I think a lot of people would be authentic and say things like, "actually I was really looking forward to a catch up just the two of us" or "...to talk about a bit of a private problem". Why don't you say it's fine, but could you meet up just the two of you soon?

MommaGee · 13/02/2017 11:26

I'd say of course not it'll be lovely to catch up and take the chance of meeting a new friend!

My bf used to do this occasionally (we live closer so see each other more) but for her it's about not having lots of time and thinking she can spend time with two people she really likes. I now get on well with her DS and our kids get along (well, the DS's DD adores my toddler who's a vit ambivalent but give it two years...)

Notveryhappyvalley · 13/02/2017 11:43

My bf used to do this a lot and it used to annoy and upset me. Like you we lived apart and I missed our 1-1 catch ups. However, I realised that she was just a nice person who like to involve her friends in things particularly when they were feeling a bit down. She didn't realise it bothered me and actually once I understood what was behind it I wasn't so bothered anymore. I knew that she was actually very generous supporting her friends and if I really needed to see her 1-1 I could ask and she'd happily arrange it.

I think it was a bit of inferiority on my part worrying that she didn't want to see me 1-1 anymore. Once I got over that it wasn't a problem. It's only a one off and you don't know if her sister is going through something at the moment. Go and have a good time and get along with her sister and I'm sure your friendship will go from strength to strength.

LaVieEstBelle159 · 13/02/2017 12:32

I would say I hoped it was just going to be the two of us. Similar thing happened to me and when asked if a friend could bring along her friend on a shopping trip, I suggested that she go ahead and shop with her and that we would rearrange for another time (I didn't particularly like the friend whom I'd met on a couple of occasions). Friend got snotty and when I said I felt guilty for her, her response was "well YOU don't have to see her again "! But she has never invited said friend along with us since...result!

Sunnydaysrock · 13/02/2017 13:05

How was it op?

Original poster

Jenniferb21 · 13/02/2017 18:29

Hi thanks for asking. It was fine and her sister is lovely as expectedly (we have mutual friends too so I knew she'd be nice) we spoke mostly about my friend and her first pregnancy (she's v early and had loads of qs to ask) they both enjoyed cuddles with DS. She text me after saying her sister adores DS and sorry we didn't get a proper catch up but we'll have to meet up sooner than normal without DH's.

To answer a few other comments the reason turns out my friend was with her sister thurs and she asked what she was doing fri and she replied oh I need to go shopping so my friend thought she sort of had to invite her. But she said she was glad we got to meet.

So she felt the same way as me I guess we both had a nice time but are each other's soul mates and just need our time alone to vent and talk about what we usually do. She's the one friend I'm 100% myself around really we have fun but also are eachohers agony aunts really

Thanks everyone for your advice/ posts.

I'm glad I didn't say I minded. I wouldn't have only because I wouldn't have wanted my friend to have to disinvite her sister. We did have a nice time it was just different to normal.

OP posts:

user1487015199 · 13/02/2017 23:08

My friend does this invites people I don't know very annoying

Sunnydaysrock · 14/02/2017 08:15

Yeah it is good you didn't say you minded(though incredibly annoying at the time), would have created unnecessary tension for a situation that turned out ok! Your friend obviously values u as much as u her. Glad all ok x

Original poster

Jenniferb21 · 14/02/2017 08:44

Thanks v much xxx

OP posts:

reallyanotherone · 14/02/2017 08:50

They sound quite negative topics that you talk about frankly, maybe your friend wants to bring her sister as the topics may be different.

This. Maybe she doesn't want to spend her time with you listening to bitching and whinging, and being expected to do the same.

Glad it went well.

Chathamhouserules · 14/02/2017 11:22

You did the right thing. I would have been disappointed too But not said anything) as sometimes it good to have a good old vent to a friend. But sounds like it was nice, just different and your friend acknowledged that.

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