I want to know my adopted husband's (bio) family

[EllipticalEggs]

But he doesn't. He doesnt feel like they matter to him at all, he doesn't ponder they might be or have any desire to find them. I, on the other hand, spend quite a lot of time wondering who they are. It bothers me hugely that my son could walk past his grandmother, grandfather or aunt (because I know my husband has an older sister, other than his adoptive family) and not know them. When my son is naughty he looks like one of my older brothers and when he's scared he looks so much like my younger brother. This has made me even more keen to meet them, or at least try, because I don't think genetic inheritance is worth nothing. I understand if he doesn't want to meet them, though when we've talked about it he doesn't say that, just that he doesn't care either way and so is not prepared to make any effort toward it happening. I think that might be him covering a fear of rejection but can't say that to him without causing offence. Would it be wrong for me to ask him to meet with his adoption agency and get his file?

This thread is making me incredibly angry.

I'm not talking about having a a wonderful fairytale relationship, just a hello, this is who he grew up to be, he's ok, hope your life has been ok too - quite possibly in letter form.

What right would you have to write to them, especially to reassure them that he's had a good life and to hope that they are OK?

You obviously have no idea about the internal struggles that can go on after being adopted. You live with the knowledge that the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally gave you away. It's affected my relationships, my ability to be a good parent myself, and my self-esteem.

My adoptive parents told us that our parents 'loved us very much but couldn't take care of us'. As I said before, we were adopted due to neglect, being black and being the product of rape. It's all bullshit.

If your DP says he's not interested, listen to him.

I'm not talking about having a a wonderful fairytale relationship, just a hello, this is who he grew up to be, he's ok, hope your life has been ok too - quite possibly in letter form.

What right would you have to write to them, especially to reassure them that he's had a good life and to hope that they are OK?
As I said before, that is something I think about, it's something I feel like I might like to do. This is just a fantasy. For all I know it would dredge up horrible memories and ruin lives. It might also help somebody who thinks about the child they gave up a long time just to know that they are ok. I don't know, and like i said, it's just something I think about. I'm not taking any action on this.
You obviously have no idea about the internal struggles that can go on after being adopted. You live with the knowledge that the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally gave you away. It's affected my relationships, my ability to be a good parent myself, and my self-esteem.
No, I don't know! And I know that I don't know. But I'd really like to understand a bit more about it because my husband also has some issues with these things and some may well stem from issues with his adoption and I'd really like to be able to talk with him about a bit more from a not quite so ignorant perspective. Though the danger there is finding out some of how it is for others and coming across as a know it all when I know full well I can never really know what it's like.

My adoptive parents told us that our parents 'loved us very much but couldn't take care of us'. As I said before, we were adopted due to neglect, being black and being the product of rape. It's all bullshit.
That is awful, but what's the alternative? Should adoptees not be allowed to access their files at all? (I understand if this is too close for you and you don't want to discuss it but I would really like to hear your thoughts.)

If your DP says he's not interested, listen to him.
I will.

I have had the opposite dilemma. I have been researching my and dh's family trees on line and someone contacted me saying he was the ds of an illigitimate child (still living) of my deceased mil ie half brother to my dh. He provided a birth certificate that appeared to substantiate this. He wanted me to be go between between him and my dh. I spoke to my dh who was in shock as his dm had never spoken about this in her lifetime and as far as we know nobody in the family ever knew-all her family and contemporary friends are dead. my dh cant accept it and so I have let it drop. I feel sorry for the nephew who said his df (my dh's half brother) would like a photo of his mother but my dh wouldn't even agree to that. I haven't spoken to my dh about it for ages and he appears to have blocked it from his mind. I have been tempted to send a photo but I know its not my place to do so.
Perhaps it's not your place, but equally it is anybodys place to deny a man a photo of his mother? That's such a tough position to be in.

Why does it bother you massively that you can't know them?? They're nothing to bloody well do with you.
You sound really odd, actually

it bothers me massively that I can't know them It does bother me that I can't know, or even see a picture of my kids biological grandparents.

it certainly didnt bother me (it doesn't bother me now you've taken this out of context. I'm not having issues with him being adopted. Of course they're parts of the same thing, but they are different parts.

I think you need to start being more honest with yourself and see that you are being completely selfish and this desire is ALL about you. Just read back through your own posts and see how you have tried to lightly breeze through other people's concerns and contradict yourself in the process. I accept it would be really selfish to push him into it or nag about it all the time and that's just what I've not done. I've been really careful to avoid doing that. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to put him in a position where he might be more hurt than he already is. I reiterate, I'm not going to ask him to make contact.

It isn't curiosity in a philosophical sense, it's downright nosiness, without a moment's regard for the feelings of any of the people involved. Dont assume I have no regard for the people involved. This is my husband I'm talking about here. I do have curiosity in a philosophical sense, it's fair though to say it's been triggered by nosiness.

You're implying that blood is somehow thicker than water although I'm sure that's not your intention. That's a notion that's wholly rejected by people who are adopted and by adoptive parents. There is a world of hurt that comes from being rejected and you'd like your husband to open himself up to a possible second rejection because you think your son is entitled to his 'history' ? Biology can indeed be worth nothing. Non adoptive people don't need to map their genetic history, those with parents who die young don't need to map their genetic history. Why this pressure for adoptees to do so ?

It's so offensive that adopted people are told that they are weird for not wanting to know their biology or their genetic make up. There's a sense that xxx is adopted therefore they might have some sort of genetic flaw - it almost implies that that is why they was given up. That might not be what is meant but it's how it comes across.

It might also help somebody who thinks about the child they gave up a long time just to know that they are ok.

If he struggles with relationships, self-esteem etc then he's not actually OK, is he?

That is awful, but what's the alternative? Should adoptees not be allowed to access their files at all?

They should absolutely be able to access their files IF THEY WANT TO. Before I received mine I had to go to 3 counselling sessions where we talked about the pros/cons, whether I was ready for what it might show up, how to proceed making contact. If I'd arrived and said I wasn't interested but my other half was pestering me to do it I can't imagine they'd encourage me to proceed.

I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to put him in a position where he might be more hurt than he already is.

Case closed then. Drop it - if he decides down the line to proceed, then support him.

Would you risk your relationship for the sake of curiosity?

Perhaps there is a future in which you go ahead with your plan, he gets so hurt the nature of your relation with him breaks down and you wonder why you couldn't have simply kept quiet?

@PastoralCare can you spot the zombie 🧟‍♀️?

Sounds like your partners made his decision and you need to respect that as far as his concerned he has a family stop pushing for something he doesn't want

Jeez, You are as bad as that poster who done this to her Mother when she was asked not to.

IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE!

Look, I understand this desire. My mother was adopted and I think her children all wonder about her original family. As much as anything else, we'd love to know the story. And in my case, I'd quite like the health information.

But she never had any desire whatsoever to know anything about them. She felt very very strongly about this. Your DP clearly feels the same. You need to respect that and back away. To be honest, considering they aren't even your family I'm a bit surprised about how much space this takes up in your head.

Wow you are being massively unreasonable and, I believe, pretty selfish. Your dh's feelings and decision on this trumps yours every. Single. Time.

This is from 2016.

Fuching Zombie, I didn't even notice

When your son is older if he wants to look for these relatives he can do an ancestry DNA test and see if they pop up. It's not your business.

Yes it is wrong, it has nothing to do with you.

If your child decides when he is older he might want to know about them then that is a discussion between him and his father.

My ex used to try to make me contact my biological father and I found it so offensive he thought he could have an input in that

I'm with you husband on this one. I'm adopted and have been asked by my mum if I want to find out about my bio mum.

I'm in my 50's and have never had the desire to find out.

I dont think there is 1 poster who agrees with you OP and it seems like you don't care what your DH wants or about the advice you have recieved you still strangley believe you are correct.

zombie thread zombie thread zombie zombie zombie

Oh fuck I've been had

That's what happens with tired eyes lol

@Missey85

Sounds like your partners made his decision and you need to respect that as far as his concerned he has a family stop pushing for something he doesn't want

@Missey85

Why have you resurrected a thread from 2016 to say this?

What you are suggesting is so arrogant and disrespectful it's beyond belief. Since when does your nosiness trump his wish to not go through the trauma of seeking his birth family?

^This