My friends teenage son is stealing from me.

[ingestre]

I have an ethical dilemma where I cannot work out what to do. I have a couple who are good friends of mine, who have a teenage (16) son. Recently I've found out that he has been stealing from me.

I get on well with the boy in question, and have often asked him to feed my cats when I am away. Because of this he has a key to my house.

I noticed that money was going missing from a savings bottle I keep by my fireplace and set up a motion sensing camera to see what was happening (Might have been the cats ... you never know).

The bottom line is that I now have absolute proof that he is stealing from me. My estimate is about £400-£500 pounds over about 10-12 months.

Things I don't want to happen

a) The kids life is ruined
b) I lose my friends (They are good people)

Things I do want to happen

a) I want my money back
b) The kid realises at a very deep and emotional level that he has done the wrong thing.

Some background info....

1. I was warned by someone else to watch out for this kid - He had (apparantly) stolen from then before but they didn't have proof (I couldn't believe it at the time).

2. I don't have children myself.

3. The kid is trying to enter the marines - I attended his ceremonial entry into the cadets and have encouraged him whereever I can.

So.....What do I do. Police? Parents? A swift physical retribution (I'm angry right now....!) I could really do with your advice.

Hecsy said it much better than I did!

You've got to tell his parents. They need to know so they can keep an eye on him in the future, etc. they might also be interested to find out what he's spent the money on? If they're friends and they find out down the line that you didn't tell them they're going to be upset. You have proof, so they can't say you're accusing him for no reason, etc.

I wouldn't involve the police this time as he's a friends kid. If he's charged and gets a criminal record he won't get in the marines and will struggle to find a job, certainly one with any form of crb or background check.

I'd hate to think of hs life been fucked up for a stupid decision at such a young age. If he did it again I'd call the police. Get the key back and probably change the lock.

Is all your jewellery accounted for?

I think changing the locks and shunning him is not an option. Regardless of whether or not you want him to reform, this course of action is the worst as it allows him to get away with it, and ensures that he will do it again.

I am concerned that you were warned, which means he has done it before, and no-one is picking him up on it, so he has got away with it before.

I think you really have to be cruel to be kind in this case. It is only if he is brought up short that he is going to change.

Personally I think you have an obligation to tell his parents. I know you didn't want to ruin his life, so police is last option, but he has to hit some authority. I would ask to meet him and his parents, explain the situation calmly and ask for an immediate return of the money. Show them the tape.
He is unlikely to have the cash, so that will be up to his parents I think. I would nicely ask for them to bear the cost of replacing the locks too.

I think you have to make clear that if they are not prepared to take this seriously and to repay the money, then you will have to involve the police.

This i s a very serious matter. it is not £20, it is a lot of money of a period of time.

I would tell the parents...and their son asap.

I would go to the parents first without him being there. Teenagers are slippery when in the wrong. If you approach him first he may start an attack-as-form-of-defence line or start thinking up mad excuses/counter accusations before you speak to his parents.

It is a horrible situation, but if you ignore it you will never get your money back and your friends may be miffed with your sudden change of attitude towards their son.

You absolutely have to tell his parents and I would do it before you confront him . He is a thief and others have warned you he is a thief. He MUST be stopped.

I have had exactly the same thing happen . All caught on camera too. Went to his parents, who were very disappointing in their response, so I went to the police.

He will carry on if you don't deal with this . He is old enough to know how wrong he is.

I agree that as a parent I would want to know but in order to get him to accept responsibility for what he has done then I think you need to be the one to confront him and deal out a suitable punishment. Parents just don't have the same weight as other people.

I would speak to the parents alone and tell them and ask if you could have their support to deal with it and maybe agree an acceptable way with them. Otherwise he will not feel nearly as chastised if his parents discipline him.

How will he pay the money back?? He'll just steal from someone else.

I would tell his parents , they HAVE to know. He is a minor and they are responsible for him.

You say you don't want to ruin his life but IMO he's doing that himself . He has stolen before, so this isn't a one off silly mistake .

You need to tell his parents. Hissy is right.

But also, if he offers to pay you back, were is he going to get £400 from? His parents might pay you back and then make him work chores/withhold pocket money until he's paid it back, but few 16 year olds would have access to a lump sum like that at short notice without going via their parents. Basically, if he did turn up with £400, you've got to worry what extra trouble he's got himself in in order to aquire that money.

I would make the police be a last possible option if the parents don't deal with it - but that will make things harder for him in the future.

oh x post with Doinmummy - same thoughts!

I've been in exactly the same situation. The lad was given community service and had a tag fitted. He is still driving his car which his mother promised to sell to repay the money he stole. We still see him around and his arrogance is astounding. We thought he was a nice decent lad. We were very wrong.

If i were you i would confront him with the parents and the evidence. Create a united front with them. Give him a chance to explain his actions and come up with a solution.

What have you decided to do Op?

Lots of varied and some bizarre advice here.

If it were me, I would talk to his parents, let them know what had happened and that you didn't want to damage your friendship. Also change the lock. Then the ball is in their court and if they are responsible they will insist he apologizes, pays you back (probably initially with their money) and does what he needs to to make amends and reform his character. If they don't do this, then unfortunately your friendship will suffer. If they don't at least insist he starts paying you back, then I'd consider involving the police.

I think I would distance myself entirely from the boy as he has completely betrayed your trust - leave it to the parents to confront him and deal with the problem.

What did you do OP?

I was in a similar situation.
But didn't know the family, so went straight to the police.
Honestly - they're no way near as strict as you think. It might give him a scare, but chances are wouldn't come close to affecting anything with the marines. He probably wouldn't even get a record. Depends on his previous though, if any.

As far as things go with the police:

1. They will only assume the theft extends to what you captured on the video. We'd had approx. £100 go missing but only got a £10 theft on camera - that was what he was approached for.

1. When he had no record - the police told us that there was pretty much no point pressing charges as we wouldn't get anywhere. They said if we were happy with a letter of apology and the money repaid then they would issue a caution. If he refused any of the above criteria then they'd press charges.

1. We explained that we thought the theft was all down to a gambling problem and that ultimately we just wanted some help for him. And a promise he would never set foot on the premises again... The police were great and said they'd make sure the parents were informed (even though he wasn't a minor) and so they would not only bollock him royally but be there to support him should he open up about the gambling.

If there is a reason for the theft (gambling, drugs, bullying) then chances are he will he justified it in his head and unless (sounds like a cliché, I know) HE DECIDES he feels bad - you won't change him.