Page 5 | I’m not at that stage yet

user555999000 · 2026-04-01T19:35:05+00:00

Despite my mother having serious care needs, one of the main reasons she made everything so much more distressing and awful for herself and everyone involved, was her complete refusal to do anything to help herself or her situation. It drove me absolutely potty and the resentment about the pain and unnecessary trauma she caused me and my family by her selfish outlook I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from. One of her favourite phrases, which she would gleefully trot out when latest, horrendous crisis had been dealt with by me, was, ”I’m not at that stage yet” She’d almost smile when she said it to me. For example, after falling and smashing her face in and breaking her nose, she removed the riser things from her chair in the lounge that the OT had put on for her, and she refused a Careline service. Because she “wasn’t at that stage yet” After nearly a decade of my begging her to allow me to a cleaner or carer or handyman she only relented and gave in to a cleaner for 6 weeks. And then she ended up in permanent residential care. It is insane to me that the ONLY external help she would agree to was two hours of clean about a month before she ended up in a care home for good. My husband says her headstone should read, “Margaret Jones (not her real name) 85 years. Beloved mother, sister and wife. ‘Not at that stage yet’ “ That’s how bad the phrase became for us. Why do they do this? Why, when you suggest something that will help them, do they refuse all help, and trot out such infuriating statements. Anyone else experienced this?

worldsgonemadnow · 02/04/2026 20:04

user555999000 · 02/04/2026 12:28

So several people have questioned why I haven’t stepped back, or put in boundaries, or stopped facilitating her. And I understand why people who have not experienced long term, sole care for a person with brain disease, would ask this. I’ll give just a few examples to demonstrate. This is the tip of the iceberg.

Despite my mother doing very little in way of practical help or support of me during my adult life, the moment my dad passed away, she told me she was moving house to within a ten minute walk of mine. I’d just had my first child and she knew I had bought the house for the school near it. She knew I couldn’t move again. She didn’t ask me how I felt about her being within walking distance. She’s never bothered to come see me for years and years. Because she refused to drive. I always drove to her house. But now she was alone, she simply expected me to be her entertainment, personal assistant and replacement spouse. I felt dread when she told me she was moving. I orchestrated the entire move for her because despite all, I am warm natured, a fixer and I love her. My dad ‘s very last words to me were ‘look after your mum’ and they were fresh and ringing in my ears. The first week after moving, she turned up at my house several times, unannounced at really challenging times. If I suggested it was not a good time she’d guilt me. I was really up against it with my dad passing, a newborn, a toddler and my husband away with work. I gave in from sheer exhaustion.She would physically push her way in the house. I can’t restrain my own mother. Since then, as her brain disease has worsened, she’s still physically able to turn up at my front door. I’ve had her do this many times - sometimes with delirium and hallucinations, sometimes because she’s bored and wants me to entertain her, sometimes because she wants me to fix something for her. You can’t physically stop a person who refuses to respect your boundaries from turning up. Once, after many years, my entire family had to hide in the house as she banged the door down. I’d been told to put in boundaries and stop facilitating her. This resulted in her sitting in my plant pots, shouting and dragging neighbours into the picture. When someone causes you and your young children so much distress, on the spot, at that moment, I often had to allow her to bulldoze me to protect my own children from witnessing more horrific showdowns. And you have a split second under pressure to decided during these moments which way to jump. You don’t get the chance to quietly contemplate. They drop stuff on you out of no where. I work from home and my office is at the front of the house downstairs. She would turn up and bang on my window. I would be presenting to people online. I could not stop this. Brain disease does not care for the carer’s situation. I suppose if I lived in a large house with electric gates I could stop the physical aspect of her turning up.
Times when I decided to not go over during the next crisis at her house, people in the community and her neighbours would come to my house and wake my children and cause them great distress. It was less damaging to my children at times for me to comply and go over to stop the drama at my own house.
Once doctors and social services and mental health team get hold of your number (my mum dished it out to them) they call you from many unknown numbers. I’d try to prevent answering calls but I had to answer some in case it was related to my children. The adult social care system will find you and hound you. It’s impossible to understand unless you have lived it.
She’s clever. Despite the brain conditions. Good at lying. For example, it was my child’s birthday party at my house and she turned up. I could not ruin it for my child by making a scene. And she would manipulate my child so my child would want her there. That day she said she was very unwell, out of the blue. During the party this turned in to her being quite unwell. On further questioning she admitted she ‘might’ have had a UTI for a day or so. She deteriorated quickly and to protect my child again, I did the only thing I knew would stop ruining the day, I took my mother out of the situation by booking and taking her to an out of hours gp to get treated. I overheard her tell the nurse there that she’d had symptoms tor 7 days. This was classic. Refuse to see a doctor then the impact of that was I missed my own child’s party.
When someone has the type of conditions my mum has, things can change in a second. I would arrive at her house for a quick brew to find e.g. she’d taken CBD oil which thinned her blood so much that she had blood clots the size of grapes falling out of her face. They present you with the most distressing events when you least expect it. No one could walk away from such scenes unless they literally did not possess a heart. You go immediately into emergency adrenaline mode, because it IS an emergency. You can’t plan for these events and there are many of them.
The one time I refused to go to an emergency call at 10 pm, when her district nurse called me, they told me their next patient would die in pain if I didn’t got and wait with my mum, as the next person on their visit list was an ‘end of life’ call. My was in deep delusion and hallucination and had refused treatment from emergency response teams for five days by this point. This was the first time I refused to go. Because of my decision the ambulance for my mother came more quickly. I have to carry the guilt that some other poor individual had to wait longer for pain relief because I refused to facilitate my mum that night.

It breaks the very best and strongest of us. If you are lucky enough to not live within walking distance of an elderly parent, you could put in more boundaries more easily. If you do not, like me, the system and your elderly parent will find a way of getting you to comply by relentless chipping away at you and manipulating you when you are at your most tired and vulnerable. It’s similar to death by a thousand cuts. They know how to keep cutting you until you fold.

I can resonate with everything you are saying. The details in my situation are different but the complete feeling of being responsible, reachable at all times juggling the needs to so many people, you forget your own. And unless someone has to do it, saying,"No I'm not coming" over abd over, whether that is to the cared for person calling with demands or professionals trying to manipulate you into doing something you know you just don't have the emotional or physical capacity to do is absolutely, emotionally, exhausting.

But for your own mental health and the wellbeing of your family you need to be firm. Lock the door. If she's baning and naming a scene call an ambulance (if you believe it to be psychological, medical) or the police.

Sending lots of love.

worldsgonemadnow · 02/04/2026 20:13

user555999000 · 02/04/2026 15:02

Parkinson’s disease is a brain disease. There are countless studies on the impact of chemicals on brain health. Genetics load the gun, enviromental factors pull the trigger. I’d rather lower my chemical exposure as a result.

I’m not constantly angry with her. I’m sometimes angry (and mainly hide this when I am), often traumatised, regularly exhausted, yet always kind to her.

I’m dealing with several overlapping health issues with my mother - not just Parkinson’s.

It’s really interesting to me that as the carer, when you go through a period of complete burnout, people seemed compelled to list a whole host of reasons why you should be still focusing on the elderly parent and not yourself and why your feeling are invalid to them. “I’m feeling suicidal and I’ve haven’t slept through the night in years and I can’t drive today from blinding migraines from stress” and STILL someone will say “I know that sounds really hard, but can you just go collect your mother and take her to her hospital appointment before you jump off a cliff.”

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That's just so not OK. Those people need to be told or distanced along with your mother. In fact maybe they can just disrupt their lives and do her bidding to give you some headspace.

worldsgonemadnow · 02/04/2026 20:15

user555999000 · 02/04/2026 15:06

This is a good idea. I’ve finally organised for my phone to have voicemail disabled entirely. I had to call the provider up and make a special request. I now set my phone to do not disturb for work hours, and allow favourite contacts through eg children’s school. I used to physically shake when listening to the voicemails stacking up on my phone daily from countless agencies and others linked to my carer role.

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This is a great idea and I might just follow your lead!

Original poster

user555999000 · 02/04/2026 20:46

worldsgonemadnow · 02/04/2026 20:13

That's just so not OK. Those people need to be told or distanced along with your mother. In fact maybe they can just disrupt their lives and do her bidding to give you some headspace.

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Well the wider family is a whole other sorry tale. She has two sisters in good health, who both live within ten minutes drive, retired early, extremely wealthy, time rich, drive. They’ve seen her for a sum total of about 4-5 hours in the last two years or so. When she was in hospital. And very occasionally before that. God forbid they might have to deal with something unpleasant alone. They deliberately distanced themselves and treat her terribly. They are both narcissists, and inhumane to her. Their behaviour has added to my depression and burnout. Even though they refuse to see her, they are extremely keen on calling and texting and emailing anyone who will listen to tell them how I’m a horrible daughter and how disgusting I am. They’ve abused me for years now. When I had to move my mum nursing homes, I was under pressure to sell her house asap to fund the care fees. I emptied her house alone, single-handedly every night for about a month after work. They got wind of this, and one of them contacted my mum at the home to ask where some small items of my grandparents were that my mum had stored in her loft. In her confusion, my mum told them I’d burnt them. This was not true. I’d stored them carefully in a drawer in her room. They took that information and deliberately spread awful lies about me so that another family member contacted me in an accusatory manner saying that they wanted the items. Didn’t ask after my mother at all. The items don’t even belong to any of them. They didn’t care she had lost everything. They just wanted some physical items that they’d had over 15 years to organise with my mum and could never be bothered to collect, but suddenly not wanted them. Personally I think this was a smokescreen to distract people from the fact that they have abandoned her since she got sick. I’ve told them to collect the items themselves from the care home if they want them and leave me out of it. But that would mean they’d have to see her in person, which they will avoid doing. So the items remain. The items they were so desperate to have. It’s tragic. I am alone with it all, except for my sister who lives abroad and luckily is very supportive of me and does what she’s can when she can from far away. But she’s only in the country for a few days every year.

OP posts:

Original poster

user555999000 · 02/04/2026 20:50

worldsgonemadnow · 02/04/2026 20:15

This is a great idea and I might just follow your lead!

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Do it! It’s really been one of the most transformative boundaries I’ve managed to put in place this year. Highly recommend disabling voicemails in particular.

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MintoTime · 02/04/2026 21:07

The Scottish version is ‘we’re no’ there yet’ . DH and I say it to each other as a joke but it wasn’t very funny at the time. It was used to deflect and reject every suggestion that PIL might look at moving or accepting some help or getting adaptations put in at home. Every single thing they did, it was done too late to be of any use.

SurreySenMum26 · 02/04/2026 21:14

TeenToTwenties · 01/04/2026 20:39

Because the older you get the less you like change.
And accepting help means admitting you need it and you are now on a downward slope.
My DPs needed a crisis to start allowing help but each new step is a negotiation and takes time to drip feed the idea, then 'trial' before they accept/admit it is helpful.

Yes if you accept help it becomes real.

My mums phrase was " how the Fuck am I supposed to do that?"

To everything.

Going to her sisters funeral where I drove her door to door, take a taxi to the shops, get a gardener, get a cleaner, etc"

In the end she didn't make it into a care home and had a very unpleasant, avoidable, untimely demise.

However I don't think she would have coped in a home so maybe she the right idea. Still traumatising.

Nofeckingway · 02/04/2026 22:41

I turned a corner into my father garden to see him up a ladder painting . He was 85 at the time and widowed about 6 months . I was horrified but he laughed at me and said oh well if I fall off and die that's it . I told him that would be fine with me if that what he wants . But make sure you actually do die because if you fall and break a hip or shatter your pelvis you will be bedridden in a hospital or in a nursing home maybe for a while before you die . We did laugh and he agreed to not do it any more but only because he was nearly finished.

He died unexpectedly in hospital while undergoing tests the next year and avoided any extra care in his life except my sister and I making him meals .

Homebird8 · 03/04/2026 06:09

This is very outing if you know me but my 83 year old DF has what he calls ladder Tuesdays. Tuesday is the day his wife spends with her friends away from the home and, as she rightfully worries about him if he takes his slightly wobbly body up a ladder, she won’t let him do it if she’s there. So Tuesday is the day he does his ladder climbing, and his DIY electrics, on his own with nobody to know if he comes a cropper.

For my part, I live 12,000 miles away and have had to come to terms with this behaviour. DF and I have agreed that if he dies, or worse still survives, coming off his ladder, then I will celebrate him going doing what he loved. Not a tragedy but an inevitable consequence of his risk taking.

Doesn’t make it better for anyone geographically closer to him who also shares some of the consequences but is a way for me to deal with conversations with him about risks. I have unequivocally told him that I will not be so understanding about the time to end his driving. He nodded his understanding of this one. We’ll see, but I am the one he’ll listen to if anyone.

OP, and all those going through the next stage with their elderlies, my heart goes out to you. I will not be in the same boat exactly but am sure you should put on your own mask first. The specifics are only known by you but your life matters. Kia kaha.

Original poster

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 08:12

Eggandspoonrace2 · 02/04/2026 12:50

Right. I never believed that excuse, of course they know they need help. Sometimes they want to hang on to their savings and not pay for help too.

But it seems crystal clear to me that people like this think they are entitled to the time and care of their children and simply want to control their adult children, like they always have.

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Exactly this. When the latest horrific crisis was over, I’d attempt to have a calm, reasonable conversation with my mother. But she just did not care. She really did not. Everything was 100% about her wants. I’m not being obtuse or angry here. I’m stating fact.

I’d say something like, “You know mum I love you so much, and it is really confusing to me why you won’t let me organise some carers to come help you at home. Why would you want to be exhausted every day, to the point you can’t undress yourself at night, so you end up paralysed on the floor and toileting on it, and waiting for an ambulance and calling me at 2 am. When the phone goes at 2 am I feel sick to my stomach, my heart is beating out of its chest, I shake and cry on my way over to you, I have to miss a day of work the following day, the children get ignored, I’ve almost lost my job from the amount of times I’ve missed work to help you. I love you but I can’t go on any more. It’s ruining my life and it could be so much more pleasant for all of us if you agreed to say a carer come help you into bed at 7 pm? Please do this, if not for yourself, for me.”

Response would be, every single time, “I know. I know. We can get carers. Maybe in a few years time. This was just a blip. I’m not at that stage yet.”

I gave up attempting these conversations with her because the act of having them and being ignored, undermined and her genuinely not caring that I was broken and hurting was more painful than just saying nothing.

I’ll still never understand how some of the undignified avoidable situations that happened she knowingly chose, rather than get a carer.

The ludicrous thing is that I had more than she did sometimes. When my husband worked away, I had a cleaner for two hours a week and I kept her even when he changed to working from home. I have a handyman/builder who I call regularly, a garden maintenance helper, a window cleaner, and if I feel woozy from stress and migraines, I happily call a taxi rather than risk driving. We even bought the house we did at age 40 because it’s flat all around, small garden, downstairs loo, new build so easy to maintain, easy distance to local shops. It wasn’t an accident. It was strategic. We’ve already put the house in life interest trust for the kids, the wills get looked at every five years, and there’s an advance directive in place. But no. Not my mother. She’s not at that stage yet. If I asked her when she last updated her will she wouldn’t have a clue.

OP posts:

Original poster

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 08:22

Homebird8 · 03/04/2026 06:09

This is very outing if you know me but my 83 year old DF has what he calls ladder Tuesdays. Tuesday is the day his wife spends with her friends away from the home and, as she rightfully worries about him if he takes his slightly wobbly body up a ladder, she won’t let him do it if she’s there. So Tuesday is the day he does his ladder climbing, and his DIY electrics, on his own with nobody to know if he comes a cropper.

For my part, I live 12,000 miles away and have had to come to terms with this behaviour. DF and I have agreed that if he dies, or worse still survives, coming off his ladder, then I will celebrate him going doing what he loved. Not a tragedy but an inevitable consequence of his risk taking.

Doesn’t make it better for anyone geographically closer to him who also shares some of the consequences but is a way for me to deal with conversations with him about risks. I have unequivocally told him that I will not be so understanding about the time to end his driving. He nodded his understanding of this one. We’ll see, but I am the one he’ll listen to if anyone.

OP, and all those going through the next stage with their elderlies, my heart goes out to you. I will not be in the same boat exactly but am sure you should put on your own mask first. The specifics are only known by you but your life matters. Kia kaha.

@Homebird8 oh my gosh ‘ladder Tuesdays’ 😬

OP posts:

Original poster

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 08:25

There are so many who have shown me compassion and understanding on this thread and I need to say thank you. 🙏 In real life it is very rare that I get any thanks or understanding. It means a huge deal that so many of you have given me space to be heard and made me feel held.

Thank you 🌸

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uttermadnessindeed · 03/04/2026 09:05

It sounds as though you stepped in to ‘fill the gap’ which meant your mum had an unrealistic view of what she needed. Families often step in to keep everything propped up and the elderly person believes they’re living ‘independently’ but in truth, it’s only possible because a family member is making a lot of sacrifices.

I’ve recently had to take a step back from some of the things I was doing for my dad. I was wearing myself out with a full time job, plus doing all my dad’s cleaning, shopping, household and medical admin and feeling crushed by it all. I have known for a while he really needs to be in supported housing but he too has not felt ‘at that stage’ and I’ve respected that but I’ve said, ‘ok, well I need to step back a little and you need to pay for help’. He’s been fine with it and the relief of having a weekly cleaner has been immense!

Your situation sounds different and there isn’t anything you can do now but assuming you were the person who ‘filled the gaps’, it might be worth getting some counselling to process it all. Was there a bit of you that kept going and going, even though you knew you were sacrificing yourself in the process?

It’s a very, very tough stage of life - I get it! I hope you’re able to find peace.

Original poster

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 09:26

@uttermadnessindeedyes I filled the gap. When my dad died years ago, I was not working, as I was home with a baby and toddler. My husband worked away for two weeks at a time. When he was away, I’d go over to my Mum’s house, collect her, drive her back to mine and host her for two weeks. She had her own room, I waited on her hand and foot, did all meals etc, and because she lived at my house regularly for weeks at a time, I invariably did all her life admin. Whilst raising a newborn and two year old. I always knew that when I needed to return to work and she couldn’t have my undivided attention by living at my house 24/7 for extended periods, there would be a problem in her expectations. Her staying at my house when my husband was away went on for about 4 years. And it wasn’t for me or to help with the children. I did it for her. Because she was widowed and lonely and had Parkinson’s.

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Gloriousgardener11 · 03/04/2026 09:39

It’s as if we all ‘over support’ thereby enabling them to carry on as normal without even the remotest thought to our own lives or wellbeing.
As long as they are alright Jack!

On the odd days I can’t take my mother to see my father in his care home she’ll get the bus ( she has a free bus pass) rather than not go at all.
Then I’m met with a detailed account of the whole journey and how long she had to wait for the bus or how awful some of the passengers were etc etc.
So I suggest a taxi or signing up to the local community transport mini bus.
Both suggestions are met with absolute horror as that might actually cost her money!
She has plenty but has gone meaner and meaner so as long as I’m ferrying her around for free that’s fine.
I sometimes don’t take her so she appreciates me more and realises I’m not going to always be there at her convenience but it’s tongue biting stuff!

thedevilinablackdress · 03/04/2026 09:46

I've come to realise that much of my DMs refusal to get cleaners, taxis, window cleaning is less to do with money (especially now AA is in place) and more that she is scared of people (and has some claustrophobia and OCD issues too I suspect). People coming in to her home, dealing with people, horror stories in the news about taxi drivers.

rookiemere · 03/04/2026 09:47

I think the hardest part of the journey for me has been to realise that my DPs do not or cannot care of the impact of their actions on me or DH. I keep waiting for them to say thank you for everything we have done and continue to do for them, but it never comes. In my case I need to accept that because they both have a form of dementia it is in fact impossible for them to understand this, but I do also think there is something about ones impending demise that makes them particularly self oriented and unable to see that the impact of what you want is too much for others.

Even now they are finally in the care home near us, occasionally I say to DF how nice it is that they are close and we can visit frequently without the 2 hour journey we had previously, he just changes the topic quickly, he’s perfectly happy in the care home so I think it’s just because he has no interest in thinking or talking about anyone except himself.

In my case my DPs prior to this were mostly reasonable people, the real them who started disappearing about 5 years ago would have been horrified at the impact to my life through their actions or should I say inaction. It must be a lot worse when you haven’t even got that comforting thought to fall back on.

ImWearingPantaloons · 03/04/2026 09:50

My parents were exactly the same. So I just let it all tip over as the alternative felt like trying to push water uphill.

My only annoyance was the ‘not at that stage yet’ included a complete disbelief that they would EVER be at that stage - all their money and assets have gone to pay for their care, money and assets my dad was adamant would be either mums inheritance, or mine. If my dad had capacity he would have been furious as to how it all had to end up, but there you go….

NattyKnitter116 · 03/04/2026 10:35

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 08:22

@Homebird8 oh my gosh ‘ladder Tuesdays’ 😬

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What a perfect name - both my father and FILdo this. My father did come a cropper, firstly by falling off backwards and breaking three ribs. Luckily he fell on to grass. So that was 8 uncomfortable weeks sleeping in a chair. Second time was after spending hours painting roof soffets in 80 degree heat without a hat (he’s already had skin lesions removed). Neighbours came out and checked on him but of course he wouldn’t come down. Later that evening he had a stroke. It was only my mums very quick recognition of it and call for ambulance that meant he was pumped full of clot buster within 30 mins and retained most of his mobility and faculties.

like you I don’t worry about this - it’s up to him. But the driving worries me. I really think people should retake their test every 3-5 years after age 70.

Original poster

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 12:30

”I think the hardest part of the journey for me has been to realise that my DPs do not or cannot care of the impact of their actions on me or DH.”

It is exactly this @rookiemere

OP posts:

justasking111 · 03/04/2026 13:58

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 12:30

”I think the hardest part of the journey for me has been to realise that my DPs do not or cannot care of the impact of their actions on me or DH.”

It is exactly this @rookiemere

I read a very interesting piece recently that in old age empathy vanishes. They can't put themselves in their partners shoes let alone their children's.

My husband definitely lacks empathy these days towards me. Our children pull him up on it. One day I may be the same.

My advice draw a line in the sand. Don't half kill yourselves it's really not appreciated.

MintoTime · 03/04/2026 15:17

Homebird8 · 03/04/2026 06:09

This is very outing if you know me but my 83 year old DF has what he calls ladder Tuesdays. Tuesday is the day his wife spends with her friends away from the home and, as she rightfully worries about him if he takes his slightly wobbly body up a ladder, she won’t let him do it if she’s there. So Tuesday is the day he does his ladder climbing, and his DIY electrics, on his own with nobody to know if he comes a cropper.

For my part, I live 12,000 miles away and have had to come to terms with this behaviour. DF and I have agreed that if he dies, or worse still survives, coming off his ladder, then I will celebrate him going doing what he loved. Not a tragedy but an inevitable consequence of his risk taking.

Doesn’t make it better for anyone geographically closer to him who also shares some of the consequences but is a way for me to deal with conversations with him about risks. I have unequivocally told him that I will not be so understanding about the time to end his driving. He nodded his understanding of this one. We’ll see, but I am the one he’ll listen to if anyone.

OP, and all those going through the next stage with their elderlies, my heart goes out to you. I will not be in the same boat exactly but am sure you should put on your own mask first. The specifics are only known by you but your life matters. Kia kaha.

Amazing. My dad's a bit like this but has seen sense recently and I think he has agreed - aged 79 - to not use the ladder, axe or chainsaw when my mum's not there. When she's there though, he still does all these things.

Interesting what you say about being 12,000 miles away. I too live overseas, and I hope that I have made my peace with knowing that I won't be able to stop them doing what they want to do or be very involved in picking up the pieces afterwards. I can't be there straight away if anything does happen. If they have an accident as a result of living life the way they want to live their lives, then so be it. I'm not involved in the daily minutiae of their lives (none of us want that), I can only do what I can do. I can't drop in, I can't rush over every time they can't work the computer or lose the remote. I can't step up or fill any gaps, so I don't worry about it. Easy to say I guess when they are still in good health and only occasionally falling off ladders.

BernardButlersBra · 03/04/2026 16:10

EmeraldRoulette · 01/04/2026 21:34

@user555999000 I started a similar thread a few years ago

You have my full sympathy
It is infuriating and spoils the relationship

I'm not sure I really have one to be honest. I just pay lip service to it.

She's still here and we're still suffering 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's absolutely fine if they're prepared to take the consequences of their own action

like if you could say and it be accepted...
Don't phone me when there's a fucking emergency. Don't even tell me whether there's a fucking emergency.

(I am so sick of the fucking emergencies)

Anyway, yours is in a care home now? That should help.

I'm really sorry you have PTSD.

I was actually just thinking today that I probably have a few things that people would count as PTSD, but I'm not sure what counts these days

An elderly parent will absolutely give you PTSD. It's terrible. The apocalypse would be better.

I wish you all the best I really do

Maybe we should form a collective circle and pray really hard or something

I'm not a believer, but desperate times and all that.

Edited

All true.

Plus at least in the apocalypse you wouldn't have to go to work, pays bills or a mortgage

BernardButlersBra · 03/04/2026 16:40

SarahAndQuack · 01/04/2026 23:41

She is of the lucky generation that got to work part time, buy a house for next to nothing and retire early. She did no caring herself. I will still have a huge mortgage by the same time she had been retired for several years and was living a lovely , holiday filled existence.

I think this is a key point, actually. Not true of everyone in that generation of course; lots of people are wonderful and not everyone had an easy ride ... but I do recognise your description. I think if you've lived your life having things handed to you, you probably do feel rage about ordinary aging. OTOH the generation before were more accustomed to thinking about compromise and expecting to be told 'tough luck,' and so too is the generation below.

This is all very familiar to me 🤣. Had a nice easy run at life, never really had to push themselves or be that resilient. Then retire young and after that get people to run around after them. The “amusing” twist is they have no insight about how lucky they were and how easy they have had it

My parents have just done what suited them since my mid teens -perfect example is splitting up a week before my GCSE exams started. Have given me zero support, despite getting it in shed loads from their parents. I have already taken a step back, especially as zero preparation has been done for their advancing years 🙄. It’s going to get messy but at least l live miles away

Original poster

user555999000 · 03/04/2026 17:11

I’ve just seen an email drop from the care home. I deleted it without reading. I feel wild. It was such a THRILL. It is a revolt. My sister will see the email so it’s not that bad. Felt liberating. Like a sneaky middle finger to the system.

What else can I do that is surreptitiously bad? I’ve decided as nothing I ever do is enough, I might a well finally act bad. 😂

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