Struggling with MIL assumptions

[sunintheeast]

My lovely FIL died 18 months ago. MiL struggled hugely after caring for him for 2 years with no family nearby. After he died she asked if she could move nearer to us.. he had wanted her to so that was a big part in it..200 miles from where she had lived her whole life.. we gladly said yes. I get on with her and we have similar values hobbies etc.. we wanted to give her the support but with some worries about moving her away from her friends. To make it work financially we had to go in with our savings to make up the difference on a new place and also do it up as our area is more expensive than hers. In spite of her really trying it has been hard so much harder than i thought.. I think she thinks we are much better off than we are and DH is so generous hes just got in the habit of paying for her everywhere we go and taking her on holiday with us. Its getting to me.. the house has been hard work for a woman in her 80s so even though we are spending a fortune she is missing her old home, friends, town and is emotionally flat alot of the time. I have very little time with DH now hes either doing DIY or she's with us because shes lonely. To be fair she has joined a couple of groups so she is trying. I dont want to feel resentful... she lost her husband and dealing with a massive change but im starting to fester about the time, our massively depleting savings (everything has to be done ASAP! ) and general assumption that its her son's role now to do what her husband did and looking after her .. we didnt realise how much he did ! how do I manage it and move on ??

Surely she has enough money to pay her way eg meals out together?
A total rethink is needed here. I would not be happy at the way money is being used to support his mother.

What am I reading? Have I understood correctly that your mil and dh have jointly bought a house for her to live in using your mil's money and your money, but you do not have any ownership of the house and your dh is now paying with 'joint' money for everything for your mil? Is the house owned as joint tenants or tenants in common and does your dh have any siblings? And what does mil's will say? You need to get some legal advice about this - but in essence, the house should be owned by you (or you and dh) and mil as tenants in common so that your investment is preserved when mil dies and/or if you ever get divorced. I would also say to dh that you do not agree to him spending your joint savings on funding mil as you can't afford it.

This is crazy. Why is mil not funding her own life?

What is her source of income? This is worth looking into (if not already done) and she has any health conditions. You can certainly demotthe 'needs support with' parts by the sound of it.
https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

But yes, agree with others that a discussion is needed pronto.

No just him.. our house in my name only.. we are not married

The house purchase is all theirs as i have my own house owned just by me he has no claim on but contributes to... We are using savings for repairs but you are right. Im being naive and we need to address the legal stuff

Thank goodness you have your own property separate to theirs. But yes, you need legal advice because he's using your joint earnings to fund his MIL and that's not on.

Your being taken advantage of here big time - he isn't even your husband FFS! How cheeky of him to work part time due to health issues but spend the rest of the time working on DIY in his new investment (do you pay towards the house renovations/decoration also?)

Stop financing their house and their lifestyle their fucking lunch and next time you go out for lunch say these 9 words

"do you mind if we pay for ourselves today?"

It's 9 words and it's really really easy to say.

Nope nope nope. Stop putting money into the joint saving and take out your half of it now and put it in a separate account. Stopping making your money available to him. Ensure the utilities are paid and that’s it. Tell him if he doesn’t like it he can either move in with dear mummy or work more hours to fund her. I suspect you’ve probably lost the money you’ve put into their new house but you could always ask a lawyer if you have evidence it was joint money that was used and get your name registered as a party of interest. Where did you find this charmer?!?

Dear God! You aren’t married so you are basically funding MILs life.

Your decision of course but it seems rather naive.

i second everyone else has said about putting a stop to this now…. Also might be worth checking that he really doesnt have a claim on your own property as he might despite not being married if hes contributed to it over a period of time…..

So she’s not even your mother in law?!

Why on earth have you done this-this is insanity?!

Why THEIR joint names - your money has gone into it so you should also be on the title deeds?

OP, be very careful. If your DP has contributed to improvements in your home such as helping fund a new kitchen or building works, he may well be able to claim a financial stake in the house. He doesn't have rights if he's just paid half bills etc.

You could be in a very tricky situation in addition to the very odd one where he has paid towards a property which doesn't have your name on it although you've provided a fair amount of money for it. And don't pay for MiL's lifestyle stuff, holidays, meals out etc any longer

The moving nearer to you all makes sense. But the financial aspects are more problematical.
I am on the other side of this fence, being retired and widowed ( which is frankly bloody tough and I hate it with a passion).
But .... I am financially independent from my family and would not accept financial help from them in any way. I am not rich ... very much not so .... but keeping myself afloat and spending wisely are down to me and me alone, and this is how it should be. I would not countenance my family having to use any of their money to support me.
The money you have sunk in her property could stay, if affordable, as it is an investment for you, but any day to day expenses are hers alone.
In order not to build up resentment between you and your OH you need to have an upfront conversation with him and set some parameters.
On the socisl side, might you suggest she joins her local U3A? Mine has been a joy and I also organise concert trips for them as well as joining in other groups.

If you end up funding carers and care home fees you will be bankrupt in no time. Separate your money - put it into your pension or where they can’t get it. Give DH some but out of that he funds DM. That should see a drastic cut in how generous he is.

Also is the money you sink on her house clearly recorded or it may be included in funding care home fees when it is sold in the fitutr

I have my own savings also

This is very sound advice and you need to look into this in detail.

Is your DP an only child? Was your DP left anything by his father or did it all go to mum? Does he have any inheritance or just the house when mum goes?

I think you need to sit and have a chat, this is not sustainable and the rot of it will set in and destroy your relationship.

This lady is not your MIL.

In this case, that matters.

You sound very kind, not just financially but also in the amount of effort you're putting in and the way you write about your MIL.

But it's not ok.

I think you need to sit your DP down for a talk about it. In the early days when he and MIL were very newly bereaved it is understandable they were just reeling, and she latched onto expecting DP to sort everything out for her. But that can't go on. He must be exhausting himself doing DIY if he isn't fit enough to work full time, and it's obviously a burden on you financially. It would make me very nervous, in this current climate, to be dipping into savings, because employment is so precarious and jobs are so hard to get.

He then needs to have a gentle talk to her and to explain what he is and isn't in a position to do. It does sound formidably hard for her; she must be missing home and her support networks, and as you say, she is obviously making an effort, but it's rough at her age.

I get how you ended up in this situation, but I think you need to strategise how you're going to change things now.

And that is great. But it doesn’t mean he can be draining your joint savings to fund his mother who is no relation of yours!! So as I said - stop putting money into the joint savings and remove half of the remainder to your own savings account. As others have said let’s see how generous he is when you tell him your not his piggy bank any more and that you want added to his mothers property given your financial input to it.

Easy to sleep walk into these situations under time pressure when someone needs help urgently. But now is the time to say you and your partner need to sit down and plan the future in the cold light of day. Say to him that you need to have a plan for your future as a couple, without it being assumed MIL comes on all future holidays and so on without discussion. You also need to work out the various legal scenarios if she needs care, and or her house has to be sold in the future. Is he ever likely to be working more in the future, or is this part time work going to be it for the rest of his working life? Does he have a pension, or any savings of his own?

Also is DP paying into a pension?