Struggling to cope with personality changes and parental dynamic

[rookiemere]

Apologies in advance if this is long but I want to give as much detail as I can.

DPs are very elderly- DF92 and DM87. I am an only DC and live an hour away. Until 10 months ago they were doing “ok”. We would visit fortnightly and do things like change light bulbs and I would do a bit of light cleaning. DM has full attendance allowance because of macular degeneration and osteoporosis. DF has diabetes, crohns disease and memory loss. They steadfastly refused to get much in the way of adaptations such as walk in shower or a much needed cleaner.

10 months ago DM had a fall and has been more or less bedridden since. Her speech has become very poor - it was getting worse previously and I assume she has had a number of mini strokes. As we are in Scotland she gets free home carers 4 times a day. She uses a catheter now. I took her to the neurologist twice and he assumes she has some form of dementia. She is still fairly cognisant in lots of ways but now gets fixated over tiny things and has mostly lost her previously kindly personality and is very demanding and exacting about all the paperwork and things round the house she expects me to do.

DF is losing his memory but is absolutely adamant he wants to stay at home. Thankfully no longer driving so has a list of places he wants to go to when we come up. Not sure on his capacity to carry out daily tasks if DM or carers weren’t there to remind him. He has a district nurse giving him his insulin each day because he was forgetting to take it.

They shout at each other a lot now because DF struggles to understand DM and DF is effectively her carer. I have spoken to social services and the carers are meant to prepare the meals not DF but he won’t let them. I managed to persuade them to get a cleaner once a week so the house is not dreadful although neither she nor the carers appear to be on top of the out of date food in the fridge.

They have absolutely pots of money but fiercely resistant to spending it on care, although personally generous with us. I think they would be better off getting rid of the council carers and paying for longer sessions with a more consistent level of personnel or indeed a live in carer, but they won’t hear of it.

Anyway so far, so standard and I am a frequent visitor to the cockroach cafe where there are people dealing with much harder situations than me.

The issue is I have been having panic attacks around the visits. They need to be visited at least weekly to keep on top of things like paperwork and the fridge.DH has been amazing and has started doing most of them, but obviously I can’t abandon my DPs and DM likes to save up all her paperwork for when I come and then thrust it at me along with everything else that she wants done. There are no other friends or relatives who can help in any way. Yesterday I had just escaped but for various reasons DS had come up too and left the car I was returning with an oil light warning. Nothing terrible but I just have no emotional reserves at all and I absolutely lost it in the car to the point I frightened myself.

I have been to the GP and they gave me a choice of HRT or antidepressants. I went for the HRT as this is entirely situational. Basically I feel traumatised every time I see them - they decline slightly, DM is less like my actual DM, DM and DF shout more aggressively at each other and expect me to referee, I worry that they should be in a care home but won’t go - I just really struggle with it. I thought by now some sort of definitive crisis would have happened to force the issue, but no on they go. I feel like a horrible person for not coping with seeing them and wanting things to get worse.

I guess my question is what can I do about it? DH is adamant he will do most of the visits- he is worried about me and dare I say it a bit annoyed by my ongoing emotional distress. But as I say I can’t not go, they were ok DPs, DM especially but she is the one I find hardest now I think.

Another vote for post redirection. Only problem is that the PO will write to them to let them know it’s happening- which is of course right as far as it goes - but just to let you know that.

Also a vote for box breathing, I was doing it just last night. It really does help. A bit. I’d be going truly mad in your place.

@Octavia64 wine is always a good answer. It’s quite funny, I am a social drinker not really bothered about it, but I always have a bottle of my favourite cheap plonk rose in the fridge for the evening after parental visits.

@Holesintheground thinking about it, I think the visit was structured wrong. I usually do have a decompression routine afterwards and sit in a nice park for 15 minutes- even if it’s just in the car - down the road from them to eat my packed lunch. For various reasons- DS not warning me about the oil light, having the dog in the boot - this visit wasn’t designed to make that possible. I have become quite rigid in menopause and I guess controlling the structure of the visits helps me to feel on less of an out of a control train ride.

Gawd knows what I will be like when the actual crisis comes, as surely it must.

@rookiemere you are a carer because you are doing the work of caring, as am I, even though we don't live with or even near our olds. Caring isn't just hands on things, it's all the thinking you have to do and the multiple things you have to have in your head in between visits. The phone calls, paperwork, etc. The emotional labour. The dread too, and the guilt we often have to deal with because we no longer really have family relationships with them, we are caring and managing and it becomes a chore, a duty. Weirdly, the crises are easier to manage than the day to day grind, because at least in a crisis I can go into "work mode". Visits when DGM is home are more waiting for the crisis and knowing whatever you're doing won't really be enough to prevent it. The uncertainty of when it'll land and what it'll be this time is the difficult bit.

My post hospital/CH/home visit ritual is a hot shower with one of those aromatherapy steamers, a stiff drink, a cuddle with the dogs on the sofa, some chocolate and mindless TV. I'm AuDHD, routines help quell the post visit anxiety about what I might have forgotten/what the next phone call will have in store! If you need structure, then definitely build in those bits of time to breathe. Go to the shop and have some time to yourself, get a decent lunch while you're out and away from the biohazard fridge, grab your favourite coffee, put a podcast or music on while you eat. If I'm really feeling fed up, I go on YouTube and put Thomas Benjamin Wild's "I've no more fucks to give" on. Won't change my mood but at least I'll laugh!

Thank you @CrazyGoatLady I know you are having a very hard time at the moment. I am lucky because DS is self sufficient ( apart from using my car and not sorting out issues ) and DH has the time to do more visits.

The really hard part that gets me every time is I still wait for DM to say thank you and appreciate what i am doing. So I organised her mobile hairdresser and made a point of mentioning her hair looked nice - no mental connection that it was me that organised it, just on to the next demand. Conversely DF has generally become a bit nicer since his mental decline, says thank you and he doesn’t want to be a burden ( whilst simultaneously refusing additional care and being a huge burden). That’s before he snaps and starts shouting at things or gets annoyed that I want to throw away out of date food.

Anyway I am going on now, and some really helpful tips - I am going to google box breathing.

The HRT really helped. I was already making the best of it all, generally very positive so CBT didn't really seem to be a good fit.
Because I'd been in flight or fight so long, disproportionate reactions to things I'd normally take in my stride, I went for Autogenic therapy. Ten sessions, learn a bit more of the technique each time. The therapist was lovely, kind, supportive and it was just so nice to be asked 'how are you' and not have to give anything back.
I use the Autogenic training as a quick 'deep breathe' , sometimes a longer reset but the main thing was it gradually brought me down from running on longterm cortisol.
My therapist was based the South West, I think the website has details properly trained & qualified across the country.

Thanks @GuiltFreedom I’ve actually been on HRT for a few months now, I think it’s helping a bit as in I am not as flat as I was.

I have been ok since the last visit- possibly because I haven’t been since - it’s ok though no intransigent old people have been neglected as a result of this decision as DH has been doing the visits and only needs praise and thanks for this which I am happy to provide.
I have also started a new job 3 days a week, it’s fairly basic administrative work but it’s amazing to get out of the house and have a bit of purpose. DPs decline dovetailed with my work contract finishing so I think part of what I have been feeling was also attached to not working.

I will definitely keep autogenic therapy in my back pocket.

You could discuss respite with them couch it as a break for them both. Twin room might be available

@Obviouslynotallthere we’ve tried that, they’re not interested sadly. Not sure how it’s going to hold together for our planned two week holiday end May, but we’re a way off that yet and honestly I feel we have done everything we can to help with their situation so we’re allowed to enjoy our holidays.

I found that the best way of dealing with the bank statement thing (I had very similar, she did not recognise normal monthly outgoings like council tax & I had to spend ages explaining them) was to move to online only statements - just say the bank phasing out paper statements, modern life, how annoying etc. Then if necessary you can show a statement on your phone, but you don’t have to go through the paper statements item by item each month, with unnecessary worry being caused.