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Elderly parents

Elderly and vulnerable mum is in hospital, not getting answers, what can I do?

229 replies

ApriltoNovember · 04/02/2026 09:34

The last few days have been very stressful.

Mum is almost 83, 8 years into an Alzheimer's diagnosis, frail from osteoporosis, heart disease and breast cancer. She can not communicate well and struggles with her words and doesn't really understand what people are saying to her. She can feed and drink for herself but only with special adaptations (ie beakers with handles etc) and with assistance.

Mum appeared unwell last Thursday, she felt warm and was unusually sleepy (more than usual). On Friday I called the GP surgery, the nurse called me back and diagnosed a UTI over the phone. She prescribed antibiotics which I gave to mum. However, on Saturday the carers were worried that mum was still quite hot and noticed one of her knees appeared to be swollen. I called 111 who then called for an ambulance. The paramedic was concerned mum may have a blood clot (mum suffered a blood clot 2 years ago from her Tamoxifen medication), so off to A&E we went.

A&E doctor quickly dismissed the blot clot but still ordered a scan and said he thought it may be septic arthritis. Twenty six hours later laying on a hospital trolley in the corridor mum was finally given a bed on a frailty unit. This was late Sunday evening.

I went again to see her on Monday and she seemed a lot brighter but to say to me that she was very frightened and scared then started to cry. This was so upsetting as it's the most she has spoke for a while so must have taken such an effort to say and it simply broke my heart.

I noticed there was nothing written on the white board above her bed and there was a stone cold mug of tea on her table. I told the catering guy that mum has advanced dementia and could not drink for herself, he said he had no idea as no one had told him and got me a beaker for mum.

The unit mum was on was a very large mixed ward with 22 beds, all full and with just 2 nurses on the whole time I was there (hours). It was very difficult to track anyone down as they were always dealing with someone else. I finally found a nurse for an update to be told little had been done. Mum still hadn't had the ultrasound doppler scan on her knee. An aspirate had been taken from her knee but that was in A&E as I was with her then (no bedside manner from that doctor, poor mum screamed her head off and he said nothing to her to ease her distress).

I got home Monday and managed to telephone a doctor from that unit who basically told me that she didn't feel there was much wrong with mum, it probably WAS simply down to a uti and due to her dementia it would be wise that mum is only ever admitted to hospital under very exceptional circumstances which I have always been in agreement with (my dad has a different opinion and I am always clashing with him over mum's care). This doctor told me mum could be discharged the next day (yesterday).

I rang the unit yesterday morning to be told mum was not good. I asked why and the nurse said mum was very drowsy and they couldn't get her round, blood tests revealed she is very dehydrated. I said it is no wonder because mum has not been given enough fluids and she can not drink for herself (when there I am giving her cartons of drink with a straw which is much easier for her). Been told a straw is a chocking risk so they won't give her one (would rather she became dehydrated instead) explained that every time I speak to someone they are always new and have no idea mum is in the late stages of Alzheimer's, I asked why there is no info on the whiteboard only to be told it's because the whiteboard pens go missing!

Later the doctor rang to say she was disappointed mum has taken a turn for the worse and she now has bad diarrhoea and is being tested for C Diff, I am hoping and praying my poor mum does not have this as I think it will finish her off. Unfortunately I could not get to the hospital yesterday, my sister was away for the weekend but came back early so she could go to mum and said she slept the whole time. She spoke to a nurse regarding the suspected C diff and they knew nothing about it!

I then received a phone call at 5pm yesterday to tell me mum is too unwell to stay on the frailty unit as it is a ward for people about to be discharged and she will now be place in another ward. From 7pm until 9pm I rang this ward and no one answered, eventually I managed to speak to someone who told me all the nurses on this ward are in a meeting and I needed to call back at 11pm. I called back only for there to be no answer again. I am just about to call back again (thought I would leave it due to breakfast time) but I am in pieces worrying about my poor vulnerable mum.

What can I do? Who can I ask for and what shall I ask? I am quite a passive person and don't like to make a fuss but I want answers, what do I ask for? Can someone please advise me?

I am so worried mum will die in that awful hospital. Last year she fell and fractured her neck, she spent 4 weeks in there, went in fully continent and walking and was double incontinent and bedbound by the time she was discharged, it has taken us 8 months to get her better, (I don't have faith in this hospital as I know too many people who have been neglected there, it was in special measures for years and now has a 'requires improvement' status)

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IfICanHelp · 12/02/2026 19:38

I'm not surprised you feel like crying @Idontknowhatnametochoose . It makes me feel like crying genuinely and obviously I never even knew your mother.

I think part of the problem is as parents age (if you love them and have a good relationship which I know not everyone is lucky enough to have) that parent/child dynamic flips and you suddenly become the protector who has to look after them. It is a real shock to the system because you know how much they did for you so when you can't keep them safe and everything perfect for them as they age or are unwell, it is doubly heart breaking. It's easier to keep children safe because they are younger, more resiliant, you have more control over them and they are usually easier to deal with. It's easy to change a child's nappy for example. In old age, almost everyone will suffer a decline whether that is physical or mental and keeping them very looked after is very very hard especially when you introduce an underfunded and over stressed NHS hospital into the mix.

That drive to try to keep a parent safe is layered with the emotion that goes with the shock of role reversal.

Hugs to you and try to think of happier times with your mother.

Vitrolinsanity · 12/02/2026 20:58

My DMum recently went through similar and the only reason she’s home and well is that my sister and I didn’t rest from making a fucking noise about her treatment. We also egged on other patients relatives without shame. The ward became, very quickly a group of disparate people observing failings in each others loved ones care and informing each other. My own DMum had a box of opiates thrown at her when she simply asked if they were the ones she usually had.

Heads rolled I can tell you.

I insisted, and got 3 entire team meetings during her stay. I insisted, and got night care provided by a Grade 6 nurse. I insisted, and got a pressure bed, updated whiteboard, care given by non mask wearing staff due to her being profoundly deaf.

The experience left me feeling like I need to end it all at 75.

BeaTwix · 13/02/2026 20:37

@ApriltoNovember I have experience managing complaints for the NHS and can help with buzz wards/ pathways etc.

If you want a hand to draft a complaint letter I'm happy to help just drop me a DM.

Buzz word for this is Moisture Associated Skin Damage. It should be classified alongside pressure damage.

NICE Guideline on it. https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg179/chapter/Recommendations#prevention-adults

There is also and NHS england/ NHS Improvement document but I can't find it.

Recommendations | Pressure ulcers: prevention and management | Guidance | NICE

https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg179/chapter/Recommendations#prevention-adults

PotterHead1985 · 17/02/2026 10:43

To all those who have been through it with their loved ones I send hugs. It is awful.

Myself and my best friend (whose mother also went through an awful time before her death) have often joked about making a pact to go to dignitas before we get to that point, but the more I hear the more it becomes less of a joke in my mind. I don't want to go through that and don't want any of my loved ones to go through what I went through.

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