Preventing access to social media

[spottygymbag]

Elderly DM in law has become the victim of an ongoing cyber love scam. Over 18 months she has lost significant amounts of her and DF in law’s money.
She was showing cognitive impairment a year ago and the GP has recently issued a letter we have taken to the bank to stop her access. Further testing and medical management is now in process.

The issue we have now is how to deal with the social media and messaging side. The scammers are incessant, pressuring and threatening her to the point she called emergency services earlier this week. Part of her impairment is that she cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality so no amount of education or reasoning helps, believe me we have tried! The scammers also transfer her from one platform to another and she will blindly follow their instructions to create new accounts and she is now starting to fall for other scams on top of the ongoing original one.

So from a place of absolute desperation, any ideas on how we can deal with this messaging and contact side of things? Also to note that in the past when we have limited access to messaging and social media on the phone and laptop she has disappeared to the local library to email the scammer that way.

My MIL was romance scammed at 73. We have no idea how much money she lost as she refuses to discuss it but we’ve got a feeling it may be thousands. The scam came to light and it was very messy. Screaming, crying and denial. We removed her laptop and closed all her accounts and so far we’ve not had any other episodes. Fingers crossed though and it’s a source of constant worry.

Sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can do

Just to give you some sympathy

The same thing happened to my dad (he doesn’t live in the UK) and unfortunately he’s given away all his money now. We tried absolutely everything. I even tried to get power of attorney but when we saw the lawyer, at the last minute he refused to give permission because deep down he can’t step away from the fraudsters. It’s like he’s become addicted to it.

His sisters and their children were furious with me as they felt I (and my siblings) could have done more which really upset me. It’s impossible. It’s like a drug they can’t let go of. In the end I had to let it go but it’s an absolute disgrace how these scum get away with it.

Because the account shutdowns are not instantaneous, there are many accounts on the go at the same time, and just when we think we are ahead of it all we find another email account that was already in play, or a new messaging app hidden in the hidden section of her phone. A lot of this is also being done somewhat remotely, and by guiding DFIL through steps as we are not super close geographically.

Thanks- it’s awful. It seems like it should be such a logical fix. Explains the situation, change the numbers and accounts- job done. Except it’s never ending. We’ve said dumb phones from now on or we’re out.

They are so clever these people - they just always seem to find a way! Good luck, I really hope it works for you

Obsession 100% the right word for it. Next time we talk I’ll suggest the kitten and see what happens!
Really hoping DFIL comes through on the dumb phone move. We can see traffic on her phone has dropped right off but not sure if that from blocking apps or phone swap.

Sounds very cyclical - if I understand this correctly, manages to contact them, sends them gifts, they send new contact details before their accounts are closed, she makes note of these and then next time contacts them on the new account?

I wonder if you could break the cycle by removing her from the situation - maybe taking her away for a week so she cannot access her devices/ the library? Thus giving time for the new accounts to be closed?

I see they're hopefully switching to dumb phones too - does she have any access to any devices at home? If so could you log in to the router and block websites through that?

Much as I massively sympathise with what you’re all going through, please don’t suggest a kitten for someone in cognitive decline. That’s really unfair on the cat.

I also don't know what it's like shops wise near them - it might be nigh on impossible - but do you know where she's buying the vouchers from? Could you speak to the store managers/ security guards and make them aware that she is vulnerable and being scammed, and ask them not to sell her gift cards? I appreciate this would only work if she lives somewhere with limited shops, and wouldn't work if she's has access to a large town/city.

Can you go there and put parental controls on the router? Restrict her access at that level?

I was going to suggest talking to the library people but I see you’ve done that.

also dumb phone but you’re on that one too.

good luck. My dad was targeted years ago although not to this level and it’s a nightmare.

I was going to suggest that, too. A nice holiday where you can ensure a complete break and "detox".

You shouldn’t put a kitten in this situation, they can live 15 years.

How cognitively declined is she really if she can set up multiple PayPal and gmail accounts?

I know an elderly gentleman near us was visiting our local corner shop to send money abroad daily as a result of being scammed, something was put in place which meant the shop had to say no to any more transfers unless his son was there with him to agree it (presumably POA?). I know you’ve spoken to the library already but once POA is in place it might be worth sharing with other places she visits to make it really clear they should not be allowing her to spend money there unless accompanied by a family member.

This sounds so hard and it must also be hard on your FIL that in her mind she is having an affair seemingly very openly even if everyone else knows it’s not real.

If you give the library her library card number - they should be able to put some block on her account

not all libraries, but many use library card for access to internet

Where does DFIL figure into this? Is she openly "having an affair" or so cognitively impaired that she doesn't remember she's married? (Assuming from your posts that they still are together! )

There’s two people in the household, one of whom is cognitively fine, plus involved family who could presumably take the cat if necessary.

How does your FIL feel about his wife (of presumably many years) thinking she is in love with someone else? Does that not on its own suggest some level of cognitive impairment?

Agree dumb phones are the way to go. Preferably pay as you go so she can't run up a huge bill texting internationally. I have seen enough of the scam interceptor type programmes to know that these scammers are never based in the UK, they are all in Ghana/Nigeria or India/Pakistan. The UK authorities like Action Fraud can do bugger all, except report to the local authorities. The police overseas might be doing all they can but as the OP says it's like whack a mole, shut down one operation and the next pops up. All you need to start a fraud like this is a laptop and a couple of phones.

I just avoided a scam attempt the other day, they got ridiculously close to nailing me, after I tweeted a company with a complaint. They are intensely good at what they do, though tbf it clearly doesn’t take much to get one over on me, I was briefly caught up in a romance scam too. Age UK may have more ideas, try their helpline?

My experience of cognitive decline in my family is that it’s not even. My relative was very capable in certain areas whilst losing all reason and capacity in others.

Your DFIL may never really get the extent of the impairment. Mine still doesn't, despite MIL being in a carehome and him going to a support group. He left her get very unkempt waiting for her to book things, etc.

This sounds far worse and more like my friend, who was forever falling victim to scams. She ended up with about 27 different insurances on her house and lost a lot of money over the phone. It was like a compulsion, so I definitely have lots of sympathy for you having to deal with this. You end up hypervigilent too, which is exhausting...

He is devastated. Compounded repeated decalarations she understand and won’t do it again only to be messaging them again later the same day.

Absolutely this. She comes across quite capable in a superficial sense but family say it’s like she’s not really there when they talk to her. On the surface all
ok but anything deeper and it’s clear there’s something going on

I’m sorry if this has already been said, but if they own their house, you might want to consider putting a flag on the land registry. Just in case she gets any really big ideas.

www.gov.uk/protect-land-property-from-fraud

Thanks for the reminder. We had talked with DFiL about putting the house in a trust. Will need to pick this up again.