to make it plain to df that if chooses to go back to his house we can help but can't run round after him constantly

[ohreallyIsee]

Had a shit month, my stepmum died just before xmas(had been in home with severe dementia for about 4 years), her funeral is this week. Df has endstage cardiac failure(surprised he's still with us) and has gone downhill a lot over last few months. He's still at home but myself and my stepbrother+sister have serious concerns about state of house and his ability to look after himself but he has been refusing all help(won't consider having carers or even a cleaner, no keys are or alert system). This week had to call an ambulance and he went into hospital, they wanted to discharge him yesterday but we've managed to persuade them to keep him til Monday.
We all think it's time for a home but we know he won't agree to that. House needs work before we're happy for him to go back(dangerous stairs, toilet not working properly, house filthy), so are we being unreasonable to say that if he insists on going back to the house we can help out but can't run round after him constantly, I work nearly full time in a stressfuljob, my stepsister has her own health problems and my stepbrother lives at the other end of the country. We're trying to get social involved but don't know if he'll co-operate

Wow I think she might win the most self centred on the thread award. No mean feat on this board.

Tell him he has option of care home or staying at home with carers & cleaner twice a week harsh but his choice

When they phone for “h your help” remind them you can get “ carers help” but you can’t do it each and every time and ask why are you being so stubborn?

He unfortunately does not have a fall alarm-won't have one.
During g a conversion with my stepbrother yesterday we realised that he has more money than he was letting on, my stepbrother let slip that his private pension is a lot larger than he has implied and I mentioned a savings account that my stepbrother knew nothing about, so we realised that actually instead of being on his bare bones he should actually be quite comfortable especially as the house is paid off.He had been implying that he was going to struggle to pay for the funeral and the wake when that won't be the case at all and he should certainly be able to pay for some help around the house

He's also still driving although we think he shouldn't be, I reported our concerns to the police and gp yesterday so we'll see what happens-i know he won't surrender his licence voluntarily.

We're all pissed off and feel like he's been playing us for fools so we're going to leave him to it, no more lifts, no more helping with paperwork, I'll do some shopping once or twice a week but when it's convenient for me, not when he demands

He's really shot himself in the foot with as he's gone from having a daughter and two step children who'd help out quite happily to us feeling used and resentful

If he has that much money then he will have to pay for any care package himself which is often the reason why people refuse care. They think it is too expensive and they want to save money when often it’s a false economy to refuse care that would help them to stay at home longer (and anyway what else would they be keeping if for??)

Well he's back in hospital and very ill. My stepsister went round yesterday, couldn't get a response so she and her daughter got in via a back window. They found in bed, he was difficult to rouse and confused. When the ambulance got there his oxygen was only 71 so he probably would have died if they hadn't broken in

I'm sorry to hear that @ohreallyIsee, that's less than a week from going home to having to be readmitted which really ought to make him realise that things will have to change. I will hope for your family's sake that he has a revelation about this, but experience suggests that he will recover and just decide to go home again.

We're really hoping things change, the local well being team discussed him in their meeting today after we raised concerns when he was discharged last week but unless he co-operates it's difficult. We're all medical(pharmacist, paramedic and retired nurse) and last week we kept saying that it was an unsafe discharge, that he really didn't have an understanding of how ill he was and wasn't really looking after himself although he thought was but they still discharged him. I'm going to see if I can speak to the ward social worker and go through all our concerns again. He's still going on about getting his car back on the road(he is unaware that I have raised concerns about his driving)

It's a difficult one, especially if he is plausible when speaking to the medical staff and SS. If they feel he has capacity then they can't/won't make a decision for him.

With my situation things were finally taken out of mine and my elderly parents hands when they were in late stage dementia and it was clear I was never going to cope. It took years for that to happen and I was at breaking point (only me and no one else to help).

You have to stand your ground and make it clear to the hospital you won't be around full time and the decision is theirs. I say this but I was too soft hence me reaching the end of my tether.

He is very plausible, he's intelligent but in total denial about the state of his health and ability to look after himself and his house is a mess. We've now discovered that the drains are blocked, we can't afford to get someone out but he can, we can help him organise it but he will have to pay

They really don't get it do they. Sympathies.

The trouble is that he would need to have some kind of diagnosis of a disorder of his mind or brain for the mental capacity act to apply at all. That is base one to displace the presumption of capacity that we all have under the act. If he doesn’t have such a disorder then he continues to have the right to make unwise choices including to take an unsafe discharge. The hospital cannot force him into a care placement or care package unless he agrees or is certified to lack capacity. It is not their fault that the discharge was unsafe it is his own responsibility if he is capacitous. You will need to ask for an assessment for dementia if you think he has that condition or suggest some other disorder of his mind or brain that the hospital can diagnose and would be affecting his judgement.