One crisis after another

[endofalongday]

I oversee the care for my elderly dad and for the past year (minimum) it’s just been one medical crisis after another. Tonight I’m just exhausted and I think my friend is right when she says I’ve developed a sort of trauma response. I’m always jittery or jumpy and if the phone rings at an unusual time, I leap on it. I feel totally stuck and wonder if this is common with ageing parents and caregiving?

For most of his adult life, my dad has had significant health problems (mostly heart) and even as a teenager I remember repeated visits to hospital. In the last 10-15 years he’s had 4 heart attacks, open heart surgery, cancer and now he’s got severe mobility issues and osteoarthritis. I’m 40 mins away from him but I’m the only family member nearby so every last bit of it falls to me.

In Aug he had a hip replacement and that required a 4 week rehab hospital stay so every night for a month I was up and down the motorway visiting. He got out and within 2 weeks had a really bad fall so a late night call had me zooming up to meet him and the paramedics en route to hospital. One month later he was admitted as an emergency with pericarditis and after a month in hospital, he was only home 4 days before he was admitted with a bowel obstruction. No joke but he was released last Friday and then in the early hours of this morning I got a frantic call and had to ring for an ambulance. Huge emergency and turns out he’s had a heart attack. It’s not just these 4 months but it just seems to have been this way for years.

No idea why I’m posting really just to say I feel permanently on edge and as though I’m planning around ‘the next big thing’. Is this just old age for him and the way it goes? Is there a way I can stop being so ‘hyper vigilant’ all the time?

I've had this with my father in the last 1.5 years of his life and with my mother for the last 5 years.Just back from a holiday where once again she was admitted to hospital.Every single time I have gone away in the last number of years something has arisen with one or other parent.

I am an only, so it all falls to me and I totally get the PTSD, especially regarding the calls.Hard as it may be you do need to take a step back for your own health.

My mother is mentally with it but in the end she had to reluctantly agree to go to a care home earlier this year after repeated hospitalisations.If your dad knows the burden on you he may similarly agree.Are you sure he's aware of the massive strain on you?

Mind yourself x

I had similar with my late mum who finally had multiple health conditions. She lived alone (very close to me) until aged 93. The last few years of that time were truly awful. She had a tiny amount of carer support as she believed she didn’t need more. I practically lived there though, being there several times a day. I also have a husband and 2 teens. At her age I was her only family left and she had 1 friend who visited occasionally. She certainly had cognitive decline if not dementia though not diagnosed. After a dire few days she was admitted to hospital with breathing difficulties, it was the 5th ambulance call out in 24 hours and I had the gp on at me for this, she just refused hospital until she was more or less forced to it. When recovered she did accept a care home (the residents were not living with dementia on her wing), the drs could not recommend her living alone any more, she would not move in with me and, realistically, it would have been a disaster pretty quickly. That was a massive relief although she was still very difficult but somehow I didn’t feel so responsible. When she was still at home I dreaded the phone ringing (which would happen repeatedly), I called it an instrument of torture. I can absolutely relate to the bone crushing exhaustion, the constant stress and anxiety, the absolute trauma of it. I remember crying when the gp phoned me about the ambulance call outs, asking what was I supposed to do. I was so close to collapse, in those last days while she was still at home I nearly crashed the car as she repeatedly phoned me (mobile, didn’t answer). Once she moved into care, rightly or wrongly, I had to back off as it was making me ill, mentally and physically. Those last few years were awful. She was deemed to have capacity to the end though I don’t think she realised the impact the set up was having on me, that finally I was struggling.

I just wanted to say I totally sympathise but it’s impossible to carry on like that. My mum died a few months ago, aged 95, having spent about 18 months in the care home, where she was properly cared for and had access to all her needs being met, we visited as often as possible and I was able to support my children through GCSE’s and a levels (1 doing each set this summer). The anxiety about her was still there, I still cried about it a lot but not to the same extent as when she lived close to me. It was a relief to know she was safe and properly looked after with access to support when needed. I’m still not completely recovered from those last few years caring for her.

Ah bless you, I can sympathise as am in the same situation. My DF has been in hospital this time since the start of Decemeber prior to that he spent a few months in a care home which I had imagined would reduce some of the staring on me, but ai was wrong. The phone calls didn't stop they were just from the care home or the social worker or his dementia team. Whilst he's been in hospital, I'm still on high alert. And it doesn't matter how many others are 'caring for him now, I still go daily as he needs me. I have to advocate for him, even whilst in hospital. I'm exhausted, upset, grieving. But cannot drop the ropes. I don't have an answer for you as regardless of practical help the emotional load does not disappear. I just face each day as it comes. Sending hugs and solidarity!

100% this….weve just been through this process with my dad…he has been assessed by OT,s physios etc and they have decided a Care Home for him which both him and I are pleased and relieved about….i 100% feel your pain…. Looking after my lovely dad for the last several years has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…..I would ask for…and take….any care for your dad you can….and the first 6 weeks of “ Respite Rehab” are free for you…good luck my love, his is beyond shit for you xx

Thank you everyone. It really helps to know others have gone through this. He’s had reenablement care once before but honestly, it was horrendous. It’s this horrible, dingy former hospital building and has a poor reputation locally. It was a mixed ward with younger/older people and he was next to a young man with mental health problems who kept yelling abuse at everyone. The site itself is due to be pulled down but right now they’re still sending people there. I’m open to other possibilities but it needs to be comfortable and clean. I won’t abandon him to whatever dreary situation the council thinks is suitable.

I imagine he’ll be in hosp for a while now and that will give me a break. When he’s reassessed, I’ll emphasise how much his needs have changed and I’ll see where we get to. I’ve also just signed up for Better Health and going to try and take a few sessions to address my ongoing ‘hyper vigilance’. I can’t live in constant fight or flight.

I know it's hard, but you need to think about doing less. Before you collapse, burn out or end up ill yourself and then you won't be able to do anything.

This will sound hard but am going through the same . If not life threatening I look at hospital stays as a chance to not have to do daily visits . They are having full care and if needed a phone call to staff or parent is fine .
Obviously if end of life etc then not the same .
BUT I feel I have done more than needed over years for ungrateful parents and if I’m not there at the end so be it .
Sounds awful but feel what I’ve done over the years is the important part.

Yes, I’m realising that. I’ve finally asked for local help from his church and they have very kindly put a visiting rota together. He’ll have someone popping in every day next week and then I can be available on the phone and will then visit at the weekend. I’ve also just registered for my first therapy session with an online therapy platform. I’m reading everyone’s posts here and realising that while I can’t fix the situation, I can do things to make it easier on me emotionally.