Christmas issue but possibly longer term implications

[sparklingtrees]

Hello everyone. This is my first post on this forum, and I’ve name changed just to avoid connections with other threads. Sorry this is a bit long.

My DPs are early/mid 80s and up til now have been pretty healthy, independent and cope well with little help. However they are slowing down and I’m seeing some changes eg unwillingness to drive further than just a couple of miles down the road. All understandable and in some ways I’m glad they aren’t trying to do things they aren’t confident with.

My DS and I are both in our 50s. I live - and have done for over 30 years - approx 5 hours away by car. DSis is around. 45 min drive from them. I’m very mindful that she may be concerned about the bulk of responsibility falling on her as DPs age, and want to do as much as I possibly can. I’ve started visiting more frequently, speak to them weekly on the phone (always have done) and generally keep in touch as much as possible.

An issue has now arisen which is bothering me and it relates to Christmas hosting. DPs have always hosted at theirs - they both like cooking and having everyone around them and for years we all gathered at their house on Christmas Day. For me and DS (and DH at the time although now divorced) this meant staying with them for several days. This continued until Covid broke the pattern and we couldn’t travel. Since then I have visited them either before or after Christmas, but been at home for Christmas Day, with DS (now a young adult), his girlfriend and my partner.

However, DPs continue to host my DSis, BiL and her two boys. I know that DS has suggested that they visit them during the day at some point but don’t stay for dinner as it’s too much work. DPs are resisting this.

What I don’t understand is why DS doesn’t offer to take them to her’s for Christmas dinner. If she’d visit them anyway, why not just pick them up, take them back for dinner and then either she or one of my nephews would take them back on Boxing Day? I know my nephews would happily do this as they are close to their grandparents.

I’ve contemplated offering to bring them home with me after a pre-Christmas visit but I know this would stress them out and my DM would start worrying in November about bad weather for travelling. She’d then start worrying about the return journey the moment she arrived. They also hate travelling on busy motorways and the journey back to mine involves a stretch on the M25!

I’m starting to get anxious about future years, particularly after we lose one of them. I’m worried about asking my DSis about this directly as it might look like I’m expecting her to take on more responsibility but it just seems like such a no brainer.

it’s worrying me as to how the future will unfold really. I fully intend to take on as much of the care as I can, particularly those things that can be arranged from a distance.

Any thoughts/advice/insight would be welcome! Thanks if you’re read this far.

@WalnutsAndFigs I think that's very thoughtful advice. Just to say, I would never, ever, raise the childcare issue with DSis. I only mentioned it here as it felt like a couple of posters were implying that the person who moves away goes onto live a life of Riley, free from any responsibilities. That has absolutely not been my life experience.

Point very much taken about not making suggestions to DSis re Christmas! Consider that idea binned.

@Taupeness that's a completely fair question, and to be honest if I'd never had a child it's probably exactly what I'd do. However, it would mean not seeing my adult DS. He loves his grandparents and tries to see them as much as possible, however for the last few years has worked in the emergency services and will often be working shifts at some point between Christmas Eve and Boxing Day so we time our Christmas lunch to suit.

I think someone mentioned that DSis sees more of our DPs than I do. At the moment that isn't really the case. As she is too far away to just drop in, she generally visits for a day around once a month. I visit every couple of months and stay for a few days at a time so we probably spend about the same amount of time with our DPs over the course of a year. Ironically, because I stay with them when I visit (a whole other thread....) I probably get more of an insight into how they are coping over the course of several days. I realise of course that this may change.

As the nearest to FIL everyone else thinks it’s easiest for us so we will catch everything, and they give us lots of helpful suggestions of how they think things should be done. Do what you can from 5 hours away, don’t tell your DSis what she could be doing or you will find she doesn’t call you her ‘D’Sis much longer. Saying you would do it if you lived where she lives doesn’t give you the right to pass this little nugget of wisdom on to her. If you’re that bothered about how things should be being done then move yourself and stop using an adult DS as an excuse. The only thing worse than ‘you should do xyz’ is ‘I would love to do it myself but the <crap excuse>’.