Sick to death of gendered assumptions/judgements around my care of DM

[bringincrazyback]

I just really need to get this off my chest. Elderly DM has Alzheimer's plus one or two physical health issues, and lives with me and DH. I wfh 4 days a week and my health is poor (chronic pain/fatigue mainly, though there are other things in the mix). This means that I need to rest a lot and can't always predict how my health will be from day to day. Not to the point where my mum's health/safety are compromised - her care is never neglected - but enough that I'm not able to do it all myself. So my mum has carers for an hour morning and evening to get her up/to bed and help with personal care. I do everything else.

DM has had a raft of appointments recently, doctor/dentist/podiatrist. Pretty much all routine/recurring stuff but not always with clinicians I've met before. And time after time I am seeing a look of puzzlement (sometimes tinged with judgement) come over people's faces, both male and female, when I tell them that although my mum lives with me, paid carers handle her morning/evening routines, most of her daily personal care and provide additional companionship alongside the time DH and I spend with her.

There are myriad reasons for this - it's mainly down to my work/health and the fact that my conditions make me pretty useless in the evenings which is when she needs the most support (she suffers from sundowning, where I never seem to manage to reassure her very effectively but the carers are markedly more successful with this). But also partly that left to her own devices she won't wash/brush her teeth/take care of herself generally and I just don't have the mental or physical bandwidth to address this, nor the time on work days.

I've seen the puzzlement-tinged-with-mild-judgement look numerous times over the past couple of weeks and it's grinding my every last gear now. This has been going on ever since I first put the regular care in place, including from the carers themselves on occasions. I'm already carrying a lot of guilt for not doing it all myself, and this really doesn't help. Pretty sure I'm not imagining it either - I've seen it happen often enough now. I also see it from friends/acquaintances sometimes if the set-up happens to come up in conversation. Ditto if it ever comes up that DM has her own separate living accommodation within the houser (by mutual choice including DM's, so we're not living all on top of each other 24/7) meaning that I'm not with her every waking moment as people seem to think I should be.

And what really pisses me off about this is that I seriously doubt there would be any puzzlement/judgement in the mix at all if I was a man. In fact, I'd be applauded for the simple fact of having DM to live with me. It's so tiresome the expectations that are still placed around women in this area of life.

Just to give some backstory, I've been caring respectively for my dad (now sadly passed) and then my mum now since 2017, not always single-handed, but I've always been where the buck stops, so to speak. No siblings. No family where we live now. Due to some of my mum's problems worsening (mainly extreme passivity to the point where she won't tell me or the carers when she is in pain/unwell in any other way or needs practical assistance) I'm not even sure how much longer this arrangement is going to be practical/safe for her even with carers in the mix. I'm trying to keep her out of a home as long as possible because I honestly believe she would just decide to die - she is an extreme introvert with social anxiety who most of the time doesn't really seem to want people around her at all. Since losing my dad she doesn't really have much will to live, I sympathise deeply and do what I can do keep her spirits up, but nothing seems to help much. She swears blind she isn't depressed, I personally think she is very deeply depressed (and has been since my dad passed in 2019) but she flatly refuses any suggestion of this or any treatment for depression.

I know none of this is DM's fault, and I'm aware gendered assumptions are far from being my main problem here, but I'm only human, I'll be 60 in a couple of years, I'm not well and there is only so much more of this I'm physically going to be able to do. And yet people judge me as a woman for not doing it all.

Apologies for the rant but it's 2025 and this issue is really not helping my mental health, and I figure aspects of this might be relatable to some on this board. Is it just me who thinks I wouldn't be getting any of this if I was a man?

It may be down to a lack of funding, etc. but I'm aware of two other wives who were being coerced into taking their husbands home without the necessary equipment being put in place.

One lady was promised a through lift for her husband : "Take him home first and then we'll put in the lift." They never did get the lift. In the end, she looked at paying for it herself, but he died first.

The second lady was promised a stairlift "...but take him home first."

Knowing what had happened to us [promise of handrails] and to the other lady, she refused until the stairlift was in place.

I'm not aware of the same happening to husbands whose wives had had a stroke.

Well, to try and explain a little around that, something I do realise is that HCPs have a duty to report possible signs of neglect, and that at present (as I always explain to said HCPs) my mum could be presenting as neglected because she is awaiting a denture and has very few teeth. I also, due to a combination of factors, wasn't aware until relatively recently of a foot issue that is now being addressed. These factors could be causing me to overthink things somewhat, as I do realise the HCPs have their job to do in this regard and that my mum could be presenting as not as well cared for as they would like, when the reality is I am always striving to make sure the boxes are all ticked, but it's been a learning curve.

I may be misinterpreting things, though, I agree.

That sounds awful and sadly is a scenario I've heard people describe many times, a friend of mine is now NC with a sibling who did nothing but make trouble while my friend did literally all the caring. It's bizarre what can happen to family dynamics at times like this.

If this is really happening and the people treating you this way are strangers I would imply you had a hugely demanding top job -head of financial services for big pharma, have to /travel regularly to the US -or something so obviously you cannot also care for your mum.
I think this would be accepted

I think you're probably right that it's more of a careless assumption, I tend to notice myself taking it personally but am battling that and reminding myself (as DH does too) that they're not aware of my own health issues or the full picture of why caring for DM has its challenges. In fact I have started to mention my own health issues recently in order to paint a fuller picture, I often forget tbh but I do realise it would probably answer the 'why isn't she doing it herself?' question a lot of the time.

My DH has made the same point as in your final sentence. I do wonder if it depends somewhat on the relationship between the carer and the cared-for - as you say, it's perfectly normal for someone who lives with their spouse to have carers coming in. I do wonder if I appear fitter and healthier than I am (or feel, most of the time 😄), hence why I've started to try and remember to mention my own health issues if it feels like they are relevant to the conversation.

Crikey, that does sound awful. It does make me feel thankful that when my dad was due to be discharged home for the final time the hospital was very careful about ensuring all the support was in place before they'd let him come home. I think that might have had a lot to do with DM's (evident even 6 years ago) frailty and the fact that I wasn't a named carer at that point, but I have to give them their due, they were amazing.

I rather like that idea! 😄Maybe telling them I wfh isn't helping!

Well, tbf you can't know for certain that no one's judging me, any more than I can, but it is helpful to hear people think it unlikely.

I addressed your first question - several of the clinicians my mum has seen recently and sometimes friends/acquaintances. I'm struggling to see the relevance of who's paying, and I'm not 'sharing her private information' beyond what is asked in the context of her medical appointments. Not really sure what you were getting at with any of that post.

Thanks for your kind words. 🙂

It might also be that they are surprised you managed you got your DM to agree to any care.

We're at the the stage where DM thinks we can do it all and Mil thinks there's nothing wrong with her (advanced dementia). DM's classic comment was "just make a bed up for her" after we've had 8 years of Mil refusing any help at all.

The HCPs I've met have all been very good at understanding how difficult it is. However, the NHS seems to live with an expectation that carers have infinite available time...

Blimey, you've had so much on your plate, I don't know how you coped with all that. The hospital's various turnarounds do sound rather telling of what they had assumed you would be doing. And I love these assumptions that women are free to just stop working if something happens. raises cynical eyebrow. That all sounds so stressful.

Hmm, I see what you're saying re getting her to agree. I'll give DM her due, I think she's been pragmatic enough to know she needs more help than I'm able to provide, and to give her her due again, she actively encouraged me to put the paid care in place. It's required some balance of expectations with reality, as her Alzheimer's means that she tends to forget about the costs involved when she's not actually looking at the figures, but it came as a massive relief (albeit a really sad moment) when she acknowledged she needed more help than I could give.

Totally agree re infinite available time!

I'm sorry you feel judged by health professionals. It seems strange to me as myself and my colleagues that I encounter (I work on the nursing bank so work across many specialities) are quite aware that carers are required for many reasons especially for people living with dementia or alzheimers. It sounds like you've come across some ignorant ones or when they say 'oh she has carers' that maybe she presents like she needs less assistance than she does? So it's more of a clarification of the level of assistance she needs rather than a judgement on your part?

It's hard to say but don't be hard on yourself for not doing it all, there is only so much one person can take on and you are doing so much for her already by supporting her and housing her.

I'm already carrying a lot of guilt for not doing it all myself
I think the issue is that YOU have considered that perhaps you ought to be able to do all this (you shouldn’t) but are then expecting other people not to consider the very same thing. And as for thinking they wouldn’t assume this of a man because he likely works full time out of the home; you work part time from home. That is why they (incorrectly) assume you can do more.

I get it, I totally get it. Someone with the same T shirt as you OP.

Mum required FTC. Three siblings, one with three kids and grandkids she looked after regularly. One F living away, one male. And me.... The single person with my own house, lived alone at the time. Full time job quite (very) stressful, and health issues of my own to deal with since a trip on the stairs cracked a spinal vertebrae. You can imagine who was elected as FTC can't you?

It's not that my siblings didn't care, but they said they were not in a position to do it because A, B, and C. So I was asked. I didn't have mum move in with me, instead we got full time carers for day time (family shared the cost), and I went down at night to stay over.

It was just accepted by the HCP that I would do it because A. woman, and B. single no kids. At no point was my brother asked, but my two sisters were.

After six months I lost the plot and very nearly lost my mind and my own health. Got mum into NH for respite and she never came out. Lived for another 18 years in a great place.

I was given the guilt trip too. I succumbed to it, but I rebelled in the end.

If it helps, remember that the one who would have suffered if you had tried to take on responsibilities you couldn't meet, would be your DM - getting the pros in is to keep her safe and well (as much as possible).

I try not to (!) but I do sometimes feel an... internal social pressure? I usually ask myself what I would think if Steve The Middle Manager were doing the same thing. (I used to work in a majority-male environment so I had plenty of real life examples:D). That's a useful perspective for me!

I'm a podiatrist and I would never judge any family members for getting home help. I actively encourage it. I see how hard looking after family members can be and know that if you don't don't look after yourself you aren't going to be in any fit state to look after an ill family member. Get all the help you need, carers, cleaners, people to come and sit with the ill family member so you can go out. The more help you have, the longer you will be able to cope. Also, you can't stop your own life either. Ignore anyone who judges you for this, they obviously have never looked after an ill family member themselves!

I can fully believe this - my very lovely mother in law likes to phone me when she has an issue 'because (son) is at work and I don't like to bother him'. We both work from home and his job is not particularly less interruptible than mine...
See also the assumption that mums will somehow either juggle their work round kids' hospital appointments regardless of how far away and inflexible they are, or give up work without any support unless child's condition meets certain criteria.

I would never ever have an elderly relative to live with me and as an elderly parent I hope I would never do that to my adult children.
So you’re doing better than me. And I’ve been a nurse for 35 years.

Thanks for your kind words. And, to be fair, the clinicians and carers who have helped my mum have mostly been lovely (including the ones who can't seem to get their heads around the set-up 😄). I wouldn't want my OP to have come across like I was slating them generally. It's just that this specific question has been asked a relatively high number of times recently and is starting to rub quite raw, so to speak, especially as I do feel I'm detecting a gendered element to the question sometimes.

One of the carers in particular, although she is very good with my mum, is newish to the job so may not have encountered a set-up like ours yet. And some people may indeed be asking questions for the reasons you mention here, especially as she has a tendency towards what DH and I privately refer to as 'game face', i.e. she tends to make more effort to seem 'together' when there's a third party present - when it's just us she's far more apathetic and uncommunicative for more of the time, sadly.

Interesting pov. I've just realised I should have clarified, I don't tell people I work p/t, they just know I work. But I definitely do think my work is taken less seriously because it's done from home; in fact, when the care arrangement was first set up the carers were constantly calling questions up the stairs (3-storey house and my office is on the top floor, so as you can imagine, this really wasn't viable!) and it turned out the office had said something along the lines of 'just ask bcb if you have any questions, she works from home'. Concentration is very much a factor in my work, but at least we've managed to reach a compromise that the carers now ring my mobile if they have a question. There has, however, also been a number of instances where the care office has decided to send a complete stranger out with no briefing because after all, bcb works from home, she can show them the ropes, right?😖It does seem generally that the combination of being a woman and wfh leads to a lot of people not taking the work seriously, I'd definitely suggest far more than is the case for men.

Absolutely. At least I never had to juggle kids and work as I don't have kids! 😄

Re the 'I don't like to bother him at work', MIL used to do this too (most of my career has been spent wfh), until DH also started wfh and she started ringing him direct, which I found interesting on various levels. 😄