Just burst into tears having dropped Mum at care home for respite

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My Dad had not been coping at being Mum’s main carer so have sorted some respite care for two weeks.

Dropped her off this morning and have been in and out over the day and just want to go and get her and bring her home.

Not sure how well they’ve read the care plan or if I should have been more bolshy about the care plan but she managed to spill a whole cup of tea over herself as she needs a beaker. I’m not sure why my Dad didn’t ask for a beaker after lunch mind you and make sure they knew. But he’s all in a muddle and exhausted, hence the need for respite. We did press the call bell and it took a little while for someone to come.

She’s so vulnerable and I’m just going to be worried the whole time she’s in. She’s not one for falls normally but worried without the focussed care she might be, she’s blind so can’t always see what she’s doing and is not very mobile at all so falls aren’t usually a major risk.

Feels absolutely terrifying that we can’t get good care even paying what we are paying through the nose for this place.

I am possibly over thinking as it’s been less than 24 hours. And I should know what care homes are like and not be unrealistic about levels of care that are likely from other relatives. I think I kept telling myself she would be safe and now I’m not sure she will be.

I’m going back later to get her settled into bed but then worried my daughter is going to start freaking out I’m not at home. The prospect of 2 weeks juggling normal life and intense care home visiting is also bringing me straight back to when Mum was in hospital and that nearly broke me.

Not sure why I’m posting really - probably asking for some ‘buck up’ messages and also any tips for making sure all the staff are aware of what Mum need at least to prevent anything dangerous.

Sorry if it has already been mentioned OP.
If you are worried about mum getting to and finding the bell does the home have alternative like the wrist watches that you press the front on for the call / help button. My mum had to have one of these as they deemed it safer as she would not always be able to find the one on the cable near her bed

This does but my mum is notoriously fussy about the top of her socks so I think I’ll just stump up for some more socks if needed. Very glad there’s nothing more obvious!

I’m going to sort something like this, and also some cards with some kind of bumpy bits on that mum can use to communicate if needed. Her voice is getting worse and more faint all the time sadly so will be potentially useful back at home. I’m glad you have some respite for your child - family carers go through it don’t they?

I’m so sorry you’re feeling weepy and your DD hasn’t been able to have her little bit of independence for a while (and you a rest).

Disability bashing feels very personal for me both because of Mum but also my Aunt had complex autism and things got so much better in the 1990s-2010 and have just been falling of a cliff since then. Family carers do so much and there are so many complex needs out there it feels very hard. Thanks so much for your good wishes and sending you all good wishes back.

she has one to go round her neck and I’m just super paranoid they’ll ensure it is within reach when she goes to sleep, that’s my nightmare that she can’t attract attention overnight. I’m going to be brave as advised and have done my visit today and will let them see her into bed tonight (and hoping my Dad doesn’t hang around for ages too!)

Thank you for your lovely response OP. I hope you had a good rest and that your mum is doing well

Respite care needs to be a break for everyone. I would suggest leaving your DM be for a few days and perhaps visiting with your DF later in the week. The care home would have established a care plan based on your DM's needs. If when you visit, you feel that she isn't being looked after, the speak to the manager. It will be an unsettling experience for your DM but it won't help any of you if she is constantly having visitors. I wish you well.

I 'abandoned' my elderly parent (their words) and after a few days, they settled and really enjoyed all the attention. It took me a while to stop worrying too, but as I went overseas for my respite, I couldn't visit. It did me the world of good.

It may be that I was just lucky to find a really good home.

How are things OP? 4 days into the respite and hopefully you and your DF are feeling some benefit?

I was just like you when my DM needed to go into respite as DF was on his knees with exhaustion despite me going into see them 3 x week and sorting all their life admin, including all stuff needed for DM and DM having carers visit 4 x day. (Doubly incontinent, can't walk so in bed/on sofa/in wheelchair, has dementia, Type 1 diabetic) My stress levels were high enough but when I saw her blood sugar readings within the first few days of being in the home and the nursing staff not acting confidently in what levels of insulin to give her so they would called the Doctor, I was fit to be tied.

She's subsequently been in for respite twice now. She's disliked it, won't leave her room but doesn't absolutely 'hate' it. And I've realised that worrying about it, to the point of not being able to sleep wasn't helping anyone so I've backed off a lot; taken time out to help with my own mental health that has been severely effected by it all and have just accepted it for what it is. My DF definitely benefited from the rest, although he did miss her an awful lot.

You can't pour from an empty cup and don't set yourself alight to keep someone else warm. Hard to take on board and it will go against the grain, but if you're going to get through this, you need to take the opportunity to rest.

Aw thanks to everyone checking in. She is coping I would say, I had a break from visiting yesterday which did me good but I am going in most days to keep her spirits up.

I think overall it is a good home, but just because of the needs and the number of people they can’t give her her bath in the morning and little things that make her almost non existent quality of life better aren’t happening in there.

On the better side of things though my Dad is having huge sleeps which must be restoring him. He does the vast majority when Mum is home though so I am taking the hit with the visiting now and then am already planning a few nice things for me when it’s all finished and she’s home.

I am slightly counting the days until she’s out but if we do it again I’d have way more idea how to go about things and what to have in place to make the transition easier - many of which were inspired by ideas on here so thank you to everyone who has commented.

It is so hard isn’t it? I was an absolute mess when I first posted and it has got better as all you say about restoring yourself is true. I’m still semi regularly seeing a counsellor as family caring is so BRUTAL I think it’s impossible to not have some impacts on your mental health. I’m constantly going round in circles with the counsellor about what is needed for me to lead on - ie forcing the issue of respite with my parents and what is OK to have a boundary about. I don’t think there’s a perfect balance but it does help to talk about it.

I do hope you manage to find the balance with your own Mum and Dad.

I'm sorry you're all going through this terribly difficult time. Has your mum worked with Speech and Language Therapy or an Electronic Assistive Technology service on communication aids or environmental controls? May be useful, especially as her condition progresses. I go to various nursing homes a lot. They aren't perfect, but there are a lot of kind people working in them, and your dad had to have a rest. Take care x

We briefly had a carer for my mum. Eye opener. We were told the carer was not to be disturbed between 10pm and 8am as their sleep very important and they had to have a 2 hr break in the day. Worked out the same cost as a care home, where you get 24/7 care.

the arrangement didn’t last long !

This is really helpful, SALT have been involved but for voice exercises. I think her voice has got worse so need to look at the next stage and Dad is going to kick that off again, very interested in possible electronic things. It must just be a nightmare for Mum having capacity but not being able to communicate.

Just as an update to this whole thread, unfortunately my instincts originally were correct.

Level of care hasn’t been great in my opinion. Mum has now got the start of a bedsore again which is almost definitely because they’re not doing her personal hygiene properly. This is according to her regular carer who I asked off the record for advice - and trust as she sorted them out the first time it happened. She can’t believe it. Many of the carers in the home are lovely but there just aren’t enough staff to cover the needs of the residents IMO. Mum didn’t get enough breakfast one morning she said which seems pretty basic to me (she needs help with eating).

I wonder if I just chose the home badly as they can’t all be like this? If she ever has to go into one again I know a lot more about what to ask.

But it’s more pressure back on my Dad without this being a good option for a break in the future and now there is even more of fear of care homes for both Mum and Dad.

I will have a rest when she’s out but I’m on my knees as have been going round and checking on her so much and doing quite a lot of the care as well.

I don’t think anyone should be treated like this if they’re paying or not but also feels like a huge amount of money to have spent (well over 3k) for what’s happened.

The only good thing is that my Dad has managed to catch up on sleep, seen a few friends. Which I hope long term will be beneficial.

I'm sorry to hear it's not been good enough. There is variability in the quality of care homes, so I wouldn't give up hope that you'll find somewhere that you can trust for regular breaks. The cost is incredible, isn't it.

At a later stage, there may be the option of short respite stays in hospice, where care is typically of a very high standard. These facilities are very rare, though.