Handling relatives when DM is on a mental health ward

[orangemapleleaves]

Not sure how to handle this. My DM is currently in a mental health ward with dementia. A lot of it is also severe anxiety and depression.

I know from what she's said to me that she hates people seeing her like this, hates being confused, hates what she's become and is very frail and anxious.

Today when I got there she had a cousin visiting. I could see from the visitor's book that she'd been there for 1.5 hours. She said she'd be back for "another shift" next Saturday.

Mum looked utterly exhausted and went straight to bed afterwards, in tears, saying she felt very bad.

I messaged the cousin and said it's lovely she visited but mum is too unwell for visitors so she doesn't need to come again next week. I was polite but I also feel it was really insensitive - this cousin hasn't visited her at home and is not regularly in her life at all, so why is she now assuming a weekly visit is a good idea? And why stay for so long?

My sister has told me that "I have to remember this is sad for a lot of people" and implied I'm being unreasonable for trying to set a boundary.

But I know from talking to mum that she is in no frame of mind for small talk. It's like people want to cheer her up or distract her and it's not what she wants. I feel like it should be immediate family only at this point, but is that unreasonable of me? We are only allowed to visit her in the morning so it already feels like we have so little time with her.

The way to do this is to speak to the consultant on the ward about your mum being too frail for visitors or to limit the time and number of visits. You can’t really bar other relatives without causing a family rift.

Actually I disagree, nurses are running the show not the consultant who is barely there.

I'm not barring relatives - I asked her to reduce her visits to 20 minutes because almost two hours is far too long for someone who hasn't been around for years - there's really no relationship in which to cause a "family rift" anyway.

Mum broke her hip last night falling out of bed so my instincts to limit her interactions with random relatives were correct, particularly as when I got there yesterday this woman was attempting to drag her out to the dining room in a very undignified way.

She's now being transferred to a major hospital for a hip replacement so won't be there next Saturday for a visit anyway.

Distant relatives need to realise that there is a time and a place for long, chatty hospital visits and it's not when someone is on a mental health ward with leweys body dementia and their immediate family are dealing with their imminent loss, alongside limited visiting hours, demanding jobs and children, knowing each visit could be their last. Why on earth would someone insert themselves into that situation?

I am not going to hold the feelings of someone that clueless too closely.

Bit of a rant but honestly!!

Thats very sad that nurses are running the show. The state of the NHS! There should be at least one on duty consultant 24/7 (more if it is a large ward)

I did read your updates, and you did piss off the cousin.
That could be the start of a family rift.

I agree the cousin is clueless and should not have been tiring out your mum. But my advice of talking to the staff in charge (concerning it’s only nurses), I do think is the best way to avoid family drama. And you agreed with the earlier poster who said the same suggestion as I did, so I am putting your response down to stress, grief and overwhelming emotions.

I do sincerely hope your mum’s surgery goes well

It's not the NHS. I don't find it sad that nurses are running the show either - that's kind of what nurses do, doctors rely on them to manage patients on a day to day basis. Not going to get in an argument about that though.

As I said, there's no deep family connection with which to create a rift. I don't think I've seen this woman for twenty years. If she was pissed off at me politely drawing a firm boundary, so be it. I'll probably see her once again in my lifetime.

Thanks for your good wishes. I am off to take my dad to the hospital now.

Do what's right for your mum OP. Frankly, people who couldn't be bothered to see her when she was well but feel entitled to see her when she's like this can get fucked.

Hope you're okay and have some support x

Id be tempted to say very coldly "mum doesn't enjoy your visits cousin, because she can hardly remember who you are"

And I am really sorry to hear about her hip.

Oh no, that’s sad news about the hip, I hope they get the replacement done quickly.

You could always omit to let the cousin know about the hospital move (because why would random people be kept in the loop?!) and see if she turns up at the first hospital despite being told to cut her visits out!

Thanks that made me laugh. I do have support thank goodness.

That would be incredibly petty.

But my memory is not the best at the moment so it may well slip my mind to let her know

That's very sad that nurses are running the show. The state of the NHS! There should be at least one on duty consultant 24/7 (more if it is a large ward)

Goodness, that's what nurses do!
They run hospital wards and departments.

Consultants are on-call only, apart from ward rounds. There are probably five or six different ones with patients on a ward. They wouldn't take a ward each!

I don't think you understand how hospitals work @SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

The nurses will know how their patients are, on a daily basis. They decide about visitors.

Just popping into say, OP, that my DM was also in MHU for seven months and broke arm. Then hip in care home subsequently.
At the hip break DM was so frail I thought she was going to die and nurse suggested next 24hrs were crucial. Immediately after operation when I saw DM at allowed visiting, I have no idea what happened but her lucidity came back for one whole visit. She knew who I was and asked me how I’d been. A real
golden hour. Never ever repeated but I dint know if the constant oxygen helped. Sending you good wishes for similar outcome.

So sorry to hear your update. Hope your DM is doing better.

Also @SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice Nurses are meant to be running the units. It is their job.

Mum5Net how lovely that you and her that you both had that hour. It's such a horrible time watching someone being robbed of pretty much everything by dementia but there are some loving moments in there too.

But how awful to break both hip and arm. It's bad enough with the mental health issues without adding breakages.

Part of me wants to get really angry and write emails complaining but I also wonder if it's worth the energy. She's out of surgery and arguing so that's a good sign.

Same thing with my mum as though the anaesthetic had brought her back but yes only lasted a short time.

Oh gosh @orangemapleleaves that is so tough. Only you can decide but it might be time to save your strength and unless you are going to get outcomes that you need out of the emails leave it until you have more in the tank. Your poor mother and you too. It is very difficult.

With the breakages we didn't take it up. DM could be quite stroppy with her dementia and was prone to outbursts, albeit she was tiny and frail. I think it goes with the territory. (With her dementia she also picked off four arm plaster casts in a week. Every day i came to see her she had a new colour - the A&E was fortunately next to the MHU and gave her the child cast colours...)
My only advice @orangemapleleaves is to find the black humour in all of this to get you through. Basically the roller coaster you've been on is coming to a stop. No one knows if there is a new one to ride or if this is the last stop. Sending you loads of support. It is so hard but you do come out the other side.

@Mum5net This is exactly what i needed to hear, thank you. I agree that black humour is the saving grace.

If she doesn't want visitors or only wants certain ones that's perfectly reasonable. Hopefully she will get the message but could one of the nurses basically ask her to leave after X amount of time, (discussed with your mum previously) under the premise of a therapy session or some other medical treatment?

@orangemapleleaves How are things going now? Hope a little calmer.

@Mum5net I went to see her tonight, she was asleep though.

She hasn't really moved much yet and had the hip replacement a week ago.

We've gone from thinking she'll be stabliised and go home, to planning for her to go into care, to now wondering if she'll get back on her feet at all. And to think in August we took her out for dinner! Feels unimaginable now, she's either awake and distressed or heavily asleep. Not eating much either.

Still too many people showing up for visits and I think the nurses may have said something today. It doesn't help her at all.

The doctor did say a fall can be 'catastrophic' and I'm starting to see what he meant. I could be wrong but tonight for the first time I felt like she was no longer really with us. It's very sad.

Gosh, that’s really sad to read.
The MHU wasn’t ideal, but it was still better than how she was coping at home. Now the ward team has to move her on as best they can, and you’re facing the reality that she’s much frailer — a new version of your DM. The accident has simply sped up that shift, leaving you even less time to process the anticipatory grief, even though you’re now aligned with the medical team.
Hopefully the nurses will help bring the visitors up to speed. I really feel for you. It's territory I know well.

Oh dear, your update isn't very cheerful.
I'm really sorry.

Thanks. I was feeling quite gloomy when I wrote that. We do at least have more visiting time now she's in the rehab ward so I can go in the evenings or first thing. I did get a good hour alone with her recently and she said at the end that it was nice to see me and I'd answered a lot of her questions which was really nice. You are right @Mum5net that she wasn't coping at home. It's all heartbreaking territory and I'm sorry you know it too. but thanks for commenting, it does help.