Did we expect the Thursday Murder Club?

[NineteenForever]

I'm pretty sure our family have had some unrealistic expectations here, but feel free to chime in.
One parent is independent, pretty fit, almost 80. The other parent has a degenerative physical and cognitive disease and just went into a nursing home for a bit of a break recently. Even though they don't really 'do' anything at home, they do go to a day centre twice a week with activities like bingo, card games, and jigsaws, which they enjoy. They can't follow TV anymore. Ultimately, however, this parent needs a full-time nursing home.

The respite place had two rooms of residents, with staff helping them out (drinks, toilet, etc.) and TVs on. The parent staying for respite said it was very boring because nothing was happening, and honestly, when I visited, it looked like hours of just nothing. My active parent was worried, so they brought the other parent home early. ( I accept it's easier to do nothing in your own home than elsewhere)

So, my question is, are there any homes that offer more stimulation? I get that a lot of residents aren't up for it and funding is tough, but do we have to accept that's the environment they'll spend their remaining time in? (Self funding is not an option bar a small contribution)

Dunno but replying to keep this active as I’d like to know. Also, what was the food like?

I think u would have to pay for somehere better. My nan did this. The place was wonderful so much going on and things to do. People came in to keep the entertained. But it cost a fortune. These things cost money sadly

Yes probably the spendier homes are better for activities as they sell themselves to people whose level of need is lower.

That, or there are specific homes which turn out to be better than others. Keep asking around?

The puddings went down well and the 'never eats breakfast' parent ate porridge!

Yes, I’ve known two like this. One an elderly relative chose to move into when she became too frail to manage at home. The other I volunteered in.

The crucial difference though was that both were residential care rather than nursing and so the majority of the residents would be paying to be there and probably chose to be there. Rather than waiting to be so in need of care social services would fund them.

Activities ranged from the local school choir coming in, toddler group meeting there, craft, board games, charades, quizzes, speakers, religious services, choir, a daily news round up with the papers, book club, gardening, visits from organisations eg with small animals/mini zoo.

I've been to visit a fair few homes now and the activities vary hugely from the one that had a tiny activity room displaying drawings of the Queen's jubilee 8 months after the event to one that had a choice of activities morning and afternoon. The best activity wise was quite large but split into 5 sections, each with it's own facilities, and residents could go to activities in a different section. Mum likes word games, quizzes and singing but so many just seem to have seasonal colouring in and a visiting singer once a month.

My mum’s care home (social services funded) had some sort of activity organised in-house every weekday afternoon, plus visits from outside organisations fairly frequently. I learned to visit at the weekends to avoid getting roped into karaoke or craft afternoon or whatever!

My mum has been in a private care home twice

The activities weren't particularly well used. People aren't well enough. The maximum engagement I've seen lasts about half an hour. So it's a massive expense and you have no idea how much engagement you'll get anyway.

I don't think it's a reasonable expectation of a state funded care home.

mum was last in a couple of years ago and to be quite honest if I went back, I would be surprised if some of the activities were still on offer because take up was so low.

basically by the time you've got to a facility, watching TV is as good as it gets I think. And mum was in better shape than most of the people in for respite.

just editing to add - the lady in charge of activities was absolutely lovely. She came up with lots of creative things. But the engagement just cannot be there because fundamentally people are in any kind of care facility because they're not up to doing much in the way of activities. It actually seems to me to be a bit unreasonable to expect more. It's not like a home for people who are just maybe a bit older.

Wasn't Thursday murder club a retirement home? That's not a valid comparison to respite care.

Thank you for the comments ( reference to TMC was tongue in cheek...)

My DF has just moved into one for physical rather than dementia reasons (nursing care, it is a home which take both state funded and self-funded residents). We are very new to it all but there was a big board with all the week's activities on, their social media show lots happening too and you can see in the photos that there are quite a lot of the residents engaged in all the various things, families are invited too. I think it would be worth researching other homes, they do seem to vary.

Often the more expensive homes do better with activities I think.

My FIL is in a nursing home not UK but anyway.
We pay a nurse student to visit him twice a week. They have a cup of tea and talk, he can have an extra shower, they go for a walk, they play a game, they look a old pictures, they go buy a Christmas present for a grandchild or new socks (with thecwheelchair) - whatever he can and wants. He has dementia but enjoys the compagny.

The home does a few things but most of the resident aren't well enough to join.

We relocate at December and we will be able to spend more time with him but most likely ask the student nurse to continue.

My Mum’s care home cost about £5,000 per month. They had activities every morning and afternoon. On Fridays they had mum’s and toddlers come in and they did singing and action singing with the residents and toddlers. On Sundays a vicar came in for an hour or if unavailable they would watch Songs of Praise. Activities included, painting, craft, knitting, bingo, quizzes, etc. We were very happy with the amount of activities on offer. As others have said, you probably get more if you pay more.

For my MIL I thought the activities mainly benefited my PIL as it broke up the visit, but maybe she got more out of them than I realised.

They do take my mum to some activities, she showed interest in the snake day (used to study zoology).

Family friend has been in a care home for several years now. It is very good and there are activities, usually themed around events like Easter, Valentines Day, etc etc. They have entertainers coming in regularly too and outings from time to time. Friend used to attend quite a lot of these but is now pretty much bed-bound and hoisted for all transfers, so barely leaves his room. It is quite expensive but he was previously in another home with virtually no activities but wasn't all that much cheaper. (That one closed hence the move).

Yes, you are probably expecting too much.

Your relative has cognitive and physical difficulties and was in a nursing home, not a residential home. It's a relatively high needs environment and many of the residents are unable to participate in activities.

My mother’s dementia care home had various entertainers coming in, and craft mornings most days. They also had outings for residents who were able/interested. But despite that, there is a lot of ‘down time’, mainly because that is what the residents need.

You have to look at it from the point of view of the needs of the person going into the care home. It is a culture shock but you get used to it.

I have a relative with a degenerative condition who has been in a council nursing home for five years. There are activities and trips out and visiting reptiles and furries etc plus crafts but I am not sure how frequently. They do take her clothes shopping probably once a season. They have the radio on a one of the shared spaces which I liked and a garden to look out on. tv in own room. A film afternoon on another.

Relative is very limited in how she can participate but also disease free would be very sociable and loves animals so when I visit I take our dog and phone in advance to arrange her carer (she has a 1:1) to come out on a walk with us. This works well and she enjoys and I am glad to get her out and about for an hour. I would hope someone would do this for me if I end up in care because the staff are focussed on the routine detail and on group things and obviously that’s most important but the monotony and lack of personalisation and minimal
change of scene scares me.

So I think my suggestion is for family to facilitate
or arrange little trips out for a coffee, look at a view etc visit a relative for a quick cup of tea while
possible for normality’s sake.

depending on ability/mobility, if you can I would pay for a weekly companion to visit too, as suggested they take him out or just spend a couple of hours one to one chatting and doing an activity with him. Even cheaper you advertised locally (and got them dbs checked) you would probably find an aspiring doctor in yr 12/13 it is quite difficult to get work experience in this field so may suit someone.

DM used to work here, Elliscombe Park, Somerset which is bit
more like Thursday Murder Club. Spendy though!

DM used to work here, Elliscombe Park, Somerset which is bit
more like Thursday Murder Club. Spendy though!

DM was in a residential home. She did have dementia. Only entertainment was every other week a singer would go in. Food was very good. This was the only one that had room for her. Couldn't stay at home as she kept falling over.

After she broke her hip was sent to a nursing home. My god the difference. Entertainment was 3 times a week.
At weekend they had a singer. Food was not just good but fantastic except DM couldn't eat.
The difference in care was an eye opener.

My dad was in 2 residential homes. Both had at least 1 activity every morning and afternoon (chair exercises, quizes, news discussion groups, films, crafts, gardening, board games), a trip out at least once a month, and a couple of visiting things a month (could be local school singing, therapy dogs or similar). There were also various lounges - 1 with TV, board games, and staff available for chats; one with animals,; one set up like a 50s diner with snacks and music; a quiet lounge; and a sensory room.

Not all the daily activities were available to - or suitable for - residents in the dementia and nursing wing but most of the vising groups went in there and I think there was at least 1 activity a day (often singing or reminiscence type things).

It can vary massively. My mum is in a home specialising in dementia care , they employ 'lifestyle coordinators' and activity organisers and there's lots going on all the time. My dad was in a nursing home and wouldn't have been able to access activities but the staff base was very very different and it felt somewhat stuck in a much older style of care. Mums home also has a high proportion of self funders whereas dad's was solely council so that makes a big difference to what they can achieve. Also, it could be your relative didn't want to participate, they can't make people do things just to make the partner happy with the perceived level of care x

My late grandmother’s nursing home was fantastic, loads going on. But it was £95k a year.

Another very wealthy relative was at a TMC worthy place but that was even more money, literally spent millions on it during her time
there.

I think what is on offer for mere mortals is usually a bit underwhelming sadly.

In our experience it is very variable and not linked to cost. One parent in an LA/NHS funded setting - superb activities, including new clubs, arts, baking, kareoke etc. Another parent in an expensice self funding home where the grounds are lovely, food is good and alcohol served - but activities are limited. All you can do is look around. It is often luck of the draw.

They vary a lot, we look after 6 through work (providing church services) and whilst we are welcomed in for some we are the only outside people they see (we sing hymns and offer communion if they wish, it’s well attended including by staff who can’t get to church themselves due to shifts) other homes have several activities each week by outside people including singers, chair aerobics etc