Stark realisation that my parents have always disliked me.

[BlueLegume]

Just that really. I have had several threads covering a very difficult few years with my elderly parents and had a great deal of support to help me navigate it on here.

I have stepped right back recently and reflected on my relationship generally with them over my whole life. My overriding take away is that they have never really liked me, I have always been a disappointment to them. For the record they have told me how much of a disappointment I am many times. Not pretty enough, not clever enough - simply not enough.

This really makes me think why I have striven so hard all my life for their approval. It might be in the wrong thread but I can see now what a slog life has been trying to get a tiny bit of approval from them.

I’m so very sad to read this. Thinking of you. I have come to a quite similar discovery myself recently, so I feel your pain, which resonates through your writing. In a way it doesn’t matter though. Your worth is proven through your deeds, not through their opinion of you. What do you think of yourself? That, after all, is what matters. Love to you x

@LaLoose thank you. I know I am a decent person. My close family know I am and concur that my parents are the problem. They were a ‘golden couple’ always the most attractive, always decked out in fancy clothes, fancy cars, bespoke everything in the house but frankly never actually satisfied with life. I wonder if having a plain and ordinary daughter in me was something they struggled with. I am good with who I am after a long time of trying to do something, anything they would actually acknowledge as being positive. I think there are many of us in this position.

Plain and ordinary are your words though. I say this gently and with love. People who strive and change and attempt to ‘improve’ - as you describe your parents - are unhappy people. I remember once realising that my mother had installed two new kitchens at a newish home and it was quite a shock. You are happy with yourself. Nothing is to be gained by confronting them (awful word for an often mistaken action). It’s just horrible to realise. I’m so sorry x

I think you just have to make your peace with it. You now know. Love to you.

@LaLoose plain and ordinary were actually my mothers words - over and over again. She just couldn’t accept that someone like her ended up with someone like me. I am good with it now but sad a mother would judge her daughter so harshly.

I think you need to reframe that. I feel sorry for your parents, that they were unable to embrace who you are and enjoy it. That their need for outward recognition has limited their ability to delight in you, however you are.

There must be a massive hole in their self esteem if they need to fill it in such a shallow way. I wonder what their upbringing was like. I suspect they never had approval themselves, so have never learnt to give it. Which led to them missing out completely on a wonderful relationship with you.

Have they ever helped you financially?

You’re right that there are many.

But I don’t know why you feel any compunction about returning their compliments in kind. They are awful people and terrible parents.
I would use the same tone of voice as they do to incredulously ask “Instead of me being a load of shit, why don’t we talk about how absolutely dreadful you are instead, and I get the chance to rubbish every aspect of your life and character for a change. Or is it that you can only give it- and are a complete baby about hearing how other people see you?”

I am sorry OP. I always find it sad when parents speak to their children like this and treat them so poorly. Unfortunately it’s not rare which is why I hate how people act like children who walk away from toxic parents have did something wrong.

It sounds like your parents are projecting their inner dissatisfaction into you. You’re basically the scapegoat they blame for their failure to be fully satisfied or at peace despite all their material possessions.

The truth is even if you were exactly like them they’d still find fault with you. The real issue is staring them in the mirror and they probably know that deep down.

@Laundrywitch not sure it is a relevant question with regard to my original post but no they have not helped me financially because I would never have expected them to. Left school at 17 went into full time work saved for a deposit and have been financially independent all my life. If I misunderstood let me know but I don’t see the relevance.

Did they make great achievements in their lives?

@YelloDaisy they have never left the very small town they were born in. I won’t judge them on achievements as it doesn’t really make sense to me.

I know people like this. Everything in their lives is glamorous but they are never satisfied, always pursuing some new acquisition that might make them feel temporarily okay. To have an 'ordinary' child who is happy with life seems to frustrate and embarrass them. I've often thought the embarrassment isn't just about the lack of bragging rights their child offers them but because the child has discovered how to be content with life in a way that shows them up as superficial.
It's not your job to please them or give them bragging rights. You just have to live life on your own terms.

You have something they never had. You have empathy and you know the value of others. That is a lot.

I can see how painful it is but another way to reframe this might be that they simply didn't know how to express their love for you - without anxiety and concern. Parents often behave badly but often not out of dislike - just being crap parents. Still very hard on you though.

I meant do they just strive for superficial appearances or have they been v successful in their careers and received honours for the work they do for charity.
if the first then their opinion of you is v shallow

@YelloDaisy oh definitely everything is/was superficial-top of the range everything in a normal 3 bed house. Ridiculously fancy clothes etc. all for show and outward appearance.

They sound awful. And you don’t owe them anything. Are you low contact with them? Also just wondering if you have any siblings, and if so, what are your parents like with them?

Op when I realised in my mud 30s that my mum never loved me, it freed me. It was a very specific conversation. She actually said it and then tried to take it back. But I knew that it was true and that all the years when I had thought it, I was right. And therefore whatever I did, whatever I achieved, she wouldn't be satisfied. It would never be good enough.

I was able to take a step back and view my mother as an older woman whom I would never choose to have a close relationship with and act accordingly. It really did liberate me. I hope that you are able to find your peace knowing what you do about your parents.

They may not have any love for op. It took me a long time to realise some parents really do not love or even like their children. As shocking as that might sound to healthy parents. Unthinkable but true, it is one of the last taboos.

Op how do you manage their dislike of you?

Have you considered why being beautiful is so important to them? Why being glamorous matters so much?

It is worth looking at why for your own benefit (not theirs) I would imagine your mother especially was under a great deal of pressure, ‘to be beautiful is to be loved’ brigade and the sole measure of her entire existence.

You wonder why they are unhappy? Why their lives lack depth and meaning? Living a one dimensional life that they have been conditioned to live, by their own parents, is actually soul destroying and heartbreaking.

They look at you, bucking the trend by being plain (that can also read wholesome/healthy/your own person/comfortable in your own style) and becoming independent and successfully navigating a career anyway and can’t believe it.

The value they place on beauty and charm means they can’t fathom how others exist or have value outside of their own childhood conditioning. Beauty literally equals love for some people.

Maybe they fear ‘no one’ will love you as you are, or that you are letting them down because you won’t just cooperate and start stepping up. I am sure your mother would love to get her hands on your hair/clothes/make up bag. I am not saying this is the reason, only that there will be reasons they are like this, and it hasn’t got anything to do with you, nothing at all, even if it feels directed at you op.

It’s a testament to your own strength that you haven’t given in, and you remain you. That you are not willing to sacrifice who you are to please them.

The corrosion of self worth is real when you are with them. No doubt they are doing significant harm to your confidence and self esteem.

Instead of celebrating your difference, they choose to be harsh and judgemental. Rather than feeling delighted by your developing personality and ability they chose to only use one yardstick to measure (and beat you with)

The truth is there are many yardsticks out there, thousands - millions and you get to choose which one you use in your life, or you can snap it in two and live your life exactly as YOU see fit.

It is a them problem - not a you problem.

I would be looking at ways to minimise your exposure to such unhealthy negativity, and to surround yourself with those that love you for the very person you are.

Thanks everyone for reading. To be clear I am in a much better place now as I have stepped right back from them. I have other threads explaining how difficult things have been so won’t repeat them here.

I have also commented on so many threads of a similar ilk with regards to parents poor behaviour.

@BlueLegume yes, step right back and have nothing more to do with them. horrible people!

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld I have stepped right back in the past few months as nothing I do is ever right, but some of the things I have had to do for my father NEEDED to be done such as ensuring he was placed in a safe nursing home with the care he needs. I am still responsible for him as my mother is not happy that I did this…..I had zero option as he could not stay in hospital and could not go home. I am now only dealing with any admin around him and ensuring he has what he needs in his environment.

I can do nothing right for my mother so have made the decision to step away having become quite unwell. Feeling like I can breathe again is the best thing I have done in a long time.

It's a horrible way to treat a dc. I have a dm the same. I have found out a lot about narcissism and it rings true for my dm. Cares more about what things look like, what people see rather than their own dc's feelings. They feel inadequate themselves and take strength from criticising and running down their own dc. Throw a few crumbs of affection. But that's all. You'll never be good enough no matter what you do.

What I realised though was it wasn't about me. She was like this before I was born. There's a lot of information on YouTube if you are interested. I think you have to step back to save your sanity. I think you've done the right thing there.

@Sixtimesnow thank you. I have done a lot of work around narcissism-I use the word cautiously because one of my siblings objects to the word especially when suggested about our mother, although it is glaringly obvious she has a PD. Everything has always been ‘for show’, every event she had to look the best having new clothes etc etc and then after the event pulling apart what everyone else looked like.

I have found a lot of help on the FOG website. Thank all as ever when I have a wobble you lot are very supportive.