Sent this to mum tonight and worried

[Cheepcheepcheep]

My text to my mum. She’s dad’s carer and he is immobile (hoist transfers) and doubly incontinent. He’s about to be discharged after his second hospital stay - a month this time, 2 months time before.

“Hi mama. No need to reply and I know we’re talking 10am tomorrow. I just wanted to say I hope you’re not thinking that I’m trying to ship dad off. I’m just really concerned that doing the nights is going to take out the both of you. I know it’s horribly inevitable that dad has a hard time now but I don’t want you being totally burned out. This is the bit when it gets really hard….

I want so much for dad that he has his own chair and his cricket and his whisky and his own house. But if we consider other options, it’s possible that he can watch his cricket in a nice room (with the occasional 🥃!) and you can be his wife, not a burned out carer.

I know it must be impossible to consider and I admit I will have no way of knowing what it must feel like after X years of marriage (and a societal expectation that you put every person ahead of you!) but it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility this might happen some day and you have been such an amazing wife for so long for him. You’ve done an incredible job looking after him yourself for so long, and saying that things are too much now is NOT a failing. If you reckon you’re up for all of that I’m of course happy to support you in it but I don’t know a single person who could have carried as much as you have for as long as you have. It’s ok to say this is too much.

I love you and I’ll support any decision you and dad make but I don’t want X to kill both my parents. Sorry if that’s a bit OTT, but I know it’s going to take one of them (directly or indirectly). I don’t want it to take you too.

I love you to bits and will support whatever you both decide I just have been thinking about next steps today so wanted to write them down. We (Dsis, DBil, me and DH, and your millions of pals!) are all here to support you both xxxxx”

Worried I’ve overstepped as it’s the first time we’ve opened the conversation about dad going into residential care.

argh. Please tell me I’ve not done the wrong thing. Mum is 66. Dad is 73 and has been ill for 20 years.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5352556-help-my-mum-the-carer-seriously-ill?reply=146028600

for context

I think it is a lovely message OP. It’s letting your Mum know that she is loved and you care for her well being as well as your Dad’s. It is a very hard situation. Take care.

Can I just ask why you decided to mention this for the first time to your DM via a messgae, rather than in a face to face conversation?

Younsound like a wonderful daughter, amd it sounds like you DM had been a wknderful wife, too.

That’s a very very long and emotive message. I think it would be better to chat about it in person tbh. The length and tone of the message makes me wonder if you’re ok - would you benefit from counselling to learn to step back a bit?. Ultimately it’s up to your mum and dad though of course you want to support. You do sound like a lovely caring person though!

The love you have for her and him just emanates from this text. I can't predict what her reaction will be but I think it's good to put your cards on the table but so kindly.
Looking at the previous thread it does appear to be totally unsustainable and hopefully your mum will recognize that, even if it's difficult for her to take at first. I don't think you could have written it better in terms of showing that you care immensely. If she is upset don't panic, keep calm and compassionate but don't change tune.

I dont think you have done the wrong thing at all. When my darling Granny was in her late 80's and starting to struggle being alone after Darling Grandad died and my Mum (their only child) was still working full time and doing her shopping, paying her bills, life admin etc and I was going round to visit and doing her cleaning my Mum talked to me about having her live with her and my Ddad. Firstly their house was unsuitable, no downstairs toilet, high steps to the back and front of the house etc Mum and Dad were still working full time and had a weekend hobby they would have had to have given up. I kindly spoke to my Mum and explained that she was entitled to have a life too, that she would have to give up work as Granny could not be left alone all day and would have to give up their hobby. Mum was filled with so much guilt but eventually agreed and found a lovely home for Granny where she was well cared for and happy. Sometimes those we love are concerned that they may be judged, feel that they should do what is seen as and felt to be their duty and just need understanding, kind words and "permission". Your words are so lovely, caring and show how much you adore both of your parents. Wishing you and your parents all the best, whatever your Mum's decision is.

Thanks everyone. I did try to talk to mum earlier today and we have a call in the morning as mentioned but it’s very hard to chat with my under 5s around!

I desperately want to help them to navigate the next steps as best works for them but I’m trying to look after her, him, my job, my marriage, my 5yo and my 3yo. It wouldn’t have been my preference to do it over text, but I think I need to put it out there for her to reflect. It’s a huge thing and this is the first time I’ve raised it properly but I’m so terrified I’ve done it wrong.

Thank you - she really is incredible.

Text is just because the shit is hitting the fan and I don’t have any time to talk to her without small kids in tow, although I did raise it briefly earlier today when I saw her before she went to the hospital.

Did she reply?

Thank you so much - you’re probably right. I’m new into the situation as mum and dad have been managing alone so long and I’m suddenly waking up to the fact that mum had protected us for so long.

My god this is the kindest message. Thank you, so much.

I have a friend who v v reluctantly had to put his Mum in a nursing home, his father had died and the family had exhausted themselves caring for the father.
i said to my friend, sometimes the best decisions are the hardest but if you were making this decision for 2 strangers you would see this is the best choice all round.
When you were born, you were the youngest of 3 and your mum adored that you were a bit naughty and characterful and spirited and no doubt when the time came for you to go to school your mum was reluctant she’d have loved to carry on nurturing you all day, just you and her- but the wheels of life move on and decisions have to be made as to what’s best for the person, beyond the love.
your mum needs to have you as her son to do the crazy adventures with but she also needs care with her next journey and you’re not the best person to do that - your role in her life doesn’t change, it’s just the environment and she needs to have other people care for her needs.

He cried, and then said he just needed permission.

I gave him that (anyone could have).

And that’s what you’ve given your Mum - in order to stay his wife, she needs to forgo her role as nurse and let him have professional care and she can carry on being his wife and loving him.

Lovely message OP x

No reply yet but I did say ‘no need to reply’

For reference it’s not exactly the first time we’ve discussed residential, that was a bit of a misrepresentation on my point. Just more the first time I’ve semi- advocated for it.

TBH it seems bizarre to me to start such a conversation by text, surely it would be better to talk to DM, either in person or on the phone?

The conversation has been bubbling away for months, as is often the way with degenerative conditions. It was raised today but I had my under 5s at the house. And I rang her earlier, so this text was a follow up. He’s been sick since 2005… none of this is exactly out of the blue. It’s just more a follow up to my first time advocating for them being apart. Sorry, could have been clearer in the OP.

I think the letter was a good idea, especially if the idea has been mentioned before. It will give her time to think, rather than feel she instantly has to defend her position of looking after your dad. It’s a horrible position for her to be in, and sometimes it needs a bit of persuasion/pressure on the carer from the people who love them, to almost give them the permission to give up the caring role. Have had a few elderly relatives in similar situations so you have my sympathy. There’s no painless solution unfortunately. Hope it all goes well.

No problem with the text, it was well written and obviously from a place of love. And no problem with it being a text either. I get it, it can be really hard to say everything in person/on phone as it’s so emotional. I sent similar messages to my mum during crisis points, as when speaking she would shut down or be too tearful. She might even appreciate having some thinking time before a follow up conversation. The fear of losing them both really resonated, it’s horrible seeing care take such a toll on a person. My dad is now in care thankfully, so everyone is safe. Rebuilding a semblance of normal life for my mum is hard, she cared for him for 2 years, so letting go after 20 will be really tough, the guilt is so powerful. I hope your conversation goes well tomorrow

I think its a lovely supportive message, she must be facing a real difficult dilemma, not sure where you are based, but in uk we also have Extra Care housing, which is an alternative to care homes and ideal for couples where one has a care need and one doesn’t, allowing them to both stay together but have onsite care provided as needed

Are you in England? The NHS provide a 6 week care package when someone leaves hospital - it is paid for by the NHS. With hoist transfers you would get 2 carers, probably 4 times a day.

Have they ever considered external carers? Instead of your Mum doing the care? You can request a social care assessment (from the council); they will assess needs, and then if your father’s savings are below £23k then you can go through a financial assessment (of income / savings etc) to see how much he has to contribute to the cost of having carers come to the home.

Sorry if you are not in England (and if none of this applies to you) - I only very quickly skimmed your posts, sorry..

There’s a lot for her to take in in that long message. Hopefully you can find time to talk it over soon.

I think you are doing the right thing (my mum also has dementia and is at home and it's genuinely terrible).

What a lovely, supportive message. We all have different ways of learning and absorbing information, whether new ideas or fresh slants on what we already know, but putting a complex situation in writing gives the recipient something they can read, go back to again and think over. You obviously took some time and trouble to compose this message, which shows your Mum how much you love and value her and your Dad and how much you want them to be part of any decisions made about their future. Wishing you and them the very best. 💐

I would like you find this hard to write partly as in all honesty they really aren’t old -really feel for both of them

I am receiving very bad news at the moment. All the updates are being done by texts. To me it is preferable. I have time to read and digest the information. I can then think through what I really want to say. I thought your message was beautiful. Your love shone through for both your parents. Ultimately their choice, but it will help your parents to know that you are so supportive.