Elderly mother, squalid living environment, refuses help

[JoJothegerbil]

This is long but I need to offload as I’m at my wits end. My DM has been variety of heath issues; controlled schizophrenia, type 2 diabetes, mobility issues, incontinence, deafness, and is a hoarder. She’s 83, been widowed for nearly 30 years and is living in her own unsuitable home at the moment.

I currently take her to all her medical appointments, hairdressers and her shopping despite working full time. Fortunately I have a very flexible boss although I am using annual leave for this type of stuff when I’d really rather be using it for my own benefit. Mum’s house is quite frankly a bio hazard. I have cleaned it so many times but it just ends up being a tip again. She won’t throw anything and basically has the contents of our 5 bedroom childhood home in a very small two bed terrace.

The fridge is revolting and full of out of date food which she keeps promising me she will sort and I don’t need to do anything. Honestly, I can’t face doing it again anyway so I’m largely ignoring it despite knowing that it’s grim. I haven’t been in the bathroom for months but I’m sure that’s disgusting too.

She had help from social services a couple of years ago with decluttering but as she wouldn’t get rid of anything, all that happened was stuff went from shelves to boxes and these are now everywhere.

I’ve suggested help but the last time I did this she accused me of spending all her money. I can’t do this any more. The state of the house upsets me so I can’t bear to be there for more than a few minutes at a time. I have a brother, but he lives 200 miles away and although he talks the talk, he’s barely here to help.

Mum is oblivious to the mess. When I suggest gently that it might be a good idea to wipe surfaces and throw stuff away, she looks at me like I have two heads. To top it all, she’s a narcissist and loves to manipulate and make me feel bad.

We have financial POA but not health - ill advised by the family solicitor who, when we took out the financial one, said health wasn’t needed as it was really only for making decisions at end of life so mum wouldn’t do it. Mum is entirely dependent on me for everything as she can longer drive or go out independently and I’m struggling.

Does anyone have any advice? Social services were virtually useless when they were involved before as mum has too much money and would need to self-fund.

I'm sure my aunt still gets PIP. She's 66 and gets a state pension and my dead uncle's pension. She also had universal credit but that was replaced by pension which is more.

My mum has dementia but had always been untidy, now she's the same, doesn't thinkshe needs a cleaner but is happy for me to do all the hoovering and I have to clean her fridge out or it's full of mouldy out of date stuff. I just turn a blind eye to the mess and cobwebs as I have enough to do with my own house. My brother is exactly the same, lives 100s of miles away and never does anything but says 'just ask if you need help' ....

Write a detailed list of all the negative impacts, emotional and social as well as practical, that this has on you.

Pick the three biggest impacts.

Work on those.

Eg if your biggest impact is "I'm worried people will blame me if something terrible happens" work on that. Or "Doing stuff for her means I can't spend quality time with my family" then have a think about changing that.

Not sure but I think if you were on PIP before retirement age you can carry on with it afterwards.

I just wanted to thank you for this post and some of the replies within it. I'm dealing with similar issues with my 84yo aunt, who has granted PoA to someone who lives abroad and is now 'encouraging' her to sell her (squalid) house. I go when I can, but also work and have primary age children. My mum (nearly 80) has been involved on and off but won't do anything unless I lead/force it. Sunt has a shopper/ cleaner/company twice a week (which I think is via the local authority and which I think she pays for or towards). Would that be an option for your mum?

Leave it. You can’t change it. I had a friend who was like this. He trashed 2 otherwise lovely council flats. In the end it reached crisis point and he ended up in hospital. He was discharged to a nursing home. I’d tried to refer to social care, but as he had capacity and didn’t agree, they could do nothing.

My mum isnt an all rounder hoarder apart from clothes. Ive just got rid of bags and bags of clothes. She has mild dementia so I did it with my marigolds on and it was exhausting.
My mums kitchen is a hazard too. The sink leaks and its 60 years old. Mention it to her and she has always got aggressive and v dramatic about it. The house is a mess so I am just always clearing it up. She doesnt notice that bag after bag is going into my car.
Ive no advice OP other than I know how difficult and awful this feels. Its so difficult.

Does she have any friends in a care home or any chance of going in for respite care (e.g. you are going to have a holiday/ need a break to catch up on x) where she could go in for a bit. She may surprise herself as to how much she enjoys it. My Mum went in for respite and liked it so much she wanted to stay. She is massively happier as are all of us kids, especially the one who bore the brunt of it.

If she isn't at that point, all you can do is say you will do x amount and the rest needs paid for help. She can use equity release if she needs to for that. Explain that much as you want to do everything for her, you just can't do it.

If she's dependent on you for everything, this does at least give you quite a lot of power - refuse to do the next thing she wants until she signs the health POA. Given what you say about her state of health, it sounds like you'll be needing to activate it, and able to, before much longer.

Then follow pp's advice about reporting the hoarding and getting ss help. But if that doesn't get you anywhere, take a couple of boxes of hoarded crap on each trip, when she's not looking, from whichever room she's not in.

Sooner or later, she'll be in hospital and they won't want to let her go until she has care in place. That's when you have to stand firm and say she can't live with you and you won't be her carer either. Suddenly, as if by magic, things that were impossible will become possible, when they want her bed. But you have to fight your corner. Good luck.

Don’t coerce your mother into signing an LPA. People completely misunderstand the purpose of an LPA. It’s not there to allow you to dictate what happens to your loved one. It’s there to support them to make decisions unless they’re completely incapacitated. You are supposed to consult them on their wishes even when they are deemed not to have capacity. Not ride roughshod over them to suit your own interests. (This to PP above. My previous advice on mum for OP.)

Honestly, OP sometimes, when help is resisted and the person will NOT change, sometimes you just have to step back and wait for the almost inevitable crisis to occur.