Elderly parent ‘ready to go’ - advice please (in hospital, DNR in place)

[SociableAtWork]

Hello, I lurk on this board and the advice is always so helpful, so I hope someone can help this time.

My 83 year old parent has been taken to hospital this morning with low SATS and being unable to breathe well. They are very frail and have a number of painful, long term health conditions, include a lung condition (not COPD) and complete immobility, relying on the other parent for all their care (which hasn’t been great lately due to their own age/conditions)

Last night their breathing was very laboured and we had thought they might pass away overnight. They wanted to and have been desperate to for a long time. My other parent was prepared for this and I think they might both have agreed not to call an ambulance in the hope this would happen.

Their carer called the ambulance this morning. The SATS are possibly low due to an infection linked to the lung condition. These are frequent - probably monthly now, having increased over time and usually lead to pneumonia.

I know none of you know for sure but if someone is ready, physically and mentally, and just completely exhausted with existing, can the hospital make them ‘comfortable’ so this happens or will they have to try to prolong life?

My parent has a DNR.

Obviously none of us want to lose them, but we hate seeing them in constant pain, depression and struggling to breathe and we know there is no quality of life at all despite best efforts. They’ve remained in their home, have refused a care home and just want to die as peacefully as possible at home (or in hospital). They’re 83.

Thank you for reading.

Sending you my best wishes as I have recently been through very similar with my Dad.
Sadly he wasn’t stable enough to transfer back to the nursing home where he lived with my Mum and because a transfer was still under active consideration he hadn’t been allocated a private room.
You’ve done well to get your Mum into her own room which will be more dignified for her and easier for you to be with her in a quiet setting.

My Dad passed away sooner than we expected, just after my Mum visited.
I think he had been hanging on for that.

Wishing you and your family my heartfelt best wishes in dealing with this situation.
I have felt much sadder than I expected, given that it was what Dad wish and he had capacity to make that decision .

When my best friends dm was near the end I scoured the charity shops for cds of her favourite music... She fell asleep listening to her favourite Johnny Mathis. My friend was comforted her dm went happily.

I sat with mum for a week before she died..it was mid December so I found a CD player and some Xmas CDs.. and I decorated her room too. (She was in a care home). I gave her mini facials and hand massages. Although I still remain devastated she's gone it was a beautiful time and I feel privileged to have been able to spend time with her and will forever treasure the memories.
I'm thinking of you. I hope her end is as peaceful as possible..

I just wanted to update - mum died this morning, and we were very lucky that she didn’t suffer unnecessarily and are relieved she’s at peace finally.

She had full capacity and understood what was happening and make her wishes clear. We were all able to chat, say what we wanted to say, laugh and look at photos etc. She was given oramorph as soon as she was in pain and we took turns to sit with her.

We all feel very lucky that it went as it did and can only imagine what it must be like when it doesn’t, so my heartfelt sympathies for those of you in that position.

People’s support here has meant a lot, thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss @SociableAtWork 💐

I’m so sorry 😢

We had this service too but it depends on how many other people need it at the same time as to whether or not you get a nurse. If your parent has a DNR they could have refused to be taken to hospital. We did this for my mother but she had had a stroke and was not in pain or gasping for breath. The para medics told us your DNR should be pinned on the kitchen notice board where it can be easily found.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

The loss of your Mum did sound really peaceful. Take care of yourself now.

I'm so very sorry.. I'm 8 months ahead of you and it has got easier.. sending you strength and love.

Not read the whole thread. My DF had had health problems for many years, but was happy enough until he was 87 when he told me he’d had enough.He spent the next year sitting in a chair napping. I was called by my mother at midnight one night to say that he wasn’t going to last the night and had to drive for 3.5 hours to get to him in hospital. He was delirious, didn’t seem to recognise me and had lost the ability to speak English. When the nurses came in, who knew him well, I expressed a wish that they changed him (death is not pleasant) and that I wished they were allowed to give him really big dose of morphine. They sorted him out and we continued our vigil. Shortly after, the nurses entered the room, just in time for him to draw his last breath. They were extremely respectful and I was very grateful to them. We need assisted dying for those that want it now.

Edited for typos.

sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through similar at Christmas, and I just wanted to say Cruse (bereavement counselling) has been so helpful to me, in the months afterwards. I had six sessions, and it helped so much. It is worth contacting them, when you feel ready. Sending love.

Well done for advocating for her and finding a way for your dear Mum to have the death that she wanted. The last loving act that your were able to do for her, and an infinitely precious one. x

Sorry for your loss. I am glad though that you were able to fight her corner successfully in such a difficult situation.