Difficult DF moaning about food in nursing home

[Totallybannanas]

He is a fussy eater, he also has to follow a soft diet to oesophagus cancer. I was previously cooking meals and taking them to him whilst he lived at home. Most foods were slow cooked to cater to his needs. However, it's was very time consuming and something I can't sustain long term. I was cooking for him and getting takeaways for my family. He has now moved to a nursing home much to his dislike, but he wasn't coping at home mentally despite me visiting daily. I was cooking and cleaning, doing his medication etc. I now have to go back to work as I can't keep taking time off whilst waiting for him to die. He's already outlived my expectation. I'm already doing his laundry whilst at the home, he's expecting me to go daily and often gives me a list of things to buy. Now he wants me to bring him meals because he doesn't like the ones the home provides. The home is 25 mins away. He's making me feel guilty, messaging me he starving all the time. He had always been a fussy eater but apparently enjoys my meals. I am so fed up with being at his beck and call and made to feel guilty.

Nothing to feel guilty about OP. You simply haven’t got the time to cook him bespoke meals. He’ll be ok.

He won't be okay! He will die but that won't be prevented by OP cooking his meals. Do whatever give you most peace OP.

You’ve already admitted you couldn’t keep up with cooking his meals whilst he was living in his own home, so this isn’t an option.

You have to live with your decision but I think most people would say you wouldn’t be unreasonable to tell him you are not able to bring him meals.

Presumably, you are paying for his care home, which will include all meals?

Are there any snacks he would eat (in packets etc) that you could leave there for him. Doesn’t even matter if it’s only snacks he’s eating and not meals. It won’t change his health.

My mum is like this. Now I go and see her only 1 day a week.

Please don’t feel guilty. He is now in the nursing home so he can have 24 hour care as he obviously needs it now. You do not need to take in food that is too much for you and the fact he is 25 mins away. Why on earth are you doing his washing for. If he says he is hungry is there anything you can just leave in his room that he can snack on that is soft enough to eat. The nursing home will have yogurts and meal replacement drinks if he refuses to eat the food. They do keep a close eye on what residents are eating and weigh them regularly. They will let you know if he is losing weight.

Could you cook him a meal once a week? Like say ‘a Tuesday’ and stick to that. I found setting a day and sticking to it often helped me and my elderly parents because they were so demanding otherwise.

Just say no OP. And leave the guilt behind. It's too much for you.

MIL is in an excellent home but she doesn’t like the food. I think everyone needs to focus on something. She’s certainly not malnourished and gets taken out for pub lunches pretty regularly. We don’t take her complaints too seriously.

He will be ok. Well, I’m sure the home will be making appropriate food for him. I’d bring in the odd treat or take him out occasionally if possible.

Im sure the meals are fine, you don't have to cook for him, what are you feeling guilty about mainly ?

Its madness to pay to cook food for him when the home should provide his meals and the same with his washing. They are there to look after him. Step back and let them care for him.

Time for a fairly frank conversation that everyone’s quality of life matters, and what’s manageable short term isn’t manageable long term.

Some suggestions that might be better for everyone:
Weekly or fortnightly supply top up of snacks he genuinely likes. Whether that’s M&S fruit buns, or smoked salmon, or smoothies, or chocolate truffles, or cheese and biscuits. Whatever is his guilty pleasure. M&S do various hampers delivered in the post. Brownies by subscription etc. something ‘treat’ like.
A once a week ‘nice meal’. Either you taking something, him coming to join you and your family for a meal, going out to the pub, going for a picnic.

Focus on quality of what you add to his day to day life, at the moment his focus is quantity. Maybe rotate round a few people who phone each day (kids are good for this) so doesn’t feel forgotten but equally that ‘I need you to turn up to prove it).

I really sympathise with you both. You because obviously you've gone above and beyond looking after him until he needed to go into a home. And him because, with the best will in the world, care home food is pretty rubbish.
Is there any way you can provide something for him once a week? Or take him out once a week for something a bit nicer. As PP said, set that boundary of only once a week.

Wow that's a big reach and totally unnecessary

ScareyMOnster, the gentleman requires a soft diet. Some of your suggestions are not appropriate for someone on a special diet such as crackers and cheese,
brownies, fruit buns and truffles. Soft diets consists of foods that can very easily be swallowed.

Have you spoken with the staff? Is he eating? Is he complaining to them if he doesn't like what is on offer? Or is he just telling you? If they don't know they can't help. Or he could be complaining because he's just generally fed up (understandable).

I agree with pps take him some stuff he likes so he has extras and cut down how often you go. Maybe gradually. You have a family to look after and a job, going every day is not sustainable. Could you phone him to chat on the days you don't go in?

I’m going to go against the grain and say that if he’s dying, I’d just grit my teeth and do it. Sadly, it won’t be forever.

OP - you have done far more than you should already. However now helping him doesn’t mean you have to do it, you/he is paying a home, they need to improve. Why are you doing his laundry?! Stop that’s a basic thing the home is being paid to do. Give yourself that time back.

tell him you can’t cook for him daily, but will talk to the home, they need to provide him with food he can eat. Can you go through the menus and work out what he can manage?

You need to work. Losing your job won’t help anyone. You are paying a care home so all you should have to do is visit for company for him, not spent time cooking and cleaning for him.

How can you be sure, unless you have eaten them? Food may be one of his main pleasures. The OP does not have to cook for him everyday!

DM is in a fairly decent home regarding her care needs, but the cooked meals are grim. Once a week I take them a load of nice ready meals which they are happy to warm up for her. Better than a couple of spoons of luke warm beans on toast or bland meat and 2 veg with no seasoning made with the cheapest of ingredients.

She lost a stone in weight when she first went it. Now everyone is happy, DM gets a meal she enjoys and the home don't have to deal with a malnourished resident.

is he able to have a mini fridge in his room as i know some homes allow this. You could then do a home delivery of some items that he likes to eat, soft cheeses and bread etc.

You are paying for the home to do his laundry, cleaning, meds and cooking. Stop doing those things.

You could have a word with the manager about his preferences and see if they can come up with dishes more to his liking. And you could take a box of snacks (jelly pots or those Alpro puddings are easy to eat and require no special storage). But stop cooking.

He's unhappy. It's not surprising, it's an unhappy situation. But you can't fix the underlying problem and it does nobody any good for you to run yourself into the ground.

When my dad was in a similar position we took him a load of dessert pots and custard pots which he loved , meant he was getting some food into him

Soft diets can be hard to cater for in storable snacks/pub lunch treats. Sweet is usually easier than savoury.
What are his preferences OP? MIL used to like mousses and fruit fools more than yogurts so we used to supply a couple of packs of those occasionally but they need to be kept in a fridge. And maltesers because she could suck them until they disintegrated and then she could swallow them.

If you carry on like this, you are going to burn out. For your own health and wellbeing, you need to step back because you will not be in any position to see and help him or to look after your own family otherwise. You need to stop doing his washing immediately. Care home fees are exorbitant enough and laundry is one of the things that they expect to do. Many elderly people become extremely selfish without meaning to because their world has become very small - rather like tiny children and they can become very demanding. It's extra hard in your situation because your father is very ill and the time left with him is not very long so you feel guilty if you don't give in to his every whim. At your next visit, when he starts grumbling about the food l would simply say something along the lines of: "Yes, it's a shame" and move on to a different subject. With regards to the laundry; l would prepare him in advance. I would say something along the lines of: "I'm going to have to go back to work on x date so I'm afraid I won't be able to do your washing after this time, Dad. The people at the home do it perfectly well for everyone else and they can do yours as well." Then stay strong. He won't like it and will grumble to you but, if you stay strong with noncommittal phrases, he will accept it. He probably vents his frustrations to you and is perfectly ok most of the time. The situation is far from ideal but, sadly, there is no other option.