I just can't do this anymore 😔

[Totallybannanas]

I've had so many issues with df. He is terminally ill. For the last 3 mths he has convinced me that he didn't have long and life was slipping away from him. I went sick, visited daily and cooked, cleaned and did his meds and ran around for him and was basically his company and comfort. We had carers come in but they never did anything. He wanted be to stay the night which I did initially, but didn't get any sleep. He then went to the hospice for symptom management, again convinced me he didn't have long and he wasn't well. He then refused to leave hospice, but they eventually moved him into a nursing home. He wasn't happy, he had only been there 2 weekend I had to take him to A & E. 15 hours overnight and eventually on the ward, they are now looking at discharging him again and he is refusing to go back to the home. He says he wants to die at home and I know he wants me to take care of him. I have no idea how long this will go on for. He texts me daily to get things, to come up. He doesn't like me leaving and puts lots of pressure and guilt on me. Again telling me he was really poorly and in pain. He has even started to put pressure on my brother telling him he is disappointed that he hasn't visited. The guilt tripping and pressure is too much. Even in the home he was messaging me he was in pain and having to wait. I just can't cope with it any longer.

If he was well enough to send you that message then he was not going down hill fast. You can always ring the home/hospital and ask them how he is doing that age. It’s when they’re unable to send messages that you need to worry.

As others have said, if he is texting and calling you, he’s very unlikely to be dying at that moment. The days / weeks before death are spent unable to eat and drink because the body doesn’t want it, mostly non verbal and sleeping a lot. Maybe look up the dying process from somewhere like Marie Curie site and that may give you reassurance that despite what your dad is saying, it’s unlikely to be happening at that moment.
this is a time to protect yourself. If your brother doesn’t want to be anymore involved then you can’t force him to but do not take on all the responsibility. Your dad is in the best place in a care home. I’m sorry you are dealing with all this, it’s so stressful and unfortunately, there are only best plans not perfect plans.

Oh here they are. The judgemental one who can only see in black and white.

Have you een through it Jasmine? I started off with all good intentions, and was heartbroken and wanted to do anything to make my dad happy. But things have not been straightforward. Things have been difficult and it's been a longer process then I could have imagined. I put everything on hold, caring for him and grieving but he's still here. I cannot continue and sustain that. I know he is scarred, but he is putting aloy go pressure and manipulation on me. And that's not fair.

I’m assuming from this very naive comment that you haven’t been through this. Unless the OP puts boundaries in place then she will physically and mentally burn out and then she won’t be able to do anything for her Dad. I say this as someone who went through over a decade of this.

Op you need to establish some boundaries by our father is treating you appallingly. Yes he’s ill yes he’s old but his behaviour is still way out of line. He needs to eat the meals the home is providing and they should be doing his washing. Sure take in some of his favourite treats but that’s it. As for the meds, of course he has to wait, some drugs you can’t have simply on demand and the staff do a structured drugs round, he gets his medication but just not when he snaps his fingers. Turn your phone off at night. Don’t be a martyr. I say this as someone who has worked in a nursing home and currently has an elderly needy miserable father.

@PrincessJasmine1 We've been doing it for 2 years now and it takes it's toll massively, I'm guilt ridden, heartbroken, my backs knackered from helping parent stand up , I put them in the shower, I get called at all hours of the night and day, I wipe shit up when they miss the commode, add in doctors appointments, shopping , cleaning and laundry and it's a lot to cope with.
This doesn't mean I don't love my parent dearly but we are allowed to off load and we are allowed to put measures in to protect ourselves from mental and physical collapse.
And shock, horror, my sibling and I hope that they go in the not too distant future, peacefully in their sleep as it's miserable for all of us.

I'm in the middle of this now.
The word you need is
BOUNDARIES
My dmum is in respite in a care home. Wants to go home. I have a meeting with care agency on Monday to talk through with her.
I have decided

1. I am switching the phone off at night. Between 10 and 7. Its harsh but she has a care line who will call an ambulance. I cannot sleep waiting for the phone to ring. And not sleeping makes my life unbearable
2. She is having carers 3 times a day minimum
3. she is not having more than a glass of wine a day ( you can buy 1 glass mini bottles). She is worse when she drinks too much
4. I am not going to see her every weekend
5. when I book a holiday, she is going into respite care, like it or not.
6. I have put a post redirection on her address to mine, so no more trips to work out what post she is talking about.
7. the minute this breaks down, she can move to a care home.

I would say mind you don’t fall from that moral high ground, but then you did by insinuating only those who attend should inherit. If you can be bought, controlled with a dangled carrot, then you don’t have the moral high ground. We’re up to our eyes in this x2 and won’t get a penny. Find some rectitude and come back with your judgements.

I was "fortunate" in that my Dad's terminal illness took him in 7 months but I'm still recovering from the physical and mental exhaustion 2 years on OP. It's the very specific bone tiredness that's so hard to get past. Your Dad needs to be in a home, with 24 hour care on hand. That way, you still get to be his daughter. My Dad was desperate to die at home but my sister was so obstructive to the care company and palliative care team that the Consultant pulled Dad into a hospice for respite and then onto a nursing home. Dad wasn't happy, but it meant staff were on hand 24/7 for medication. Terminal illness is a postcode lottery for community care at the best of times. Stand firm. Your Dad has lived his life, you give what you can but you need to keep one foot firmly in your own life too

Inheritance shouldn’t be conditional. Disgusting concept. As bad as his behaviour, dying or not.

Believe me I'd happily forgo any inheritance and not have this responsibility. I just feel consumed with guilt, worry and dread. Guilty for never doing enough, worrying about my dad and the decisions I make and my job and family, and dreading what's to come. It's endless.

@Totallybannanas none of the inheritance derail was at you, it was challenging a stupid comment.

You’re at the sharp end of a hard situation. There are no easy answers now, but you must protect yourself, if you fall apart you can’t help anyone. DF needs hospital/nursing home with 24/7 professional care, not your home with you breaking yourself to keep up. If you can’t sustain the barrage of calls then harsh as it sounds maybe set ‘working hours’ for taking his calls, and set your phone to silence his calls outside of that time period. If it’s actually bad the home will call you.

The brother is under no obligation to help at all. The OP is choosing to do what she does. If she decides to martyr herself then so be it.