Dad now in nursing home but struggling

[CareHome]

Dad (91) has now been in his nursing home since Monday, initially for respite with a view to longer term. Mum (89) is struggling to care for him at home - dad uses a frame to walk due to Parkinson's and can fall/collapse.

The nursing home assessed him and have put him on their dementia wing (he's previously been assessed as not having dementia but this was a couple of years ago). Mum has visited today and is unhappy as dad is just laying in bed (at home the carers got him up and downstairs to have breakfast, then in evening they put him to bed around 8pm).

The nursing home have said they can't force him to go to the communal areas but without this routine the fear is that dad's mental health will decline rapidly.
Dad is also unhappy at loss of autonomy. The care home don't want him going to the toilet himself due to risk of falls, but dad wants to try and use his frame like he did at home. They have put the sides up on his bed to prevent him and he hates it.

Can anyone help me understand the expectations - are we asking too much from the care home? Or should I press them on the above?

This is such an awful position to be in OP. You want to do what’s right for both your parents but it seems that no matter what you do, someone is going to be unhappy.

You mention you’ve not been able to get through to Adult SS - definitely escalate that to the Council CEO and explain the horrendous impact it’s having on your family. A new care needs assessment might actually enable your dad to be at home but with extended support and plenty of respite care too. Are they self funding or state-funded? Does the house have all the adaptations it needs? But aside from all that, it is very early days for your dad and it might just be the teething problems of settling in. He could well settle in and end up really enjoying it. I can understand though that if he doesn’t have dementia, being in a dementia unit would be very tough.

My dad is in his 80s and also has Parkinson’s. He lives at home but the house is fully adapted - the council funded a through floor lift for him. To this day, not sure how we managed to swing that! They offered and we readily agreed (he has no funds of his own). He has carers three times a day and basically lives from his riser chair, with all he needs on little tables around him. He’s mentally very sharp so engages with the world using his iPad. He did go into respite for a couple of weeks after a bad infection. He was technically well enough to come home but he was so weak and we knew we’d struggle to manage him at home. He too was put on a dementia wing and he hated it. He was too unwell initially to object too much but as soon as he started to get properly well, he desperately wanted to be home. He found it very lonely as there was no one to talk to.

I can really empathise with the complexities this brings!

I worked in a home and they never used the bed sides for the same reason. Instead they put down a crash pad at night and always used these highly sensitive motion detectors for fall risks. As soon as residents stood up and alerted went off and someone would come.

The idea should be he’s encouraged to be as mobile as possible (safely) we had a physio work with each patient doing simple exercises, walking with frame to keep the residents as limber as possible.

The only ones that stayed in bed were on end of life care in the last few weeks. I’d consider changing homes tbh.

@rickyrickygrimes I think that’s the issue - because we care we desparately want to see some semblance of ‘normality’ and very often there isn’t any to be had . Most caring people’s minds can’t cope with that because it brings home our own mortality too . It’s a very depressing stage for relatives who give a shit - sadly very often the person being cared for is beyond being that aware , or they would be in supported housing .

Not to my knowledge - the care home assessor visited, and then a place for respite on the dementia wing offered next day which we took as mum couldn’t cope.
I’m going to enquire about a dementia assessment - his Parkinson’s consultant did not think it was the case but that was a few years ago.
I don’t think he lacks capacity myself.

with all due respect if he’s 91 and wants to stay in bed let him stay in bed!
id argue about the rails and insist he has the option to get up and use the toilet but at that age i dont think there is much point in worrying about him socialising and mental decline especially if he is already not well

I visited yesterday with mum and my daughter. We found him in bed watching athletics but he had been in the dining room for his dinner which was positive.
We brought cake so I suggested going to lounge or dining area for a cuppa to go with which dad was happy to do. A couple of carers helped to get him ready. One of them said they wanted to know if I was ok with them lowering the rails on his bed which was agreed to. Pressure mat beside his bed if he gets out (he’ll only do that if he has his frame near).
He did ask about going home - he misses his own bed and my mums cooking.
Later when dropping mum home I asked her how she felt he was and she said so-so, whereas to me he was like I see him at home - watching TV, asking my daughter about Uni, etc. He could remember the name of the activities lady we met on Thursday too and I reminded him she was back in on Monday so he’d have to go in the lounge and have a chat with her.
@theevidencesofar dad is self-funded. The house has some basic adaptations and they were assessing for a chairlift but we’ve not heard back in a month.
Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat, it’s hard going isn’t it? You have my sympathy too.
@vdbfamilywe had huge issues increasing the care to twice a day. Some carers didn’t show or were too late/early (in one case they turned up at 5.30pm to put him to bed - he’s used to 8.30pm), so mum was getting him up and putting to bed. Mum says the carers are never there when she needs them and we had to explain he’d need a full time carer for that level of care which they can’t accommodate at home. He had overnight care for a week when discharged from hospital about 4years ago but they hated having a stranger in the house, sitting in their living room at night. Mum also has carpal tunnel in both hands, as well as a bowel cancer survivor with its own issues and it’s too much for her physically.
The ideal of course would be a live in carer but that’s not feasible in the house they’re in.