What are the little things no one tells you about?

77 replies

Sunnylilypad · 03/07/2025 23:07

Hi all,
I’ve been watching my mum take care of her own parents over the last couple of years (85,87), and it pains me to see how much invisible work is involved. She’s juggling health appointments, bills, let alone all the emotional work on top of her own problems.
As I have aspirations of starting up my own social enterprise in the next few years, I’m exploring whether there are better ways to support people going through this. Not selling anything, just trying to learn from real experiences.

If you’ve looked after a parent or relative, I’d love to ask:

Are there things you find yourself doing again and again?
Have you come up with any little workarounds or tricks that help even slightly?
Was there a moment where you hit a wall and thought “I have no idea what to do next”?

If you’re happy to share, I’d really appreciate it — either here or by DM. Thanks so much x

OP posts:

MrsZiggywinkle · 20/10/2025 22:54

potato08 · 15/10/2025 09:20

Carers allowance is a joke.
Limits paid work and you're too knackered anyway.
For me, total lack of interest in my mums issues now shes 79.
Everything - even severe pain - is "well, its her age"
SO much admin...the drs/pharmacy mess up her meds every month
Hospital appointments or, even worse, hospitals refusing referrals (this has happened three times this year...two hospitals both saying the other should be the one to do an MRI...)
8 hour waits for an ambulance for a stroke...
No appointment after the stroke...a phone call - she can't remember what they tell her.
Dietician - no f2f appointment just phone calls.
She's 6 stone.
Banks etc - I'm her POA and banks, drs, hospitals all have copies of her LPOA but STILL phone her, not me.
It's utterly exhausting and the wait for the next crisis is awful

^ this

It’s the fuckwittery of it all. Some good NHS experiences but frankly some really awful ones. Absolutely nothing is joined up so you have to repeat yourself ad infinitum. Even if you are down as LPA they will still send appointment letters addressed to the patient which is great if they have dementia and put them in a safe place. Appointment is then a no show and you’re on the phone trying to rearrange.

Same again with the banks. Really bloody hard to get anything done even with LPOA. The most helpful service I received was from older women who had clearly been through the same thing. Having to go into the branch in town because they won’t let you do things over the phone. Really great when you work full time and live at a distance!

I know what you’re asking but it’s such a complicated area. A person who knows everything about local services, older people’s issues and can troubleshoot and problem solve. Point you in the right direction and maybe fill in forms. Bit like a PA?

Harriet9955 · 20/10/2025 23:07

BeyondMyWits · 04/07/2025 08:23

With MIL, the sheer number of "things to do" was our issue.
She had carers in 4x a day for personal care and food/drink preparation so her immediate welfare needs were met. She is in a nursing home now, so only the admin stuff applies..

But... she needed to arrange appointments for and get to - hospital, doctor, nurse, podiatrist, physiotherapist, dentist, hairdresser, optician... she needed to buy food etc. ... she needed help for the housework and garden... she needed sooooo much admin help with pension/pension credit/attendance allowance/blue badge renewal. Banking, we had to set up direct debits, she used to keep money in envelopes and pay bills at the post office or council offices every month.

So, we could have done with getting a PA to organise, a home help to deal with the house and a gardener/odd job person to take care of outside and silly little jobs inside (she pulled a curtain rail down etc).

But there was no money for all that, and MIL wouldn't have strangers deal with her stuff, so other than personal care - that all fell to us, to do all of those jobs pretty badly (to be honest) as we were dealing with our own lives (an hour away) too.

Many Age Uk branches ( not all ) will help with AA form, Blue badge applications, checking benefits etc. I literally do this for a job and it feels good being able to help overwhelmed relatives with this kind of thing when they have such a lot going on. I'm just saying this in case it helps others to know this service is available. We also do not charge anything for this although people can of course give a donation if they wish.

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