96-year old dad refusing care home or at-home overnight care

[BlueRaspberry7]

Hi, hope it's ok to post on behalf of my DM (69) who isn't on Mumsnet.

Their DF (my grandpa) is 96 and living independently in a flat. He has no major health issues and no dementia. He is very slow and bent over, increasingly less mobile and he has some digestion problems which prevent him leaving the house much. He can't really cook for himself any more, or clean. He has a cleaner every so often, and a physio who comes every fortnight, and a carer comes by a couple of times a week to make his lunch.

My mum and her sister share the bulk of his care - though my mum lives slightly closer and takes on most of the daily stuff, along with her husband who is great with the DF.

The DF made my mum and auntie sign something saying he would never be put into a care home, and finamcial provision is there for him to have care at home if and when needed.

My DM would like a carer to stay overnights with her DF for 1 week while my auntie is away this summer - as she feels anxious at the idea of him having a fall or an emergency in the night.

He is putting up a fuss about this, saying he doesn't want a stranger in the house.

DM has told her DF he won't have to interact with the carer, he's just there for emergencies.

Can anyone relate to this scenario of an elderly parent who lives independently not accepting the idea of having occasional overnight help at home - to give their adult children a bit of a mental break?

Just to add, their limits can certainly include no calls overnight , he has the option of calling an ambulance himself or wearing a fall alarm that goes straight to a call centre at night, even if the contact is DM / DA during waking hours.

Again, up tonhim the risks he wants to take..and if he feels his quality of life is better with higher risk/lower intervention, that's fine. For some older people this is genuinely a better choice.

BUT he CANNOT expect his DDs to fill the gap. The gap is of his making and is his responsibility, not theirs.

If he wants the power, he gets the responsibility too.

He isn't really living independently is he? He is in his own home but relies on other people to make his meals and to provide care. This is a paid carer coming twice a week to make his lunch and his two daughters, primarily OP's mum, for the rest of the time.

He can't refuse to go into a care home and refuse to let anybody else into his home apart from his daughters. It isn't fair for him to expect them to devote their lives to caring for him. I bet he wouldn't do this if he had two sons.

I think it's up to your mum and your aunt to decide what level of care they are willing to provide and anything needed above that, he accepts outside carers and pays for it.

Thanks for all your comments and tips.

There's been quite a turnaround since my first post.

My GF got over his initial resistance and accepted the carer coming to stay for the week. It has gone well, and the two of them got along very nicely.

Now, he wants the carer to be there full time on overnights - in fact, he said he felt much more "secure" with him there. So, a positive result for everyone in the end.

Candy is 100% correct. Elderly people dont hold all the cards, get it their own way all of the time. The amount of people who are being bullied and cajoiled into doing it their way or the highway is getting worse and worse.

I found I HAD to make boundaries and literally close down the same old conversations. It ended up being a bit of a joke between my Mum and myself. Everytime she brought up the same thing or threw task after task at me often as I was walking out the door I said 'enough - I know what you are like Mum - it can wait until next time...

Its truly horrible when elderly parents behave like their wants and needs are the priority whilst at the same time saying that they dont want to be a burden