Gotta laugh - elderly relative. For elderly parents regulars modtly

[BeaTwix]

I have had many previous threads. I care/am PoA for a slightly distant elderly relation. It’s a lot of work. I live 400 miles away from them. I travel to their home city every 4-6 weeks to sort stuff out.

I used to call them the oldie as there isn’t a suitable mumsnet acronym but have had a pasting on here for “appalling”, “insulting” and “demeaning” language. Henceforth they will the TEPICF (the elderly person I care for).

TEPICF has just been discharged from hospital. This was not perfect but better than previous discharges however they have a new care provider and no one thought to put the care coordinator and me in touch. Or in fact pass reciprocal contact details to each party.

So Day 1 post discharge TEPICF has no lunch as they have wildly over optimistically told the new carer they will make their own lunch. TEPICF is banned from the cooker after previous mishaps, can’t get their head around the new fangled (15yo) microwave so trying to resolve this takes multiple phone calls and me giving step by step instructions about decanting soup into a bowl and microwaving it. Or simply opening one of the prepackaged long life pasta salads we stocked in house for this purpose… Despite two such phone calls by 5pm they still haven’t eaten.

i then try to work out who new care company are. TEPICF tells me there is a folder. They look at (they aren’t daft, and reading comprehension isn’t usually an issue) but they fail to find the care company name, or contact details. Then they tell me “someone” came to visit them yesterday (discharge day) about their care.

TEPICF doesn’t know

1. who it was
2. who they worked for
3. what their job role is - it swung from social worker, carer, care manager during conversation
4. how I could contact them and no, TEPICF hadn’t mentioned that I existed and needed to be kept in the loop. Obviously the laminated sign about TEPICF’s support needs with my contact details hadn’t worked either.

I then made multiple calls to the hospital to try to find out which care company it was. Finally got the name, but no phone number. I then had to call the care company. Again. Multiple calls/emails. Good conversation with care coordinator, realise this is a re-ablement package not permanent so there will be yet another change in carers (why did no one at hospital think to tell me this?!?) , care coordinator realises after my retelling of lunch and their visit that perhaps TEPICF isn’t as sharp as they make out. I make point that if anyone had put us in touch I would have told them all of this. All good.

Then on post discharge day 3 new carer rings me. There is water coming through the hall ceiling. They provide photos. TEPICF is a hoarder. House is now mostly dehoarded but nothing except emergency repairs have been done on it for 50years so there are lots and lots of issues..,,,

I’m at work. I’m Busy (am anaesthetist). I ask my siblings who both work from home on a more flexible schedule if they can help and provide tradesmen details. Neither respond.

At 11:30 I get a break and practically beg a plumber to go out.

He does. Leak fixed by 2pm. And he phones me to tell me and sends photos. Yay!!!!

21:30 I send a text to wider family congratulating myself on being a repair ninja.

22:00 TEPICF phones me. The hall ceiling has fallen down……

seriously. Do I never get a break!!!!!

Result!!!

Hope it all works out, and that you can start to relax knowing she's been properly cared for.

Not much relaxation. I need to mastermind the property repairs.

all from 400 miles away!

EPICF is totally sanguine. "Oh, it will just have to be fixed". No seeming thought to how much work "oh it will just have to be fixed" is going to be.

And of course once it's fixed it will have to be decorated. Huge fucking sigh.

And I also need to keep liberating the cash so I can pay the respite bills. Which are horrendous.

Don’t rush to get it sorted, assuming of course the money is there to cover EPICF’s care home costs. Give her time to settle in the home and get comfortable. My mum went into a care home for reablement following a fall. It was late in the Covid era so no longer loads of deaths in care homes but social services not as good as they could be. There were delays getting a social worker to sort out a care plan so, instead of being in for just 6 weeks, it took 12 weeks for a social worker to be assigned. By that time my mum had changed her mind from ‘when can I go home?’ to ‘I’m happy to stay here’. I think that once my mum had settled in, she started to feel secure and much less stressed. She made friends with residents and staff, there were people to talk to and things to do and a constant supply of meals and snacks. What’s not to like?

Ah yes, last year things for my mum deteriorated rapidly. Anyone professional became 'the lady with the laptop' (took some working out whether that was social worker, housing officer, police officer, someone from the council....) Then, she decided that any kind of workmen were not coming in the house (just as the housing association decided they were stripping polystyrene tiles from the ceiling) and that anyone looking remotely like anything professional (including me and my siblings) could be told to f off loud and frequently. She was moved into a home last year after she took to standing outside the local High school and screaming 'tart' at all the girls in their short skirts... that's missing out the bit where the social worker went on leave unexpectedly and 'forgot' to file the care assessment.

@Lightuptheroom I am sorry to laugh but I just snorted my water reading your post. It took me back ten years ago to when we were in a similar position. Our stories are different but along the same lines .. telling the SW that DF was having sex with teenage boys in a car parked across the road... that kind of thing... looking back I think a younger on-the-ball DM would find all her antics and sayings hilarious. Time does heal. I can now look back fondly rather than with horror.

Well EPICF is much more interactive with us while in the care home - she is engaging on WhatsApp. Seems to be managing to text/ email her friends and is loving the food. She is being snotty about some of the activities though - the music offerings are "too mainstream" (tbf she has sung classical music in various well regarded groups for the whole of her adult life so some snottiness is probably allowed) but the staff tell me everyone wants her to go along as she really can sing!

Meanwhile my second role as a project manager is coming along well possible just as well as my NHS job have just offered out voluntary redundancy packages.

I finally got her burglar alarm system to work so am less worried about everyone and their dog knowing the keysafe code. It's an amazing system - I can remotely set up access codes for tradesmen and the disable them when the job is finished. In extremis I can also disable the alarm remotely. So far only one person has set it off by accident.

We've started muttering about making the care home permanent but she isn't convinced and I'm struggling with whether or not she has capacity to make this decision. I'm pretty sure she will fail if I let her go home but maybe she needs to see that. I'm balancing this with the risk of something terrible (fire/ falling headfirst down the stairs) happens when she is at home.... In addition, the NHS staff all treated her as capax 10 days ago so am i really right to overrule her... Decision is deferred though as I've had to extend her stay as it's summer holidays and unsurprisingly lots of the tradesmen I need to finish the house are away.

The uncertainty makes planning hard - if she is going home I'll replace her bedroom carpet - at £900 it is only 2 days in the care home! However if she is staying there seems a waste as I'm sure the new owners won't really care....

EPICF also has no clue about interiors - as you may recall, she hoarded for years so has done fuck all in the house since 1979. She always meant to do things though so has had an interiors magazine subscription for years which has been the source of much amusement to everyone external as the house is in such a state.

Anyway I was optimistic she would have useful opinions. Nope! I asked her about what colours of paint she wants used. So far for her bedroom (currently a very wacky pale pink with green/ blue floral/ bird themed wallpaper that is bang on trend) she doesn't want pink, green, yellow or blue. Main reason given is "they are cold"....

When in desperation I asked what colour she did want as she seems to have excluded a good portion of the colour wheel I got no bloody answer.

So I'm just picking now and if she gets home and hates it tough (and obviously I'm trying to keep it appealing for a future purchaser).

As always the teenagers are a godsend. Two helped me move all the furniture out of the affected rooms last weekend so i actually got some of my Sunday back and could see friends while I was up there.

A different one is scheduled to move prescription drugs from pharmacy to the care home as she is now out of area for pharmacy delivery on Monday. He has also promised to pick up an M&S apple turnover on the way as she bloody loves an apple turnover. All pray to the altar of lovely teenage boys.

@Mum5net we've discovered mum has a fine vocabulary of swear words that we never imagined she knew. Plus she can talk to my husband about what a wonderful person 'I' am and then turn to me and call me filthy names! All fun and games