Abusive situation. Please help me think.

[helpformymumplease]

I've name changed for this but been here for donkeys years - since mouldies.

I apologise in advance if this is upsetting for others but I really need some advice on this please.

My mum has Alzheimer's. Quite advanced. Dysphagia and a pureed diet. Housebound and vulnerable following a fall resulting in a broken pelvis a couple of months ago.

She lives at home with my dad. He is her main carer. They are both 86. She has professional carers come in and wash and feed her and put her to bed each day.

Yesterday I was round there at the same time as the carer and my dad had to give my mum her medication. It's a tablet. She has trouble swallowing and, in my opinion, she needs any meds in liquid form. I have asked for this repeatedly.

My mum struggled to swallow the tablet. She spat it out repeatedly. He shouted at her. Held her nose to make her swallow it. Carer sitting right next to her and made no attempt to stop him. I did. I told him to stop. I told him it wasn't ok and she couldn't swallow it. It was awful. He kept on and on and bullied her. She couldn't swallow it. Carer just watched on. I told him to leave her alone. He was angry. She wouldn't or couldn't swallow the tablet. He shouted at her that she'd take it and he would win in the end and she would swallow it. I tried to stop him and he just went on. This went on for maybe 3-4 minutes. I told him to leave her and it didn't matter (tablet is to make her go to the loo and liquid forms are available) I told him we'd get a liquid form and to leave it. He went on and on. In the end I couldn't stand it any more and left the house. I feel ashamed that I didn't co time yo advocate for her but I tried and tried and I got upset.

The carer did nothing. Just watched.

I feel that he is abusive towards her. This was not really about the medication and its importance or otherwise. It was about him winning and making her do what he wants.

My dad is not a nice man. He was a nasty mean dad and my mum should have left him when we were little. But she didn't for whatever reason - to protect us I suppose. He shows a nice side to the outside world but historically he has been mean. Although I really did think he had mellowed but clearly it's still there in him.

My question is, what to do, I think he needs reporting from a safeguarding perspective (any safeguarding knowledge I have is for children but I would assume that's the case?) Should the carer have reported him? Do you think she would have (they are obviously making a lot of money from my parents, as a company, so I'm not sure she would have). Am I over reacting? I don't think I am. But would appreciate your thoughts.

I've wanted to be looked after in a nursing home for a while and he has always insisted he wants to care for her. They've been married for 69 years.

Please be gentle as I'm all over the place. She needs to be looked after.

Three issues- inappropriate medication prescribed; carer burn out; professional carer didn't record it (presumably) or step in.

However, bear in mind your mum chose to stay all those years that she had capacity. I had to remind myself of this repeatedly when DF was ill. DM was an arse but she’s the arse he chose to live with for all those years, accepting her warts and all.

It is indeed a can of worms OP.

We had a somewhat similar situation with my PIL. It wasn't around medication, but involved physical abuse of MIL by FIL. DP made the adult safeguarding referral. FIL had some cognitive decline himself and became disinhibited, it wasn't just carer burnout.

MIL ended up being moved to a care home because it wasn't safe for her to stay at home with FIL. There were some hoops to jump through because of her lack of capacity, but once it was deemed in her best interest to move her it all happened pretty quickly.

@helpformymumplease GP can step in and check, but the more worrying thing here is a paid for carer doing nothing. Your Dad is clearly not coping, your Mum needs a different approach to supporting her to take her meds. The social care safeguarding team need to know about this ASAP.

Your Dad sounds tricky, but he isn't a qualified carer so GP the better route to checking he is ok. The carer was a dereliction of duty.

Report it. It founds like she’s ready for a deprivation of liberty order and will be placed in a care home setting regardless of your dad’s wishes. There are some great ones please report the carer too,

They will, but will your dad be honest? If you can be there for this appointment, please go - then you know what has been said by all parties. And you can correct untruths.

Thanks for all the helpful and truthful comments. I need to sort it now. And I'm sorry for those of you who have had similar. It's just awful that it has come to this. Thanks everyone.

Sorry to butt in, but just to say, the carer cannot intervene in this; it is not their job, BUT saying that, she may report to her seniors, who, in cases, may alert authorities such as social services.
It is clear that your father is at the end of his tether. He may not be a nice man, as you say, but it is clear that your mum needs help more suitable for her requirements.
I think that it is maybe time to get your mum more suitable help such as a home

Please do report it. Although this is at the relatively minor end of the spectrum of abuse and neglect we manage in adult safeguarding it's not OK.

Does anyone have LPOA for Health and Welfare decisions for your mum?

Be prepared that it won't necessarily result in immediate placement in a care home, if they can arrange for things like liquid meds, more care at home and a carers assessment for your dad they will consider all those options first before removal under best interests. If he has LPOA and refuses a placement they would also have to take it to court as well.

Good luck!