Not a parent but hoping someone experienced here can offer advice

26 replies

Mounjarocaro · 17/05/2025 22:08

I have an 85 year old widowed neighbour. She lost her husband around 18 months ago. They'd been together since their teens. Her adult (mid 50s) son lives with her and a grandson (30s) who lives around 30 minutes away. I've watched her deteriorate since the death of her husband. She is worried and anxious about every little thing, losing weight. Over the last couple of months I've seen a cognitive decline - she'll come in and ask me about a letter she's received, for example. I'll tell her it's just something to ignore, bin or file away if she prefers. She goes off saying she'll put it away in a file, and five minutes later she's back again asking me about it again. A couple of weeks ago she did this several times in the space of a couple of hours (there's more to it than this, but for the sake of anonymity...). I managed to get hold of her grandson's number and sent him a message saying that I'm worried about her, explaining what had happened that day. He apologised for her being a nuisance and said she's just lonely and he thinks she's "losing it" a bit. He gave me his dad's number for future use. We never see the son to speak to.

Today has been even worse. Her anxiety and confusion are through the roof. The son lives with her (but is out most of the time - he's admitted she gets on his nerves so he goes out as much as possible). She told me that he would be out all day and would be staying out overnight. I sent him and the grandson a message describing how she's been all day. They both replied, basically saying she's trying it on, trying to guilt trip them all the time, acting all helpless and confused. Absolutely no empathy or patience whatsoever!

We are very worried about her but don't want to overstep given that her son lives with her. I know that she's had a food diary to complete by her surgery nurse so someone else is obviously concerned about her, but just wondering if there's any services I could speak to about her (and the seeming lack of care she's getting from her family).

Anyone had any similar experience or advice, please?

OP posts:

yeesh · 19/05/2025 12:18

BlueLegume · 19/05/2025 06:37

@yeesh regarding your last post. What happens if SS make contact with the patient/neighbour and she refuses to have an assessment? From my experience SS tell me that without the patient agreeing to an assessment they cannot intervene. They deem my mother for example to ‘have full capacity’. She continues refusing to be assessed or even speak to a social worker - she is not living independently, she is self neglecting. She will not have a cleaner, she will not have anyone but her adult children do things for her. I have had to step right back because it has made me ill.

It is helpful knowing all the things SS CAN link to help but in my experience if the elderly person won’t engage what can SS do then. It is destroying us as a family.

SS have contacted me and told me if I spend 35 hours a week caring for my mother I can claim around £85 per week. They also sent me links to all of the local support groups I could take my mother to. I live at least an hour away from her. Essentially they were telling me that this was their solution. Whilst I am retired from my career I have a very busy life. ‘But it’s your Mum’ were the words a SS told me, surely you want to help her. Yes, but she won’t help herself so why should it fall to me? I have had to walk away for my sanity.

Edited

It is very difficult when people refuse assessment, if they have capacity then they can not be forced to accept help.

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