Father gravely ill - mother reluctant to continue treatment

[Kettlebanana]

We are currently in a hell on earth situation as my father is gravely ill in intensive care and on life support. It’s more likely than not he won’t make it through and questions about how far we go with treatment are starting to come up. I think we as a family all agree quality of life is important but it’s becoming clear that my mother isn’t willing to see that if he does survive, whilst he may have difficulties/not be as independent, his happiness in life will need some support from us all. My father does everything for her and she can’t conceive that, in the remote chance that he does make it, they could still have a decent life but it would need her to step up i.e take on driving/taking him out etc. There’s no health issues that would prevent her from
doing this and they are not quite ‘elderly’ and I’m quite appalled that she doesn’t see that he won’t necessarily be miserable if we all make an effort together. Obviously none of us would want to see him in a situation of needing round the clock care but she’s literally talking about a situation where he might need a wheel chair meaning we shouldn’t push on. It’s becoming clear they’ve also never actually discussed this and so we don’t know what he would want. I just cant believe this is all really happening and completely lost. We’ve been in hospital for 4 days straight and I’m conscious none of us are thinking very clearly right now.

Having a close relative in intensive care is a horrific and unreal situation. I don’t think any of us are quite our normal selves in that spot.

It’s very possible your parents have discussed this between themselves. DH and I have been crystal clear with each other that anything that reduces our mental state, or ability to live independently, is a no go.

It doesn’t sound like it will be long for your DF. Take the time to be with him, and try not to not hold stressed behaviours and hypotheticals against your mum. Take care OP.

When my dh was in ICU a few years ago, and I was told he had a 5% chance of survival, my dd was an immense source of support.
But not everyone can handle being in an ICU area, and able to support family members in such an environment.
OP please be kind to yourself and family members.
I was ok and so was my dh eventually, but I wouldn’t wish such a scenario on anyone.

Im sorry you are going through this @Kettlebanana. It's a heartbreaking situation. I think you are being a bit harsh on your mum. She's probably worried, frightened and not really thinking about what she's saying. She's probably got 101 things that she's worried about. Remember, it's easier to be angry with someone than to grieve or to be afraid.

Just get through the next wee while OP.

I agree that if the Drs are initiating this conversation, it's because they can see what's probably coming. Please be brave and think about what your father would want.

I have a very dependent FIL, who totally relied on MIL to do everything, domestically and administratively. That's the way their marriage worked, for decades. Since she has died, he has declined and become incredibly needy - relying on my SIL, asking her continuously to do things for him that he could do himself etc and being very demanding - but he doesn't see it, because for him this is normal. Everything he says and does is in his own interest, not anyone else. He often makes comments like that of your mum's - little snippets of thought that give away how self-focused he is. I guess that's survival tactics.

I hope you're OK OP. I had a similar episode with my DF being about to die and my mum being very hard work. Nobody is at their best at these times, but it's really difficult when you're trying to support someone who is inherently draining to deal with.

Do they have any sort of end of life wishes written down? I had to very pointedly ask for my Dad's then it didn't make any sense.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you've had a rest.

Ask the medics what they’d do in your position, i.e with a much loved but gravely ill relative. That’s what I did in similar circs.

The Admiral nurse supporting us when we were in a similar situation said that she often sees husbands/wives completely disengage with a dying spouse, as my Mum did. All I'd say is ... spend some time with your Dad, as much as you realistically can, and with any other friends and family who are supporting you. That's easier said than done, of course. I didn't have an easy relationship with my Dad at all and neither did my DH, but the moments that we concentrated on Dad have formed a small store of memories that have helped me grieve. Nothing remarkable happened in those moments but they were authentic and quiet. I suspect you know that after your Dad has gone, whenever that is, things are going to get really tough with your Mum, but honestly you can only cross those bridges (including all the flashpoints of grief, resentment, anger, whatever) when you get to them. Sending 💐.

It's not easy.
Don't "borrow trouble from tomorrow" by worrying about what might not happen. It's not really the sort of thing where extensive pre-fretting will make a measurable difference if it does. Though it's a natural response in many of us to want to claw back some control by feeling we have a plan for any eventuality.

IME illness and death can bring out some very odd behaviour in people. Personally, once I'd worked that out, and saw it as a typical thing to expect, I found it was easier to cope with it (99% of the time, by just ignoring people, i.e. thinking, "that's mad," and saying nothing but "Hmm" in response).

Best of luck. If you can find a sensible older friend IRL to discuss this with - old enough to have been through this already - the right person can be very supportive and helpful.