In hospital waiting for my mum to die

[redblonde]

My 89 year old mum called 111 on Thursday as she was having trouble speaking. An ambulance took her to hospital and over the last few days she has clearly had more mini strokes and lost her speech first, then her sight, and now is just getting palliative care. She is unconscious and having nothing but morphine. Two of my three sisters are here in the hospital with me, essentially we are yet sitting with her, waiting for her to die. I thought it might be tonight but who knows. I do not know how long I can do this for. Part of me just wants to run away.

So sorry. Can you see if the hospital has a palliative care team? They are great to support at this time. In the meantime, hope you can find some tea, peace, and a few words and strokes to share with her. It's ok to go in and out.

I'm so sorry op, I've done this three times in the last 15 months with parents (mine and dhs). This has been really sudden and you must all be in shock. This is the worst part of it, the not knowing when it will happen or for how long you will be there and the apprehension of waiting for them to die

The most recent was last month. There will usually be physical signs it is getting nearer. The nurses can usually tell you if death is approaching soon. If it isn't, make sure you are getting out a walk along to the cafe when it opens (if there is one) and for something to eat, for a bit of fresh air outside if no cafe.

We were also given use of a family room and each of the three of us went and had a nap during the night for an hour at a time. They had just put hospital bed mattress on the floor but that really helped, if you can ask about that?

Hopefully the palliative nurse will be in this morning and able to give you a better idea of timescales. Last month ours came in the last day and said itl be today and she was right. Then we noticed the physical changes which indicated it would be soon, called a nurse in and she said itl be in the next hour provably and it was 50 minutes later.

Are you in a private room with her? If not, insist on one. You might need to be forceful about this, we were. If you are and you live close and don't have any, can you get toiletries and clean clothes brought so you can use the shower to freshen up.

I hope that she is at peace soon, sending lots of love and strength for you to get through this difficult time.

I'm so sorry. I've been there, seven years ago, and it is so incredibly hard.

I felt, and the nurses told us, that my mum may still have felt sensations and heard things, so we talked, my sister and I, about the old days, about memories from childhood, and held her hand, stroked her hair.

It was a few days wait for us. Looking back, I'm so pleased I was there.

Hardest thing. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP.
If it's any help, one of the most useful things I've ever read on MN was some threads on waiting for loved ones to die - have a search for them but there was fabulous advice from eg hospice nurses about things you can say to your mum and what to do when she passes.
Basically it was really reassuring and said don't feel you have to immediately call for a nurse - just take the time with her to say goodbye, be with your sisters and then call when you're ready.
They had info about what happens next etc so have a search on here cos it was really good info xxxx

It's a hard watch. You are doing a wonderful thing being there for your Mum. If you feel like running away, take a break, I'm sure the staff will give you an idea of how long it might be so you can freshen up etc.
I feel for you. The last hours can be difficult but hopefully the medical team will ease the physical difficulties 💐

Please be aware that often someone will "let go" of life only once they are alone. So often we hear of people wracked with guilt because they nipped to the loo or to get a coffee, were only gone a few minutes and missed their loved ones final moment. If that happens please don't feel guilty.

Sending hugs at this awful time

You need to look after yourself. You are allowed to go for a shower and food, don’t feel guilty about it.

Sending love and strength your way. I believe that your hearing is the last sense to leave so say all that you want to say.

My grandma died in the same way and it took days. It’s okay to take time away. Go for a walk or go home and freshen up. Be kind to yourself as it’s okay to come away x

I was going to add what Marshatessa just mentioned; remember that your mum can very likely hear you still, so you can comfort her and let her know you're with her.

Countrygirl99 is also right about many people slipping away quietly in unattended moments.

And when she's gone, do take your time and only summon a nurse when you're all ready.

Sending courage.

Thanks all. They have given us a private room and a fold out bed. I’ve escaped to a Tesco cafe and it’s helped just walking in the (chilly!) sunshine. Palliative care are coming. We’ve not had great experiences with the nursing staff - a few have been awesome but the rest have made a hard situation worse. But we are trying not to dwell on that! Thanks for all your kind thoughts and wishes xx

That's so sad for you. It can be physically and mentally exhausting so make sure you take those essential breaks and be kind to yourself. 💐

Same here. It was the hardest thing I’ve done, but I am so glad I was there with her when she was dying and holding her hand when she died. I just sat with her, talked to her, brushed her hair, made her comfortable in the bed. Just sitting there quietly a lot of the time, occasionally people came in to check her (she was in a care home, not hospital). Her last night, I came home to sleep and see my dds who were little then, and said to my Mum that I would be back in the morning. I half expected to get a call in the small hours to go back in but she died an hour after I arrived the following morning, I think she was waiting for me but it’s also common for people to die when they are alone or when all family members leave the room. I told my Mum she could go when she needed to, that it was fine, she could go and be with my Dad.
I am so sorry OP.

I'm pleased you have a fold out bed so that you can be comfortable at least.

Sure fresh air and sunshine feel good but remember how odd it feels to see people just carrying on with their normal lives.

It's OK to take an afternoon off. I know you've gone out for a break but if you need to go for longer that's fine. Others have talked about this, often people want to die alone and wait for an opportunity.

You may find it helpful to tell your mum that she can let go now and you will be fine.

I'm sorry you are going through is.

It's entirely normal to want to run away!
Don't worry - just do what you reasonably can to help your DM stay comfortable while she is still around. Which means you have to look after yourself too. It's not something we get to practice much, obviously, so give yourself and others a bit of slack.

I’m really sorry. I’ve been there twice myself, my dad was quite sudden and my mum after a long term illness. I’m not sure if it’s useful, but my mum held on 11 days after her last food. She went without water for three days before dying.

I spoke to her but also sat in silence at times, there’s no right or wrong.

I remember how agonising it was at the time, but I’m very glad I was able to be there. Death can be scary, but it was also incredibly peaceful and it was an honour to hold both their hands at the end.

Thanks for all your messages. She died this morning. So thankfully fairly quick. It’s a lovely sunny day and I’m sitting with a cat on my lap thinking of her.

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry

It's shit, nothing is going to make it any better. Be kind to yourself and take it minute by minute, second by second if needed x

I'm very sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss

So sorry for your loss OP. Been exactly there with my mum, complete with the Tesco cafe and the cat on my lap later on.

I'm so sorry OP.
I'm in the same situation with my Mum. It's horrible.

You just wish it was over don't you?

Massive virtual hugs x

I was there with my dad in November. I wanted to run away but please talk to her. It’s crap

So very sorry, I’ve just gone through this with my Mom. Look after yourself