Father won’t accept they need help

[NetZeroZealot]

Dad is a frail 89. Mum is 85 much stronger but bad memory loss, getting worse. She looks after him, he can’t really be left alone for long.
They have a lovely cleaner but I have been trying to persuade them to get extra help at home.
Dad gets very angry at the suggestion.
Yesterday Mum had a fall in the garden & couldn’t get up.
Luckily cleaner was there and saw out the window.
Mum taken by ambulance to A&E. Luckily she was Ok. DH stayed with Dad.
Could have been so much worse.
she now accepts they need help. But because the outcome was ok Dad still gets very angry at the suggestion of help.
Money is not an issue.
im at my wits end.
The need for help is becoming increasingly frequent and I live an hour away & have a busy job & life.
I don’t know what to do.

@NetZeroZealot If nothing is working, you just need to step back and go back to 'just' visiting daughter mode and not helping out. Only help when asked, if your father has capacity, there is little you can do except prepare to pick up the pieces (if you want) when it all goes tits up. I say this as someone who lives-in with aged parent who has no capacity due to dementia. I do literally everything, but parent is still convinced they are more than capable despite not being able to use a computer, phone, Internet, money, drive, cook, washing machine etc! I find meditation helpful.

Please explain more about the safeguarding referral? How does that work?

We had this with inlaws. FIL becoming forgetful he was tested and after a couple of years diagnosed with mixed dementia, MIL crying for help. Constantly loosing things especially creditcards and getting scammed. It came to a head when MIL's behaviour began to become strange.

They live an hour away from family. We gave them a ultimatium of moving to assisted living nearby. They moved and it all fell apart in a few months. And MIL is now in a care home as she was put into respite as a break from FIL. Whilst there she tried to kill someone and was placed under emergency DOLS. She'd been under memory clinic and had had scans and we were waiting for the result. Mental health team were called and she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. She never went back home and has been in a home for nearly a year now. FIL copes okay in assisted living in his home with us doing his washing and shopping, they give him his meds regularly and he has a homecare visit once a week.

I would start with getting mum to the doctors and the memory clinic. Its only going to get worse and she will not be able to care for dad when that happens.

Do they have attendance allowance? We use this to pay for the homecare. Then the issue of money is taken out of the equation.

Also as soon as we had the dementia diagnosis, we discouraged the use of the car. When they moved we removed the car from them. FIL would have no idea of the new address and would inevitably go back to his old address. They live next door to a hospital and doctors so can walk mostly everywhere when needed.

Thank you - this is helpful. Mum agrees she needs a memory assessment, but keeps forgetting to book a visit to the GP!
But we had assumed there isn't much you can do about it so it's good to know there are drugs you can take and reassuring for her.

At the point of memory loss, you basically have to do it for them - because as you have discovered, otherwise they keep forgetting. Or don't even realise there is a problem.

Getting a diagnosis is helpful, even if it turns out there is no treatment, in terms of getting other people to take you seriously. There is a big difference between 'mum has dementia, she doesn't realise she needs help' and 'mum has a bit of short term memory loss but says she's fine' in terms of getting professionals on board.

You can take your mum to the doctors for the appointment, write a note with concerns and pass to the doctor discreetly. We had POA so were able to discuss firsthand with reception why we were going so they knew it was to do with memory and possible dementia.

Can I message you?

Yes of course. Do I have to do anything in settings to allow that? Thanks

Bear in mind that if your mum would be accepting of help, she could potentially be helped to have it, separately from your df. 8 know that's not really how it works, but in theory at least you could get someone in to help your mum whether your df agrees or not. I think it's helpful at least to consider their needs independently, even if in reality they operate as a unit.

After two serious chest infections, my 95 year old DM has started to suffer from short term memory loss and confusion and has become very frail physically. She had a couple of falls (which she does not remember) and each time she had forgotten to wear her alarm bracelet. She is adamant that she is fine and got very upset when I tried, very gently, to discuss her memory problems with her.

So I wrote to her GP who has known her for over 30 years, setting out my concerns and saying that DM did not know I was writing. The GP responded by calling DM in for "a check up" (which I attended). She gave DM a memory test, and arranged for blood tests and a brain scan. We are going back in a few weeks to discuss the results and what should happen next. DM was much more willing to accept she has problems when talking to the GP - although she is still under the impression that she is doing much more for herself than she actually is.

In the meantime I have arranged for a carer to come in every day, cook her a meal and check she is ok. DM has accepted this as a temporary measure on the grounds that she has been unwell.

I feel for you. I live 4 hours away and I am finding this all very difficult, especially as it has happened so suddenly to DM who has always been so mentally capable and physically fit.

Trying to figure out how to do it