Getting shamed for elderly care

[Itsmitneymitch]

Im sure this is sonething that many of us go through. I have a 76 year old mother that lives alone.

I live in a different country to her. I visited her there at Christmas. While I was with her I did a lot of practical things for her. I set up her panic button for her. I set up her bins for 2025 for her online. I helped her to set up mobile banking on her phone. I helped her set up online bill payments for different companies. I also helped her with something online to do with her pension. I did a lot for her.

I have one aunty (my mums sister) who drives me round the bend. She constantly shames me that I don't do enough for my mother.

Last year my mum had a fall and went into respite care. My aunt sent me a really nasty message saying "what are you thinking being in another country when your mother needs you at home. You should be ashamed of yourself".

I send my aunt a message pointing out that I work fulltime and it's not possible just to leave work. My mum was being looked after fulltime in a rehab part of a nursing home

My aunt never asks me about my own life. She only ever talks to me about my mum. I feel like she views me as a servant to my mum and never considers that I have my own life.

I was out on new years eve and my aunt texted me "happy new year have a good 2025.make sure you keep an eye on your mum next year".

The text annoyed me as I always feel like she's getting digs in at me , that I'm not doing enough .

I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to my country
It just annoyed me. It annoys me that she only sees to see me in relation to how much care i give my mum. She doesn't think that I have a job and that I live in a different country!

My aunt really guilt trips me and makes me feel bad. I've blocked her number now. But she has still made me feel bad again.

Anyone else get this treatment off relatives?

I am sure a lot of women do. We tend to be the default care-givers for everyone. Husbands, children, parents. It’s patriarchal and women enforce it as much as men do by shaming and expecting and whinging. The older the generation, the more likely they are to have been conditioned to do it themselves and then expect it from their female descendants.

You are doing as much as you can. You were not born to be your mother’s keeper. Your aunt no doubt faced the same pressures she is now passing on to you. It’s ok to block her, but try not to take it personally.

I did get this a bit from people. I lived two hours away from my dad and some didn't get that I was unable to just appear when something went wrong, plus I worked full time and had DC in school.

Does your aunt do care for your mum? If so then the source of her resentment is clear.

You need a prepared phrase 'I'll always do my best to make sure mum is properly cared for' but there will obviously be limitations. I would say start planning for the future when your mum can't live independently - not because you have to do the care, but to know what the options are and help her make decisions.

I've actually had a chat with my mum about the future. My mum has said that she doesn't expect me to care for her, as I'm working full time.

We agreed that when the time comes that she needs care, she will go into a nursing home.

I'm not sure what us going on with my aunt. She seems to be unhappy in her own life and is taking it out on me. Her attitude is "how dare you swan off and live abroad" kind of thing. She's not nice to me.

She definitely seems to see a woman's role as "staying at home and taking care of your parents".

I'm probably saying the obvious. But of course my brother lives 30 minutes away from my mum. My aunt never says anything to him and doesn't expect him to do anything for my mum

Your aunt sounds incredibly rude and patronising. Why tolerate it? I would go so far as to tell her that and to stop contacting you with her nasty jibes. Or else just completely block her so all her nastiness and rudeness goes into the void, thus COMPLETELY ignoring her messages ie. radio silence. Silence speaks volumes. That will drive her mad but her fault. There is no reason on earth why you should have to tolerate her nastiness and unpleasantness.

She definitely seems to see a woman's role as "staying at home and taking care of your parents".

Who took care of your grandparents? Her view is super common in many cultures and families. Not defending it, it’s a dinosaur view. At least your mum is breaking the cycle by not expecting you to be her live in carer.

I'd just sent a reply 'HNY to you too. I'm fine thanks but as you know really busy working. Yes, I agree we all need to keep an eye on DM as she ages. If everyone does their bit, I'm sure we'll manage'

I would just stop answering and mute her messages. Don’t put any stock in what she’s saying, she’s wrong and it’s already sorted between you and your mum.

I’m also wondering if in some families - or even simply some individuals - daughters are “nothing” both generally and in relation to their supposed “duty” to their elders. It’s not even necessarily always cultural. Two elderly sisters can have completely different views on this subject (this is the situation in my family too, one always-angry or accusatory sister). Your aunt may just be a miserable, angry so-and-so. You don’t have to tolerate her rudeness and unpleasantness.

Just direct her to your brother every time.

I have an aunt who was full of what I should have been doing for my mother, her sister. However, she wasn’t too keen on rolling her own sleeves up.

She was an absent daughter, who left the care of her parents to my mother.

She was quite extraordinarily unpleasant and unkind to me after my mother’s death.

I have not seen her for many years. It’s her, not me.

It’s her, not you 💐💕

I wonder if your aunt is afraid she is going to end up looking after your mum and is unaware of the plan to go into a care home. It may help if you or your mum explains the plan to her.

I wonder is your aunt worried that her own children won't look after her when the time comes if you are setting a 'bad' example!

What about your brother? What is he doing, saying, is he visiting your mum?

Keep her number blocked. She's a cunt.

I've had this with family members in the past. Bitter and miserable and they want everyone else to be to.
And on NYE she may well have been drinking when she sent that. I had a relative send similar when drunk.
You know who you are. You know that you do what you can for your mum whilst also living your own life and meeting your own needs.
Some women have been made to feel that their role in life is to prioritise everyone else's wellbeing over their own. When they reach later life and are completely burnt out, some of them, instead of thinking 'wow i wouldn't want anyone else to go through this!' get really angry and bitter if they see any younger woman actually having lives or putting themselves first at any point.
You do not want to end up like your aunt. Keep on doing what you are doing and managing a good balance of checking in with your mother and self care.

Does your aunt live in the same country as your mum? Is she helping your mum in the absence of your brother's help and you living in another country?

Assuming it's also cultural?

Ask your aunt what she expects of your brother?

Block her.

Is it at all possible that you could live in the same country as your mum? We can do all this ‘auntie’s a cow, this is a feminist issue’ stuff, but the truth is, this is only heading in one direction for your mum.

I’m an only child who nursed my dad and then a year after he passed my mum got diagnosed with dementia. Her sisters didn’t come near for years or when my dad passed but as soon as she was vulnerable they decided they wanted to see her. Against my better judgement I let them but what a mistake. They criticised everything & o was on my knees yet offered no help. Finally got my mum into an amazing care home & they started to call & visit demanding access & being rude to staff as well as posting on social media that I had abused/abandoned my mum. I was there 24/7 until I almost had a breakdown. Not once did they ask how I was. Thankfully I had POA & before diagnosis my mum did not want to know them. I instructed a lawyer & they now have received a letter warning them to back off or court will be involved. Hang in there, people are vile and will judge no matter what you do. Sending love and strength x

Block her. Game over.

Her brother lives 30 minutes away. I would be furious if my DD moved her life to care for me. Absolutely furious. I’d probably be scared and a bit lonely but I don’t want my DD doing that. I’ve watched women spend years caring whilst the men around them carry on merrily. I don’t want that for my DD.

If she was worried about this one would think she would be on DB case surely. He's only 30 mins away

Oh yes.
I've got one of these aunts!
She shut up pretty quickly when I suggested she move in with mum and become her carer.
I'm very LC. Can't block her number as it would mean I'd have to tell mum all the horrible things she's been saying.
I don't let it bother me.
My aunt is, basically, a very unhappy person, which is sad - but I'm not her punching bag.

I get the same treatment from my mum’s ex-neighbour (mum has been in residential care since the beginning of Dec). I have decided to ignore. Set your boundaries OP and stick to them.

Your aunt is presumably a similar ago to your mum? So she’s potentially losing the ability to empathise, and is possibly projecting feelings of being neglected by her own DC, or hanging onto some 1950s idea of the housewife gamely caring for elderly relatives?

Whichever, it matters not. You’re doing what you can, care agencies and cleaners exist whether anyone likes it or not.

FWIW these people are never happy. We live next door to PIL and despite being in and out constantly it’s not good enough for one of DH’s aunts because it’s not a showhome, and they have (spit) carers going in as well.