DNR

[username8348]

My mum had her annual Dementia review with the GP recently and the Dr asked me if she would want CPR.

I said that she'd never discussed it or expressed a preference so yes resuscitate her if necessary.

The Dr said to discuss it with my siblings. I don't understand why. Can anyone enlighten me on why we need to discuss it please.

She doesn't have any medical conditions apart from the dementia.

My MIL, (89 years,old, mid to late stage dementia) had a PoA and a RESPECT form which both set out that she did not wish to be admitted to hospital, to receive any treatment that would prolong her life or to be resuscitated. She then developed pneumonia.

The care home refused to offer any end of life care and insisted that she must go to hospital, although paramedics thought she would die on the journey. Once at hospital, the attorney present was ignored, she was resuscitated and she then lived a further ten days.

That was five years ago and I don't think I or her DC will ever get over it. Just be aware that even though you set up all the right things and try to protect your elderly person, it may all be ignored when it comes to the crunch.

I'm so sorry that your mother's wishes were not respected. This is certainly not what usually happens,

@JudyJulie that's terrible. It was my main thought to do with the assisted dying debate tbh - first of all, let natural death occur without attempting to fight it in those who want that. Other stuff can follow once we have that.

My Dad hasn't been resuscitated but has has a couple of episodes where he's ended up in hospital and had quite heavy duty interventions to prolong his life.

One of the first times he fell and then got covid in hospital. I was desperate for him to be kept alive. He had a lengthy stay in hospital and lost a lot physically and mentally and needed carers four times a day afterwards.

Faat forward a year to 2022. The last time he was admitted I tried to raise the issue of his quality of life and my mum shouted over me that he had a great quality of life.

He was struggling with mobility and communication before the last hospital admission but has now spent the last 2.5 years being doubly incontinent, can't move, can't see, we don't know how much he understands any more although sometimes will start crying. It's horrible to watch and contributed to other relationships within the family becoming strained or breaking down.

I think the key thing is that any intervention is unlikely to get your mum back to the state she's in now.

Also it's definitely worth speaking to your family and trying to come to a consensus and being open. My dad used to always tell us he didn't want to be kept alive in a home but somehow has ended up signing an incoherent end of life document that infers he does want to be kept alive but isn't clear. When the time comes it is helpful to have clarity.

My experience is similar to the PP. Dad had a number of infections in the 18 months before he died. The pretty standard pneumonia and UTIs of old age. Each one left him more frail until he could barely stand or see. He wasn't incontinent but it took him so long to get to the loo in his tiny bungalow that he frequently wet himself. He couldn't be left because he often fell trying to get out of his chair despite it being one of those ones that raised up to assist.

I think much more needs to be made of the terminology change. It's now DNAR - Do not attempt resuscitation. Because the reality is that when people perform CPR they are only attempting to resuscitate a patient. It is brutal. Everyone has been saying it, but it's true. Everyone on a resuscitation team puts their all into regaining spontaneous circulation. But that's all that CPR can do. If there is a terminal process that lead to the arrest, all that will happen is the patient will arrest all over again.

I'm glad that CPR is a medical decision. I wish that people understood that better before they were faced with a highly emotional situation where they feel responsible for the survival of their relative.

I wasn't even aware that the terminology had changed and the amount of Oldies we are looking after is getting a bit out of hand at the moment...

Hopefully it will never come to it, OP.

What happened with my father was that he was strong and active into old age, and then physically declined very fast over a few months. One day he just didn't wake up. His wife was naturally beside herself, called an ambulance, and they did attempt CPR. It didn't do him any harm because he was beyond help, but she was pretty traumatised by the sights and sounds. She moved home soon after and I think partly it was to escape those memories.

So there's that to take into account too.