I'm exhausted by my Dad

[TeeNoG]

My Dad will be 80 soon, and is a widower of 7 years. For the past 7 years I have been his main contact and sounding board.

The problem with this arrangement is my Dad's almost permanent anger. He's angry about the news, the world, and spends 80% of his time watching the news or people on YouTube. This culminates in massive rants whenever I make my daily phone call. Today he veered from the Jag ad to train drivers to iHT to GP's, wall in about 5 minutes. This is exhausting in itself but then it moves onto me. I don't know about anything in the world (I do), I'm an ignorant lefty (I'm not), i dont stand for anything (I do).

I'm quite politically aware, but my views are my own and i don't want to debate them daily over the phone with an angry man. i don't want to be insulted. I don't want to live my life thinking everything is awful.

Today I've hung up on him after the biggest attack in a while. I just don't need it. I don't know what I'm asking for here or what should happen next but it has to change. Anyone in or been in a similar boat?

Not the same but the last few visits to my mum I've been called a liar. I took her to a hospital appointment to have a 7 day heart monitor fitted when I went to collect it to take back the appointment hadn't happened, she'd never seen a cardiologist or had a heart monitor and got really angry. This week it was the last 2 Christmas's since dad died. She said they were dreadful because she'd been all alone snd none had even visited. Except I'd done a 2 hour round trip to pick her up and she'd spent Christmas with us. The first year she stayed over but she couldn't cope with our stairs so the 2nd year it was 2 2 hour round trips on Christmas Day. That one was particularly difficult because it was only a couple of weeks after MILs funeral and she kept asking DH how his mum was. All could think was " yes it was dreadful but not for the reason you gave". When I pointed out she'd come to us I got told I was wrong.

Could you cut down on the phone calls? Daily is a LOT! I speak to mine once a week and use the grey rock technique which helps a lot.

Send him a card with your second from last paragraph written verbatim in it. ('I don't want to be insulted', etc).

Tell him also that you expect phone conversations from now on to be civil, cordial, and involve pleasant topics, and if he starts on his usual harangues and rants you will hang up on him and keep doing so until he remembers his manners.

Life is too short for that kind of depressing boorishness.

@countrygirl99
You need to get her assessed for alzheimers.

Took me years to realise that I could just tell my mum to stop complaining and that I didn't need to hear it. She still tries, but I don't humour her any more.

At her worst, I get calls 8 times a day. I have no told her I'm not picking up the phone during working hours, but she still leaves messages and texts. I've had 5 calls and 2 texts so far today. I've taken 2 of them.

Difference is that it doesn't bother me any more.

OP, just tell your dad you call for a light chat, and you're not prepared to listen to his rants anymore. What's the worst thing that can happen?

She was diagnosed 4 years ago but it's pretty common in alzheimer's to forget you've been diagnosed and to forget all the issues you have so you think you are fine and everyone else is wrong.

Oh I am right there with you. It's only been two and a bit years for us but the amount of insulation that my late mum provided has become very evident. I spent the first 18 months on a minimum of three points of contact per day at least one of them being a phone call or video call. Over the last year I've managed to bring it down to text or FB Messenger and only speaking to him about once a week and during those calls I basically just say "uh huh ", "mmm hmm" and "is that so", on repeat for an hour.
What has allowed me to do this is therapy and coming to the realization that I am neither his mother nor his wife and also that I get to hold boundaries that I set regarding what I consider to be acceptable ways of speaking to me and about me.
It's so hard. Sending you all the solidarity I can.

Thank you all. I have tried the grey rock technique (if that's what it's called) and honestly it makes him worse, it just winds him up.

I think the answer is to be firm - I have started and suspect he is deliberately pushing back at this. I would also like to call him less often, but truth be told I feel a lot of guilt for this. I don't want him to be lonely and unhappy but also know I can't solve that for him, and it's not my job to. Eurgh it's just so bloody hard.

Thank you for all of your comments, I definitely feel less alone now.

Do you think he'd do it to other people or are you the main audience?

Mine cultivates an image of being fun and witty etc and saves all the negativity especially for me.

@TeeNoG hello - there’s so much excellent advice based on real life experiences on here. You will get the naysayers who expect if you don’t drop everything that’s means you don’t care - ignore them.

Have a read …the toolbox and glossary are really good…https://outofthefog.website

@TeeNoG FYI i don’t always follow the advice when emotionally I am overwhelmed but it helps

I had the same with a relative. I finally decided about a year ago to tell him exactly how his rants made me feel. There was a long silence (it was during a phone call), then the conversation resumed along ordinary and pleasant lines. He hasn't ranted at me since. The world didn't end (I thought by telling him how I felt, I would kick off World War 3. I didn't). I've thought a lot about this since, and concluded that bullies need to be told. He had been bullying me into listening to his stream of consciousness. And now life is much more normal.
I commend this approach! If your father is different from my relative, and WW3 ensues, just block him.

Yes my Dad loves to rant and rave when I see him. I'm also his sounding board and I hate it.

He doesn't insult me but fuck it's tedious. He's really not interested in anything I have to say and will give me a 2 minute window (max) to talk about what's going on in my life. But apparently it's ok for him to monologue at me for an hour.

I'm low contact as a result.

@BlueLegume thank you, I will take a look.

@EmotionalBlackmail - I'm positive he saves it all for me. One of my siblings doesn't speak to him and the other phones weekly. He doesn't have anyone else really. And yes, mine too cultivates this other image - I can tell instantly if there's a neighbour or something visiting when he answers the phone because he has an entirely different voice!

I will tell him how it makes me feel. I have no problem doing that really, and I did tell him about a week ago I didn't want to discuss politics with him at all.

I just want to do it without getting emotional.

Oh I feel this

My dad is 84 currently in hospital, nothing serious, doesn't normally speak on the phone, just hands it straight to mum. Now he's in hospital I'm getting calls every other day. I'd got my mum down to 3 calls a week. I'm currently on 4-6 calls a day, the latest one a message to tell me that dad's fed up in hospital oh and his phone's stopped working.

I live 2 hours away, I don't know what she expects me to do. I am treated as tech support, no thought given to me or my family, currently very tired due to a busy time at work but am expected to be immediately available to keep her company / solve her problems. I am so over it and don't pick up the calls now. I'd like to say it's a new thing, but it's not.

I have no answer I'm afraid, just know you are not alone

@TeeNoG and @Dreamlight also know you are not alone. Keep us updated if you feel it helps. Good to keep in the bank is a brilliant quote from a brilliant carer of our Dad. ….quote ‘ you cannot medicate a personality’. He meant our mother who is frankly impossible and unreasonable.

The home really like my father - not so keen on our mother. She is and always has been a tricky character. My sis and I know this. Baby bro, very much a mummy’s boy thinks she is ill. Hugs to all of us going through this.

Well. Hopefully your children will be more understanding when you get to this stage. Have a bit of compassion, rather than just NC

Oh OP I hear you and feel for you. My dad was like this after my mum died.

I tried to push back and he would quit for a while but it just escalated again.

What helped me was to allow a certain time limit for calls and then 'oh, must go, I've got eggs on the stove top/the dog wants a wee/the doorbell's gone'.
The biggest success was to just agree with him and then quickly change the subject as in "Oh yes I know, fish is ridiculously expensive and children do just sit on computers all day - isn't it awful...........ah, did I tell you that the log man has measles/the dog was sick in Terry's football boots/I've got a spot on my bum......ohh, must dash, I've left the iron on".

Catch him at his own game i.e. wittering on about bollocks, then cut it short.

My old dad's dead now and I do miss him, but life is more peaceful and if I'm honest, if he was still alive now I'd be putting your OP up. Good luck...make time for you....you can't make him happy but you can make you happy.

@SweetSixty that sounds like a good technique to try......... and I'm very tempted to break a rant by announcing I have a spot on my bum.....

@enpeatea I've shown a huge amount of compassion, I need to also look after myself.

My OH now pushing 74. Can be a ranter. Luckily he knows lots of other old codgers he can enjoy a rant with most mornings over coffee. It's white noise to me.

But my eldest son said to me recently

"Dads such an angry little man"

Which is sad because he wasn't once upon a time.

Just phone less and hang up when he starts on you. Saying I can hear you're in a bad mood, I'll call back another time

This^. Quite shocked at this thread tbh. These elderly parents brought their children up into the world. There doesn't seem to be much patience or compassion.

You can always tell when an elderly parents thread has made it to the active threads list as someone helpfully pops in to tell us how awful we all are.

@TeeNoG

You really think it's okay to abuse your child a fully grown woman? Words fail me