Elderly Parents, Terminal Illness & Long Distance Care

[lookingfortheadult]

Hoping to hear others in a similar situation for advice!

My parents are early 70s but with some
major health issues. My dad has early onset Alzheimer's and my mum has cancer which is terminal. Mum is doing okay for now and primary carer for dad but when she is ill, everything goes downhill.

Our parents live 2.5 hours from both my sister and I, we both work full time and between us we have 5 kids under 6.

My question is if you've been in a similar situation, have you found a way to survive this? Even if they wanted to move, it's not possible due to house prices and mum has been adamant that she doesn't want to be in any kind of care or have carers when she's ill. I've asked her what she sees as a solution but she gets upset and says "I don't know" on repeat. My instinct is that she subconsciously wants it to be me or my sister as full time carers but I can't see how we can do this without entirely upending our lives. Last time she had major surgery she and dad moved in with my family for six weeks but it was very difficult and not a long term solution.

I have no idea how we will survive when she deteriorates (and it is a when). Has anyone found a way of doing this? I hear so many stories of people who are present with their parents when ill/dying and I don't see how we can do that.

Hoping there is a solution I haven't thought of!

Who currently looks after dad when mum is unwell, is mum really able to look after dad, has she had a carers assessment. Is there any extra living accommodation near you they would consider moving to.

It sounds like your mums in denial about the issues, but you're right to be trying to get some things in place now to take some pressure off and avert the inevitable crises ahead. Very tough situation, but I think you're right to be getting blunt and doing it now.

Mum has had two incidences of being very unwell. The first my sister and I basically moved in with them over a four week period, driving back and forth but we've had two more kids since then (between us). The second time, we moved my parents into my house for 7 weeks which was extremely hard work. We've also survived by stocking their freezer with simple meals and then a couple of friends dropping in if really needed. Dad is okay at the moment so it's doable but obviously it's going to deteriorate.

I really appreciate all the advice and support. It's really really helpful.

Also, just because your dad used to know your village now, doesn’t mean he still would.

My dad used to be able to walk and get the newspaper even after the onset of dementia. But after covid lockdown, he had lost that “path” in his brain and couldn’t do it any more, sadly.

Does mum have a macmillan nurse who could offer advice, if she becomes unwell is she treated at home or hospital. The safest thing would be for dad to have short term respite but it's never too early to have assessments. Long term they will both need care.

@CurlyhairedAssassin yep- and especially hard I think for people who have always been very proud/ independent and not the kind to have people constantly popping in .