DM, 70, is in a flat only accessible by climbing 40 steps, and doesn't have the money to move anywhere she deems acceptable

[ForCalmGreenCat]

The long and the short of the situation is

• DM is 70, and still in good health but can't / won't walk as far as she once did.

• She lives in a small flat, in the top floor of a converted house, owned outright. There are 40 steps to climb to access her front door, and a stairlift isn't an option due to the shared access. Her neighbours are young professionals, and unlikely to be on board.

• DM doesn't have much money, and never has. She was in low paid, often insecure work until she retired during lockdown.

• DM likes the idea of moving, but will only consider purchasing a two bed house or bungalow, in a nice area of the same city. Unfortunately this city's house prices have gone crazy, and she simply doesn't have the money for what she considers the 'minimum'. If she moved to my city, she could have a nice bungalow that ticks all the boxes within budget, but she doesn't want to move cities.

• DM is also a procrastinator extraordinaire, with hoarding tendencies. She has been talking about moving since around 2004. We are not particularly close, so there's a limit to how much I can push things, but I'm also an only child, so there's no one else. I have an LPA, but she has full mental capacity.

At the moment, the way I think this is going to pan out in the coming years is that she stays there until a crisis is reached - perhaps her falling down the steps and breaking something - and ends up in hospital too immobile to return home but too well for a care home. Alternatively she'll just become a hermit as the stairs become increasingly difficult.

Does anyone know how this sort of scenario pans out? Will the council refuse sheltered housing on the grounds that she's a homeowner? (NB she regards sheltered housing as a threat, not an positive option). Even if she could finally be persuaded to sell up and move somewhere on the ground floor, what happens during the months of conveyancing?

Everything I've read and heard over the years seems to assume a starting point of adaptations being possible, the older person being willing to move, or the person being so decrepit that they need to go into a nursing home anyway.

If she's fine at the minute who knows what options there will be in 5 or 10 or 15 years time. Can you make moving near you extremely attractive? Saying how much time you could have together, show her the great properties she could afford, tell her all she will have to do is get in a car you will sort out most of the routine selling, buying and moving for her, perhaps you could win her round.

My MIL was the same didn't like living alone, but didn't want to move and then got older and couldn't face the disruption of moving, in the end she couldn't walk very far, the stairs were a real problem and she was pretty much housebound. She died in her own house at 89. I wish we had tried harder to get her to move close to us, we did try but it would end in a stalemate every time, she was living four hours away too which made helping her really difficult.

I get what you're saying but realistically you can't make plans before DM declines and makes the decision herself
She owns her home and lives independently.
There are options when she feels the time is right.
Buy a shared ownership retirement property with the capital and pay rent on the rest
Some areas have retirement villages which you can buy or rent with a care home on site should she require it.
A " garden room" on your property or an annex in a property you buy together( depending on family circumstances of course)
In my area, anyone can join the waiting list for a sheltered bungalow( it's based on needs not capital)
Private carer to help with tasks in the home
I have looked into this for myself and my solution was a disabled facility grant
You could contact age uk, but realistically if DM is fit and well, her mobility may not decline to the extent you're thinking.

Your original post sets out the potential scenario's well. She moves now or she becomes housebound when the stairs get too difficult or there is a crisis whereby she ends up in hospital and can't return home if access is too difficult. She may then be put in a short term care placement. She would be financially assessed by social services regarding a contribution to this care until a housing plan can be sorted out. If she ends up being there long term then her flat will need to be sold.

It's unlikely she'll qualify for any kind of council housing as a home owner.

You are sensible thinking about this now but if she isn't on board with the idea then there's nothing you can do. Would she at least look at the provision in your area?

When she starts needing it more could she rent her flat out then rent sheltered housing flat maybe?

My mum refused to have a bed downstairs and lived on her own in her own house until she was 93 She never went into residential care and felt sorry for those who did

Your mum was very lucky @Todaywasbetter. Some old people never suffer cognitive decline and also manage to avoid falls! My mother took two falls in her house, neither caused lasting damage (she fell on the stairs once so that was miraculous) and three in her sheltered accommodation (designed to minimise the chances). The last was only a trip but catastrophic for her. There is nowhere that an old person can be 100% guaranteed not to come a cropper.

Stairs will keep her fitter and younger.

70 doesn't seem old at all. The keenest salsa dancer I know is around 70.

It's also her choice if she's mentally competent, even if she wants to be a hermit in an eyrie one day.

70 is a long way off elderly nowadays. The stairs will keep her fit. I’d not be worrying about it at this stage.

It's encouraged to keep stairs as long as possible for fitness. My dh is 70 and he would go crazy if he thought his dc were planning his retirement home. Saying that we are planning some house changes to future proof.
The oldest person in my gym is 91 so as your dm begins to struggle she may be more open to change. Give her time.

Oh and I found with mine that all attempts to make sensible suggestions about what could be done (spare keys with friends and/or keysafe, hospital bag packed, POA set up, money for taxi somewhere safe and account set up type things) were ignored

UNTIL one of her friends had a fall, got stuck and had paramedics having to break down the door. THEN these things were suddenly actioned but as her ideas!

So there's a limit to what you can do until something happens to make them take action.

It is extremely frustrating.