Watching my lovely mum slowly rotting away is destroying me.

[ArnieandBob]

My poor mum, my best friend is wasting away mentally and physically.

She is 81 but sadly looks so much older. She is bent over with osteoporosis and often in pain, she has glaucoma and cataracts, 6 years in to a Alzheimer's journey (horrible evil disease) and this year was diagnosed with breast cancer which is being treated with medication alone as we agreed with the consultant any other interventions are too much for a dementia patient. She is on lots of medication.

It is so so hard to see her (and my dad) struggling so very much. She is such a great mum, she was always so kind and caring and she was my go-to whenever I needed someone to talk to, we have always been close and always very much alike. Now I can only describe her as my third child, she is very much like a toddler now. The only good thing is she still knows who I am and most days is quite cherry when I am with her.

I go to mum and dad's about 4-5 times a week to help. Yesterday, I took her for her ct scan follow up to check on the bc progress. It was heartbreaking seeing this tiny fail little old lady, my mum, looking so bewildered and frightened whilst the (wonderful and lovely) nurses put her cannula in and all of us trying to explain everything to her knowing full well 5 minutes later she will have forgotten everything and was probably scared although she did so well and never moaned or groaned about anything they had to do to her. I was very proud of her.

But, the stress of it all is taking it's toll on me, I came home and had a terrible tummy later (I have stress induced IBS which has been awful the last 6 years), and felt exhausted. I am 51 and in perimenopuase and have a young adult children still at home and a job looking after a disabled person, my life is all about looking out for other people.

My dh doesn't understand and when I am weeping for my mum he says that it's life and nothing I can do about it. I know that's true but I am a highly sensitive person and an overthinker, he is pragmatic and stoic and when his poor mum passed away 4 years ago from cancer he just got on with things and says thinking about it is a waste of time. We are all different I know but I wish he could see that this is my mum and I had a great friendship with her all my life, I am very slowly and painfully losing not just a parent but a good friend as well.

How do you progress through such a difficult times in your life without it driving you crazy? I have tried some counselling but it wasn't helpful.

Thank you for understanding, this is exactly how I feel with the anticipatory grief and anger (for a whole host of reasons).
My mental and physical health have both taken a huge nosedive since this all started and has been getting worse as things progress. It is so difficult to keep your head above water at times.

AutumalCosiness Thank you so much.

I'm sorry for your loss, my friend has just lost his mum to pancreatic cancer, it's such a terrible disease.

Thank you, you sound like a wonderful carer, such thoughtfulness. I think I need to start looking into things to keep mum occupied. When she isn't at the day centre (she goes twice a week), she will just sit on the sofa and sleep. Dad does put music on YouTube for her which she loves.

I will look into getting her a doll and she how she is with it. I did get her one of those breathing dogs which she loved for a while but no longer pays it any attention. I will have a look at some sensory toys for her too.

Mum does have a carer in the mornings to help her shower and dress.

Oh my! I read your opening post and cried.

Isn't it just one of the worst bloody fucking things? Watching a parent fade away. The pain is indescribable and it breaks your heart

I'm sending you so much love ❤️

If you want to vent, please message me, I'd be very very happy to listen..... although let me know.... because messages don't show up on the MN android app 🙄

My mum is in the same boat and it's utterly awful. I have a son with SN and just feel like I'm helping everyone else .. when is my time? I've been parenting for 21 years and I'm tired of it all

I love my mum but she is a monster now and often really horrid to me because she is afraid and lonely .. won't accept more help but expects us to do it ..

I hate it all!!!

Hi, I'm just wondering what help you're getting?
It sounds like lots is falling on your shoulders.
Is your mum going to any centres or do you have carers come in during the day?

@Lwrenn thank you for asking .. she has carers but she wants us not helpers .. my sisters husband is disabled too so we have a lot to mange between us

All the services are based around money and she has too much

Social services are useless

She has been 'released ' from her day care because she is too tricky

Admiral have cancelled their Services with the nhs in our area

Honestly it's ridiculous.. the last two years have been horrendous and it's not going away any time soon

Bless you, thank you so much. It really is just awful watching a parent slowly fade away,
(Sorry my post made you cry ❤️)

I am so sorry you are going through this too. I really understand how tired you must be, it's totally draining, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Admiral cancelled their services in our area too and have handed all care over to the GP services. Isn't it just dreadful?

Utterly ridiculous... we had the admiral nurse come round . Talk to us , send a report saying we are all overwhelmed etc bla bla and then followed with an email saying they are cancelling services .. she wasted 2 hours of all our time .. utterly pointless ..

I'm so angry with all the services .. I could write a book on the failures of all of them .. most of the issue is she has money and services are all intertwined with money regardless of what they say when you call care point ! 🙄🙄🙄..

A hundred times I've said I don't want them to pay but I want help and guidance .

Falls on deaf ears ....

No one has answers and you just get pushed from pillar to post

I am very experienced and tenacious at getting support due to my son but this is another level.

It's a horrible horrible illness and I just want to have lovely parents and a nice life I can. Share with them. Sadly dad is dead and mum has been possessed by the dementia demon .. so so sad for all of us

I really feel for you. It's a constant battle and I just go round in circles trying to get help for mum. It really does drive me to distraction.
There wasn't a huge amount of help pre-covid times but since COVID hit virtually all of the services in our area have closed.

My mums going through this with my 87 (almost 88) yo nan. It's a tough job and it's taking a huge toll on my mum. We all pray that the time comes soon when she can go peacefully in her sleep so she can be out of her body which has become a prison but she's remarkable and so far she has pulled through every infection, every hospital stay - even when we have been told she won't come out of hospital! And I try to be thankful for the time we have with her as I know it's limited. She spent her entire life running around after her kids and grandkids ... it's our run to look after her now until her time comes to make her journey. Try and organise some help so you can take regular breaks. It's really important that you get regular time off to look after yourself.